Emotional Invalidation in Relationships: What You Need to Know - Terri Cole

Have you ever confided in someone you wanted comfort from only to be told…

“It could be worse.”

“At least it wasn’t X, Y, or Z!”

“Look on the bright side…”

“I don’t know why you are making such a big deal…”

These are all examples of emotional invalidation.

Maybe you’ve even said these things to others, unintentionally invalidating them. This is common if we're high functioning codependents and other people's distress causes us distress.

But even if your heart is in the right place, emotional invalidation can damage your relationships.

That’s why in today’s episode, I’m breaking down what emotional invalidation is, discussing why so many of us are emotional invalidators, and offering ways to emotionally validate our loved ones so that we can strengthen our relationships.

TIME STAMPS:
0:00 - Introduction
2:15 - What *is* emotional invalidation? And what's emotional validation?
4:00 - An example of emotional validation vs. invalidation
5:58 - Why emotional invalidation is so common
7:22 - Intentional emotional invalidation
7:54 - Unintentional emotional invalidation (high functioning codependents do this!)
10:33 - Examples of emotional invalidation (what to watch out for)
13:00 - What emotional validation looks like & what we can do

RELATED VIDEOS:

ABOUT TERRI COLE
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, global relationship and empowerment expert, and the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free.

For over two decades, Terri has worked with a diverse group of clients that includes everyone from stay-at-home moms to celebrities and Fortune 500 CEOs.

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RESOURCES:
I no longer offer one-on-one coaching/therapy sessions but highly recommend using BetterHelp to find a therapist that fits your needs. As a team, we have fully vetted BetterHelp's resources. If you choose to sign up for Better Help's service, I will receive a commission on the referral but please know that I only recommend services that I know & trust.

#emotionalabuse #terricoleshow #codependencyrecovery

[terri_cole]

Have you ever had the experience of being emotionally invalidated? What did it feel like? Did you communicate this to the other person? Let me know 👇

[arabesquearomas]

I really liked this clarifying statement - "People who don't care about the way you feel are not emotionally safe people."

[michellet]

I love when Terri said, "I have this rule that if you want to be in my life, you can not understand the way that I feel, but you definitely have to give a shit. For sure. Or you can't be in the VIP section of my life."
Thank you Terri! So good. I'm playing this over & over in my mind until I can fully stick with that as a rule for myself!

[nicolebrown]

I was in a longterm relationship where this was a HUGE problem. My feelings were always invalidated or devalued. This caused me to shut down and start with passive aggressive behaviors because I could not directly express how I felt. The resentment amongst other things is what caused me to ultimately leave the relationship. I can identify with everything you've stated in this video. Thank you.

[kimmywinky]

I've learned and grown so much in the last couple years and it wasn't from the half dozen therapists throughout my life I saw, , medications, which thankfully not on anymore, books etc. It was my neighbor validating my feelings, which was the 1st time in 58 years anyone listened let alone validated me. It has changed my life and led me to you, your book and starting to really find answers and heal!

[marymcfadden]

Thank you for another excellent video. My clue I'm being invalidated is an immediate lonely feeling. Looking forward to your next book. Having a chronically ill father and scared mother from early childhood, I can relate to being a high functioning codependent. Trying to control things to feel safe. You put it into words perfectly.

[lisadee]

I see that I have a lot of emotionally unsafe people in my life, through their emotional invalidation. I am working to limit or remove those relationships. When I tell my mom what you are saying to me is hurting my feelings, all she says is you are just too sensitive. Then at the next visit she insults me with the same comment and I got upset. She then told me I was a grudge holder. I wasn't the one who brought it up. As she was leaving she then knocked on the bedroom door and said through it, "but I still love you Lisa." It reminds me as a child I was to be seen but not heard. GAG, your repeated actions are not fitting those words mom. Not in my VIP section any longer.

[jackilynpyzocha]

You just said what I heard when I was a kid. He would say "stop crying or I will give you something to cry about" including being hit with the belt. Verbal and physical abuse.

