Why you’re an emotional sponge and 5 Tips for Better Boundaries

Do you seem to take on other people’s emotions and then have trouble managing them? In this video I answer a viewer question and discuss two reason you can be an emotional sponge:
1. Having low emotional intelligence
2. Being a people pleaser or wanting to save people

I also discuss 5 ways to stop being an emotional sponge.
2. Identify the origin of your emotions
3. Learn to manage your emotions so they don’t overwhelm you
4. Establish clear boundaries between yourself and others
5. Understand what’s behind your need to save people

Videos referenced in this video

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Disclaimer: All of the information on this channel is for educational purposes and not intended to be specific/personal medical advice from me to you. Watching the videos or getting answers to comments/question, does not establish a doctor-patient relationship. If you have your own doctor, perhaps these videos can help prepare you for your discussion with your doctor.

[ourtravelingzoo]

Also I grew up in a house where if mama wasn’t happy no one was. We scrambled to make her happy. Impossible but we tried.

[familiasilvasauro]

my therapist always told me that I have to learn how to be a filter and not a sponge, it's hard but I've been learning

[afreen]

So glad she addressed the whole “I’m an empath” thing. Most people who thought they were empaths later realize they just had really poor emotional boundaries.

[likeagenieinabottle]

Wow, the diagnosis of "low emotional intelligence" really stung but perhaps it's what I needed to hear. Strangely enough I've always thought of myself as having a high emotional intelligence as I read and react to *other* people's emotions quite well. I now know I'm not good at the most important part, of understanding and reacting to my *own* emotions. I'm still trying to recover to a childhood of abuse/neglect from a narcissistic parent. Your videos are helping ☺

[jjcole]

This amazing woman needs her own television show. She encouraged me to get help for my depression and anxiety and I am forever grateful. ❤

[charlesfoxtrotx]

Side note: love that necklace/dress print combo

[thecqueen]

"It's okay to be selfish, people will literally drain you of your mind, will, and emotions, pick up your purse and go do something for you...." This is my mantra.

[jtrix]

The thing that hurts the most about being an emotional sponge in my experience is the fact that you are always there for ppl for support, you hold ppl when they cry, you tell them a joke to lift ppl spirits but when you are going through something....none of those ppl are there for you/want nothing to do with you when you don't support them. The realization that you are just a tool they use when they need you is devastating.

[dotunn]

We must protect Dr Marks at all costs, she is a global treasure.

[lollylula]

Thanks Dr Marks. I think I 'saved' people because I was unconsciously treating others how I wanted to be treated, like listening to them, caring, being attentive/invested in them. And I would do to this to the exclusion of myself. So I was furthering the patterns from my childhood of me not being heard or valued by putting all my attention on others - continuing to not listen to or value myself. Now I'm working on turning that saving on to me, practicing listening to and valuing my self❣️

[L.Akosua]

Basic human psychology should be on every school curriculum. I believe we could prevent a lot of mental health issues that way. Thank you for these videos, Dr. Marks!😊

[sybrix]

This was very eye opening. I always thought of myself as an "empath" because other people's emotions greatly effect mine. For example I'm really struggling to be friends with a person who is going through a rough period and always in a bad mood, and sometimes lashes out at me and vents constantly about everything wrong in her life. Usually this also drags my mood down for days after hanging out with them and I cycle through resentment towards them, then feeling horrible for being resentful, then trying to put myself in their shoes, etc. I start to ruminate on my own past issues and spiral into anxiety or depression, all traced back to being around this person. Previously I thought I just had to cut people like this out of my life, but I'm starting to realize I attract and tolerate these types of people. I have a need to "be a good listener" and a good supportive friend to feel worthy of people's time, but with poor emotional intelligence and boundaries, which I never realized I had until watching this, it's actually just harming me. I guess I have a lot of work to do.

[NeverLetLoveGo]

Their feelings aren’t mine, I don’t have to feel them. Have a nice day all!

[sandyedwards]

Also too many people think they pick or attract the “wrong people” when the truth is that there are some people who are looking for nice people to exploit. More often than not, it is not the problem of choosing someone wrong but rather the issue is not discerning who might be sizing you up to take advantage of your kindness.

[revinaque]

My counselor calls this "emotional dumping, " where you basically allow someone else to treat you like an emotional garbage can. It's one of the first things that we addressed in therapy. And in spite of years and years of therapy, the knee-jerk reaction to be a people pleaser and a people fixer is still with me. Some things are just too deeply ingrained to ever go away completely, I guess. All we can do is develop the tools to work around our handicaps.

[sarawawa]

“It’s uncomfortable feeling vague about things, so it’s nice to have someone swoop in and show you how to feel”

You put words to something I have been trying to understand about myself for so long

[leftyfourguns]

My favorite motto in regards to this problem is "observe not absorb". The doctor does a great job in expanding on that in a relatable way

[SteeleMagnolia]

Thank you for your precise explanation. I've battled being labeled "too nice", although my contributions to others have always been genuine. A life-long battle with this, stemming from CPTSD, has left me in burnout, so now I'm find peace at keeping more to myself and enjoying the therapeutic craft of woodworking and restoring furniture.

[Sssadow]

She mentioned that not "feeling strongly" about things could be a reason you end up soaking up the emotions of others and that struck me. When I'm on my own, I do generally have an awareness of how I feel, but my wants, needs, emotions, and opinions never feel very strong or urgent. My emotions are typically quite weak, bordering on indifferent, so as soon as someone else enters the room their feelings easily overpower mine. How can I strengthen my feelings and opinions so I'm not so easily overpowered and overwhelmed?

[dddddangel]

My mother used too call herself an "empath" but actually she couldn't distinguish her own emotions from mine whenever I was down or sad she'd just get mad at me without even asking what was wrong, because she wanted there to be a "positive vibe". 😒