Narcissism in Mother-in-law/Daughter-in-law relationships

This video answers the question: Can I describe the narcissistic mother-in-law in the context of a mother-in-law daughter-in-law relationship ? This type of relationship can be challenging.
We see in the research literature, from the perspective of the daughter-in-law, that this relationship causes a lot of tension and they find that the communication is often hurtful, dissatisfying, and the poor quality of these mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationships can cause damage in marriages. There are a lot of factors to consider here in terms of the ramifications of the narcissistic mother-in-law, like the potential relational and mental health ramifications.
Narcissism is a number of characteristics associated with it: manipulation, arrogance, being condescending, a sense of being superior, a sense of entitlement, self-centeredness, requiring a lot of admiration, being resentful, distrusting, feeling insecure, and also being cold, distant and unforgiving. Now on top of this, we see a lot of anger, aggression, and jealousy as well. Narcissism can be divided into two types: grandiose and vulnerable. I think of vulnerable narcissism as more related to the problems with the mother-in-law/ daughter-in-law dynamic, but grandiose narcissism can play a part as well.

[meera]

Every Narcissistic mother in law is also a Narcissistic mother, wife, sister, grandmother... It affects all relationships.

[yezenia]

I think its really sick how some mother's see themselves as the main character in their sons life. Even using them as emotional support, a replacement husband 😷

[juliebolger]

I am a mother in law! I have a wonderful daughter in law and I see her as a bonus daughter. ( I have 2 son in laws too). Mothers need to accept they are not number 1 in the son's life once they have a wife and the marital relationship has to be respected. Enjoy your grandchildren but for goodness sake respect the right of the parents to make their own decisions :)

[kathyhansen]

It's the job of the husband to deal with his narcissist mother. If he doesn't, he will lose the respect of his wife.

[globaloptimatarot]

Eve was lucky. She had no mother-in-law.

[Amandax-txyb]

The saddest part is this is my life. If you have a mil like this, GET OUT NOW. NOTHING YOU DO WILL EVER BE GOOD ENOUGH. No amount of kindness helps these people.

[AhsetofAtum]

Why does no one ever talk about how devastating this can be to a person? I came from an abusive family right into another one with my mil and her extended family who have done so many evil things to me and yet no one ever cares..they just say things like: "Mil's are like that, no big deal" but it is a big deal! I guess I'm just an easy target since I have no family to stand up for me and I was already so broken from childhood. It's easy to step on someone when they are already in the dirt.

[cookiecreampie]

Daughter in laws need to remember this very important fact. "YOU ARE THE GATEKEEPER". You decide who you spend time with, you decide who is in your life and who is in your children's lives. At any point you decide a parent, grandparent, uncle, or aunt is acting in a manner you do not like or is unhealthy, you have the power to lock the gate.
My parents kept us away from 3 out of 6 grandparents (second marriages) then 2 of the 3 we were allowed to know died when we were little. As an adult I learned for myself the many reasons why they kept us away from those people and I agree with the decision and am glad they did it.

"The moment you stop being the obedient daughter is the moment you become a fearless mother." Your spouse may have a problem with it but just be upfront and communicate with them about your feelings and the actions of his or your parents. You may need to get proof of a few things your mother in law says, recording apps are great. Since hurtful words are usually said when you're alone it just confirms what you heard and no one can say "you must of misheard"

[dormanmom]

Sadly, my narcissistic mother in law’s toxic behaviors created two very toxic men. Both of them married very empathetic women. My sister and law and I became her biggest targets for abuse and we both receive zero support regarding the way she treats us from her “boys”. It’s a horrible dynamic. Thank you for the info and affirmation.

[uk]

What i would say that there are 3 types of things a mother in law tries to do.
1. Turn your husband against you
2. Create drama ao that your husband is stressed. That leads to more fights in your relationship
3. Insult/disrespect you to make you angry/scared that she will destroy your relationship - leading to more fights and drama in your relationship

All three ultimately lead to destroying the relationship if not dealt with properly

[totalhealthtrip]

I knew nothing about narcissism until I met my mother in-law. It took me years to figure it out. I searched the internet with her “symptoms” cause something just doesn’t make sense. She even said something is wrong with her mentally but she never had it diagnosed. I just distance myself as much as possible I am not going to waste my time playing her mind games. I don’t give a hard time to anyone nor will I take it.

