How Shame-Bound Needs Deteriorate Our Relationships & Self-Esteem (And How To Break The Cycle)

[juan_castellanos]

I’ve often noticed resentment towards people when they express interpersonal needs, and I think the implicit belief for me is “I’m not allowed to have needs and express them to you, so it’s unfair for you to have needs and express them to me”

[YasminFilms]

Can I also just take the time to appreciate how this channel has no sponsorships and irritating ads for 'online therapy' brands who are incredibly sketchy. If you have a Patreon I'd definitely chip in each month because your channel has been invaluable to me and my journey with CPTSD.

[walkerhumphrey]

"Oh look, another Heidi video. Will it be imminently relevant to my life right now?"
15 seconds in: exactly what I was just thinking about

[juliet]

Sums up my parents relationship: "living miserably together forever..."

[Brinaweenahwoo]

Heidi, I'd love for you to do a video on what needs look like in a healthy vs unhealthy relationship. I think many of us with attachment issues think needs are typically very simple: sex, money, calling, texting frequency, honesty. I'm finding that as I move towards Secure attachment, my needs sounds more complex, like "I have a deep need for my partner to take responsibility for their emotions and actions and try to be open about my feedback because responses like defensiveness and reflect really push me away" or "I have a deep need for my partner to engage in recreational activities with me and work with me to find activities that work for both of us". I'd love a video on examples of the types of needs that healthy couples express to each other.

[Jam-mm]

Thank you. Heidi. I’m 70 years old. My wife got me a birthday present of fixing my teeth. Dental Implants. Full upper and lower implants. She paid for the surgery and procedure. She gave this gift as a surprise. She literally put a smile on my face ❤

[fluttabutta]

Is there anyone else who obsessively loves Heidi Priede videos, but after watching feels like it's much more peaceful to stay single?

[luisacervantes]

29:34 “believing that our needs, wants and desires and authenticity matters is often the kindest thing we can do for ourselves and other people in the long run “

[comoane]

I never think I am selfish, I think I am weak and childishly needy.

[bewitched]

I legit had a lightbulb moment hearing relationship are supposed to be about mutual meeting of needs. I mean I repressed even the thought that I could have needs lol

[peggysue]

During your explanation of how a person can develop contempt for their partner when they feel they need to not only regulate themselves but also regulate their partner's emotions, I realized that's what's going on with me and my partner. My partner is absolutely wonderful and amazing, but I've been using them to regulate myself when I nosedive into a self-hate spiral or am experiencing an emotional flashback. They've been trying to communicate to me that it's becoming too much for them and you put into words that what they are experiencing is a "crushing pressure." I'm not doing it intentionally, but that's exactly what's happening. I can become extremely overwhelmed by my emotions at the drop of a hat over something so trivial - a different definition of being "trigger happy" almost - except there's nothing happy about it. And then the toxic shame kicks in; shame over being so trigger sensitive, shame over what I'm doing to my partner, shame that I can't seem to Just Stop, shame that I'm not the person that my partner deserves, shame about the fact that if I can't figure my own shit out, my partner WILL develop contempt for me eventually and it will be of my own doing. Thank you for your videos, I usually get something out of each and every one. :)

[dseer]

I feel ashamed of experiencing the vulnerability of the feeling that my needs, emotions and being matters as much to someone else as their own matter to them.

[kuma]

Last night I literally had the craziest shame attack ever, and now this video shows up!!! How do you always know exactly what we need to hear? Crazy !!! Thank you so much Heidi Priebe!!

[Happywholy]

The reason they were feeling resentful was not because they were doing more work, it was because they were suppressing more of themselves in order to do the work. So true.

[JulietGalvez-xx]

You have no idea how many people you are helping with your channel! You are the ANGEL that many of us were in need of! May God bless your soul and your mind! 😇🙏🏻🩷

[josielandes]

I'm struggling to even identify my needs at this point. I feel like I've tried hard not to have any for my entire life LOL

[danak]

This is exactly what I needed to hear. I suffer from toxic shame whenever I need anything that inconveniences anyone. I recently decided I needed to switch jobs. My first thought after that was, "I'll be making my boss and coworkers' lives harder because they'll have to cover my shifts. How can I do this to them?" I logically know that this is just a part of life, and they won't be offended. But it still bubbles up!

[KintsugiRemade]

EVERYBODY WAKE UP. NEW HEIDI WISDOM JUST DROPPED 🗣️🗣️

[hx]

I finally understand why I ended my relationship, I wasn't able to really bring my needs to the table in a calm way

[aubreyrose]

There are some needs that might be zero sum. Smaller needs probably not but in the big life decision i.e. getting married, having kids, choosing where to live, etc. If you and your significant other are in direct opposition there might not be a solution that will satisfy anyone's needs. For someone security attached identifying one of these conflicting needs might mean the end of a relationship but in a mutual and healthy way. For someone insecurely attached the fear of losing a relationship is enough to force them to suppress those needs for the "greater good" and continue on.