Your Emotional Needs Not Being Met in Relationships

Hello. Thanks for checking out my YouTube channel.

In my videos, I like to talk about Psychology, Healing Attachment Trauma, Relationship Repair, Inner Child Self-Re-Parenting, Love Addiction, Codependency, Grieving Break Ups, Family Programming, Fantasy Relationships, The Romantic Narrative, Primal Panic, Trauma Bonding, Double-Binds, Attachment Styles, Couples Counseling, Better Boundaries, Shame and Self-love, CPTSD Breakthroughs, Emotional Availability, and Body-Focused Psychotherapy for Healing Trauma..

☑️ Heal Your Relationships = #relationships
☑️ Trust Your Intuition = #selfcare
☑️ Repair w/ Counseling = #psychology

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Alan Robarge, LPC, Licensed Professional Counselor,
Attachment-Focused, Trauma-Informed,
Psychotherapist and Relationship Educator

Emotional Connections Matter!

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Your Emotional Needs Not Being Met in Relationships

In this video, I talk about the impact of growing up with attachment trauma on our adult relationships. Those with attachment injuries and attachment trauma will find that getting emotional needs met via partner bonding will trigger anxiety and distress.

Questions to answer in the comments section:
What is one thing you learned from listening to this video?
What is one takeaway you can apply to your personal healing process?

Remember to leave a comment. What is your takeaway from this video?

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☑️ Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz:

☑️ Learn about Improve Your Relationships Community:

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☑️ Learn about Healing Heartbreak Course: Coming Soon

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@alan_robarge_psychotherapist

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☑️ Want to learn more about relationships? Then, sign up for the Everyday Relating Questionnaire.

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Your Emotional Needs Not Being Met in Relationships

[AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Hello Subscribers:

Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.

One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.

Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!

As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on YouTube. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.

I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.

That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on YouTube. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.


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Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.

Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.

The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.

While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.


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I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.

When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.

You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.


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Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution.


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Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos.

And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!”

Best regards,


Alan Robarge
Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist

[BossBabe]

If you love yourself just leave the relationship. Don’t waste your energy or your time trying to get the other person to hear/feel you. Esp, if you’ve done this on numerous occasions. This way you don’t end up a “villian” and them a “victim.” Keep your sanity and LEAVE THEM BEHIND.

[tonismith]

I ended it last night. He straight up told me he's never going to meet my emotional needs. A part of me will miss him for awhile. But I now realize he no longer belongs in my life.

[agirl]

What a convoluted mess of a marriage. The partner that emotionally withholds connection triggers a feeling of insecurity in the partner who desires and needs it. Therefore, she/he feels unloved and tries to escape the "uncomfortableness" of this feeling through making her partner feel responsible and thus inadequate. Now, they both feel unsafe with each other and it becomes a power struggle. There can be no real communication and certainly no resolution because they're equally wounded and mistrustful of the other and, both are clearly in survival mode. Chances are the partner who feels starved of connection will most likely suggest seeking therapy and IF the other partner initially agrees, it won't last long because the moment the emotionally closed-off partner feels pressured, (now, by the counselor) to be more expressive...he feels coerced and all bets are off. Both partners crawl off to their lonely, dark corners to lick their wounds and fester their resentment toward the other. If they have children, the emotionally needy partner will try to fill the void and hold the family dynamic together by distracting herself with their activities and placating herself with her children's love and attention. She may self-sooth by finding an enjoyable hobby and cultivating friendships. He's grateful the focus is off of him but never once considers looking at ways he could grow or improve emotionally. The relationship appears to work on the surface, but the partners become grossly disconnected, secretly bitter and highly disinterested in each other. They're simply roommates who smile to get along and hide the pain. The daily grind offers some relief as the years go by but eventually, the kids grow on, the house quiets and all that's left are two mortally wounded, disillusioned, burned out people who have so long ago forgotten any real meaning in life, that they don't even recognize themselves in the mirror anymore. Time wasted, minds f*cked.

[ZzZzWillow]

You need emotional attachment no matter what in a relationship or else it’s not a relationship at all and if your partner is not willing to give you your basic emotional needs they just don’t care enough and or are doing their best. And if they are ignoring your emotional needs completely you need to end the relationship. Even if u tried multiple times to communicate to them you need that satisfaction and they neglect it. They shouldn’t be in a relationship with you.

[Goldensunrise-]

The protest behavior is usually arising after a far more reasonable & softer requests for emotional connection & partnering has been made. If we are with a person who is fundamentally avoidant, they won’t respond no matter how much work we do on ourselves. Yes it’s important to be self aware & work on our ability to stand alone emotionally but in a healthy relationship no one is actively avoiding intimacy & so no one is going to perennially feel rejected. It’s all co created

[josevelez]

Unfortunately, we can become trapped in these feelings. If your partner does not want to open up to you or refuses to be vulnerable with you, it is best to end the relationship.

