How To Heal From Childhood Emotional Neglect

In this video, we explore how to heal from the impacts of childhood emotional neglect.

We all have 3 core emotional needs. As children, we depend on our primary caregivers to meet these needs. How well they do so teaches us how to meet them for ourselves as we become adults.

As a child, you have few options to deal with unpleasant events. You cannot physically get up and leave your home if your parents are emotionally abusing or neglecting you. So the only way to survive painful events is to withdraw- to disconnect emotionally.

This emotional disconnection often continues into adulthood and can look like using substances like alcohol or drugs to numb feelings. Or you may put all your energy and focus into your work to escape how you feel.

It’s easy to think negatively about how you learnt to cope when subjected to childhood trauma. But the first part of healing is understanding that those coping strategies helped you survive at the time. By understanding that they once served a necessary purpose, we can begin to let them go from a place of love.

The gift of being an adult is we’re not dependent upon others to meet our core emotional needs. We have within us what we need to heal, but to access this we need to slow down, make space and learn to connect to the love within us.

00:00 Introduction
00:15 What is Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN)
01:36 How To Heal CEN
01:48 Learn To Meet Your 3 Core Emotional Needs

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[AlexHowardTherapy]

Which of these core emotional needs were not met for you in childhood and what has helped you to effectively meet these needs for yourself? 👇

[anitathomas]

As the second oldest of five children and the only girl, I have no memory of my mom ever holding or hugging me. Don't recall ever holding her hand. I do remember my dad holding and calming me once when I narrowly escaped being hit by a car.

[kierlak]

All 3 of these were not met while I was growing up.

Therapy saved my life. Vulnerability, Inner-child work, self-compassion. And lastly forgiveness which brought so much peace to my life.

In one of the books (Transcending Trauma by Frank Anderson) I read the following: trauma blocks love and love heals trauma.

Took me a while to understand it fully. But through my own therapy, today I can say that I cannot agree more with the above statement.

[TriciaBooth]

In my personal life, these needs were met, literally, by God from my childhood onwards. When I was young he showed me a verse that was then, and always has been, true for me, in a literal way, it says: Psalms 27:10 "When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up." The love, safety, comfort, guidance and help I needed was found in God - and I know many people will reject that but I hope some people here will realise how very real and true that is.

[JoshuaEdward]

Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.

[JohannBoyes]

I was one of 5 children so felt I had to compete for attention and always trying to please. I'm now 55 and married to someone who shows minimal affection, I have to ask for a hug. He's bit of a narcissist. I became ill with CFS 7 years ago and the first 4 years were all about him, all I got from him was anger and him saying daily What about me?!' I'm getting better now thanks to your wonderful clinic. I meditate, do yoga and keep reading inspirational books to get me through this. Things are better between us now but not sure I want to stay anymore.

[jacintaphillips]

I have no memory of being held or loved by either parent. But I do have fond memories of being hugged, fed, and boundary settings with my grandparents. Sadly by aged 8 their love went away from my parents moving away from them. I think it's my grandparents love is what has saved me a little, I don't want to imagine what I would be like today without their love, but I'm sure my traumas would be worse. Thank you Alex for your videos, they help me loads to understand myself 😊

[ginnywalker]

None of the core needs were met in my childhood or beyond. My mother was a narcissist and we all (there were 5 children) heard that we were no good, we were stupid, and there was constant turmoil in our daily lives. I learned to cope by doing what felt like survival to me and later I found staying away from my mother seemed to be best because every single time I was in her presence alone, with no other people to witness our encounter, she told lies about me that did not even resemble the truth. I will never understand how a mother can hate their own child or children so much. She was also diagnosed with mental health issues but I do not know that her narcissistic tendencies were ever realized by doctors or addressed. She passed several years ago and I hope she found peace in passing because she was an extremely unhappy and mean person during her life. Thank you, Alex Howard, for what you share and please know it is very helpful.

[TomReacts]

Yesterday I was at home and I did something, which was a behavior that I had developed as a child in response to my environment around me. And this behavior I didn’t realize until yesterday I had been doing for years. I want to learn how to undo this because I also realized that I have been putting myself in this survival mode for years and I’ve always had the choice to not be there as an adult. I’m a 32 year old man that has a lot going for me and I don’t want to be in this self imposed prison for the rest of my life. Thanks for the video, it was great.

[FinnTheInfinncible]

Thanks Alex.none of these were met for me on Childhood. I've done a lot of work on myself, and had a lot of therapy, I'm now clean and sober 13 years. But, over last 5 years I've developed ME/CFS and I think a part of this is due to the chronic stres, anxiety and depression I've dealt with as a result of this childhood trauma. It's only now I'm realising that I've only really dealt with the surface and there is so much work to do. I need now to work on my self esteem, separating my love of myself and my worth from my productivity, which is so hard. I'm trying! Thank you for this very timely video.

[streaming]

What I like about utube is when comments are acknowledged by the presenter but that doesn't happen on this channel. It makes it real.

[gabrielakarl]

My mom was physically abusive and emotionally neglected me. She never hugged me, reassured me or told me that she loved me. My dad traveled a lot and only felt safe with him. I grew up thinking she didn't love me and that she was jealous of my dads love for me(he was very attentive to me and not her when he was home).

[MAG]

All were met, kind of, sometimes. Not consistently. I never knew what I would get, support or ignored, or punishment. The suspense could make ya crazy...

[jennysubnaik]

I think love is the key to all our closed doors.
Learning to love oneself helps us to appreciate the little things that we accomplish.
Letting go of the past, thinking that no matter what, i can do it .
There is so much more but these things help me. Being in a verbal relationship..
Worda are like a sword, it stans in plces were the wound never seems to heal.

[jeanniecampbell]

myself and siblings always lived in fear and this make me even to this day ...on guard .

[Radhatter]

I am an English boy who was sent to a boarding school in Africa aged 8 and remained in boarding schools until I was 19. I suffered from low self esteem, alcoholism and anxiety, fear of people in authority all my life. I’m always projecting and speculating worst case scenarios. This was probably due to being bullied and sexually abused by older boys.

[ritaebrahimi]

I am working on “self love” and I think it would be the main solution!

[DJOHER]

Magnificent how you touch the core of our selves and how you explain it and don, t forget the style of not just tel the words but writing it so as we listening we memorise the words as beautiful as hopefull❤❤❤

[ElizabethBix-yu]

Alex I have listened to many of your you tube videos and almost finished your three amazing RESET videos. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your knowledge, dedication, passion and care. As a child of emotional neglect ( loss of sibling who was 6 yrs to terminal leukaemia-I was 5yrs) my parents who definitely loved me hadn’t the resources to give me my three core emotional needs. I am 25yrs in alcoholic recovery through AA and dx with CFS/INS and every word you ve said resonates at the deepest level. So my everlasting gratitude to your overwhelming knowledge and passion

[kristinmeyer]

I love how clear and concise yet emotionally intelligent this is. Appreciated!