[Ddslmo]

I see you've met my my mother-in-law.

[tammiewilkerson]

My mother in law was the cause of my divorce. My husband said his marriage was a burden he didn't know how to balance between his wife and mother. He paid for my lawyer fees because he didn't wanna be a MAN and tell his mother. A MAN SHOULD LEAVE HIS MOTHER AND FATHER AND CLEAVE TO HIS WIFE. HIS MOTHER BEEN SEPARATED FROM HER HUSBAND FOR 3O YRS. THAT'S THE CHOICE SHE MADE. SINCE HER LIFE IS ALL SCREWED UP SHE CAME BETWEEN MYSELF AND MY HUSBAND.

[AbsoluteMdot]

My Mother-in-law has been causing issues between my husband and I. Everything has to be all about her it's like she constantly needs her sons attention and cant stand to see him with another women

[DeborahLArmstrong]

My MIL has attacked me a few times. At first, I was shocked by what she said. Later I stood up to her and she finally backed down. Now she is passive aggressive toward me. Outwardly charming, but I catch her watching me sometimes and her eyes are full of hatred. She tried to get inside my head, told me I have "low self esteem" and when I disagreed she said she has a degree in psychology. I reminded her that her "degree" is from 40+ years ago and that she is not a licensed psychologist, nor has she ever had a practice, and so she is not qualified to diagnose my mental health. Of course, her son walks on water and can do no wrong, and all problems in our marriage are my fault, never his. :/

[KH_Always]

My husband’s mother used to hurt me with her behaviors. I tried to win her over. Could never do it though. I got sick in 2017/2018 and decided to get rid of those who bring more pain in my life than joy. Have never been happier. Still married to her son, but now she means nothing to me. Funny thing is once I emotionally divorced her, she’s all nice to me now. Either way, I don’t know her enough to care. Lol!

[lunada]

I named my mother in law the mother in law from hell. I suffered 20 years of abuse from her and couldn't say anything to her because in my culture is disrespectful to say anything yo someone older than you. One day I decided to end it all and she is out of my life forever. I am so happy that I moved 1000 miles away from her. My kids and me are so much happier.

[ellevelin]

It took me 5 years to find out, name and comprehend what was happening to me, my marriage and the relationship to my husband. That's the hardest part- a lot of people experiencing narcissistic abuse can't name it and don't know how or what exactly is happening. I personally started watching videos and reading books on the topic because I was convinced that something was wrong with me. Eventually I even went to a therapist and with their help I could finally name it. My husband and I are now 1 year mother-in-law-free and trying to rebuild what his mother managed to break.
I wish I had found this particular video earlier as it describes 100% of everything I experienced the last 5 years. It'd have helped me deliver the message to my husband a lot earlier.

[lefredeburgh]

Another version of the gossip/relationship damaging is where the narcissistic mother in law tells third parties fabricated things and claims the daughter in law said them. It's a form of relationship damaging/smear campaign.

[zsuzsuspetals]

I once heard a therapist talk about how in her 40 years of experience, there has only been a handful of times when a father or father in law was causing severe problems in a marriage to the point the couple was ready to divorce. Usually, like 90% of the time, it's the mother or mother in law causing problems.

She also said that decades ago it was more common to see a woman's mother causing issues in a marriage. But these days, it's much more common that the man's mother is killing a relationship. It's likely a cause of the rise of single mothers and overall the coddling of men. It was almost unheard of 40 years ago for a 28 year old man to be living with his parents unless he had cognitive problems. Now we see men who are completely financially dependent on their parents and the mothers are loving it. So any woman that comes along and tries to help the man to find a path, become a man, get on his feet and move out will be seen as the enemy.
Women usually have an easier time putting their mothers in their place. Usually. But men seem to really struggle with telling their mothers to stand down. So the problem grows over time.
Men need to remember, it's more important that a woman respects you than loves you. Love can only go so far. When a woman loses respect for a man, the relationship is going to die a quick death. If a man can't stand up to his mother, there is no way he can strut around his house like a man and expect his woman to respect him. It doesn't work that way.