[Kallenxo]

"we seek comfort at any cost" this just broke me. so very true

[sweetroll]

Dont mind me, just dropping timestamps for me later:

12:00-15:57 personal neediness
15:58 - 17:34 effects on partner
17:35 - 18:55 cause and affect
19:45 - 21:17 step one to fixing neediness
21:18 - 27:22 staying or leaving
27:22 - 28:30 leading and problem solving
28:30 - 29:48 self reflection and making the partner feel safe, secure, and attracted
29:49 - 33:46 skill, questioning your choice in partner, and negotiation with your partner

[kaitlynmyran]

You do need emotinal connection. When your standards are not only realistic but bare minimum and they can't meet them ... I don't think your the problem they probably need to grow up .

[penelopelambson]

Allen is saying that we need to own our needs and learn to cope at times with comforting ourselves when our partner is unavailable. Then to learn non critical ways of asking to have our needs met. None of us is going to be able to meet a partners needs all the time. That’s a realistic fact if human relationships.
However, if the partner is incapable of, or consistently unwilling, to help us get our needs met, we may need to determine whether or not it is a healthy relationship for us. He’s not saying we shouldn’t have needs or should be satisfied with a partner who fails to be emotionally available too frequently.

[lisacarr]

I have learned not to say anything because I would either get attacked or ignored; therefore, as a result I am losing attraction and desire for this person and constant dissatisfaction with the situation. It may not be healthy on my part, however this person is dismissive avoidant which is resulting in my falling out of love. If you are unhappy w someone, and conscious you may be somewhat codependent, it does not prevent us from falling out of love. I may be damaged but my partner is worse. Others have met my needs; therefore I know it is possible.

[sapphire]

I wasted 16 years in a relationship with someone who didn't meet my emotional needs but the cold hard fact is its my fault for not calling it quits back when I was 19 years old.

[whatthef]

Sir, you make me feel like the dumbest, meanest, most selfish looser in the world, at times, and I can't express just how grateful I am for being shown this and  how bad I been screwing up.  You have proved me wrong multiple times and told me how it actually is. While watching your videos, often times I feel like you are reading my biography. You are so clear and make complete sense.  The information I learned from you is priceless  and I thank you from the bottom of my heart!   Have a great day sir!

[mathews]

Yes, hes right. Your partner lacks attunement and you require it. The problem is when you force it from your partner out of anxiety rather than accept it and either be okay with it or move on. You are not wrong for needing attunement in a relationship for satisfaction. In fact that's completely normal. Its not wrong to feel frustrated or unheard. Whats wrong is telling your partner they are wrong for not being able to do it.

[cg]

I sabotaged every relationship I was in until I worked thru this issue with a therapist. I’m grateful I woke up or else I’d be making every partner responsible for my happiness which is impossible. Therapy works

[nursemelody]

Omg!!! You have helped me more than my therapist!!!! I'm blown away at how you seemed to know exactly what he and I are going through!!

[Vloggingwithrosalyn]

We cant disregard intuition and the disconnect coming from someone who cant reciprocate emotions. The having you guessing and feeling on the edge as if its you, and when asked they say it's nothing. No one should have to dim their light to suit a person who does not seem this way at a beginning of a relationship but over time sets into their ways. (yet we picked them) They never show their true self which is why they are emotional avoidant. They fear being they self. Best thing to do is leave. When you have questions unanswered, emotions not met, attraction not reciprocated, etc.

[DaniielleMoniique]

I feel like such a fool, I can’t believe my expectations for my ex fiancé were so high. While all I had to do was get myself together and find my own tools for coping instead of expecting my ex to comfort me in my extreme distress... smh I’m so glad I know now & I’ll definitely make sure I don’t repeat the same cycle! (This is one of the videos that changed my mind COMPLETELY)

[tealdreams]

I didn’t give this emotional rollercoaster game too much time. Everything was great in the beginning, he then gradually pulled away by the 4 month mark. By then I knew that it’s not going to change. I said to myself.. If he’s not wanting to see me more than once or twice a week, if he’s not showing the affection he used to, if all he does is finding errors and oddities in me, if he constantly talks about himself but never asks me about anything, if he’s only present in my life in a very superficial way, then I need to move on, this is not the kind of compromise I’m ok with, no matter how hard it will be to say goodbye, no matter how much I will struggle afterwards. I do understand that no one is going to be “perfect”. But I also now see that there’s an extremely fine line between compromise and incompatibility and it’s on us, only on us to decide where that line is!