[CristalSponaugle]

Hi Terri my name is cristal i finally left my abusive husband i found your videos I want to say thank you first i felt like i deserved all the abuse you have taught me so much i never heard of gaslighting after watching your video over and over i realized my husband has done this to me for 10 years. I was granted a 2 year protective order im taking this time to start putting my life back together.

[Willettgirl]

I'm really glad I found this channel because its making me recognize that I may have done some damage to my relationships but also making me realize that I have worth. I was in an emotionally, verbally and mentally abusive relationship for 8 years. Not to mention my own mother has shown narcissistic tendencies. My defensiveness has been formed from many many years of emotional manipulation and gaslighting... Its just been a mess and I've starting seeking therapy. But listening to these videos has really shed some light on a lot of things.

[dolcifioricakes]

This is so calming to my soul to hear. For years I have been made to feel like something was wrong with me by an entire family of emotionally unsafe people. Based on the fact they they believe the scripture that says to do good to them that mistreat you. I set strong boundaries regardless of what they think of me. My peace of mind is more important than fitting in.

[TheRuinofDarkness]

Lots of good nuggets here. I know when I've been invalidating and I've tried to do better because I never want anyone to feel unheard/unseen, etc.

[andi]

I am constantly dismissed by my mom. It feels extremely hurtful not being heard. I am making peace with it. Forgiving just so I have peace.

[miriamswuethrich]

You‘re putting in words, what I have always felt, but had no words for it. Thank you. So many AHA moments. Makes me see my life in a whole new different way. ❤

[smnthftlvr]

I've just learned through this video that I had been invalidating my ex partner's feelings for the four years that we were together. He constantly tried to bring it up but I just didn't understand and thought he would stay until I fixed it but obviously, a person can only take so much until he pulled the plug and broke it off for good. I'm glad he did because it wouldn't have led me to this video but it's also very sad that it had to come to that for me to actually listen :/

[lisahagerstrom]

I realize i definitely have had a very invalidating way about me with my friends and loved ones..not even realizing it at the time, this is eye opening. I do want to strive to be a better person

[allisonb.]

Youtube channels such as yours has taught me more than going to counseling has. Thank
you for the work you do. It is so very relevant today. Best wishes!

[darralansman]

I've finally admitted that I am not a natural empathizer. Yes, I can cry with a friend who has just lost her husband because I know that feeling. I can hurt with a friend who's child is choosing destructive behaviors because I've dealt with that too. I can even console a grieving stranger who has lost everything in a tornado even though I've never experienced that kind of loss. What I have a hard time empathizing with is drama or whining for the sake of attention; I don't have patience with "neediness." I drains me. I've thought, "if you don't like how you feel then change it!" or, "stop the drama!" I hear what you say; we don't have to agree with or understand their feelings in order to empathize. Is it still validating when we say, "Oh my, that must be so hard, I'm sorry you're going through that, " when we really can't put ourselves in their shoes? Yes, I have to work on validating they feel what they feel, neither right or wrong. Doesn't that sometimes just enable unhealthy emotional neediness? A constant need for external validation is exhausting for those who have to live or work with that person.
I'm also not one to emote a lot of feelings. My husband says I'm guarded. I say I'm just emotionally level; I don't get upset easily or highly excited.
Just thoughts I'm expressing...Thanks Terri for another thought provoking video!

[ulriccrowne]

I'm Matthew Momoh from Sierra Leone, I'm happy to be here. Thank you Terri

[christelnielandt]

Dear Terri, please do not ask me why. Just recently I started listening to your videos. Let me introduce myself briefly. Am a divorced lady 56 years young, no kids. HSP. Am a huge yoga fan and nature lover ( despite my fear for tick bites, can you explain a bit more about fears in life. My fear for ticks is simply because of the disease called Lyme disease. Being younger I also ‘had’ this huge fear for diseases / cancer. Could you talk about this please ?). Back to this video : I got so (!) much touched. I recognise myself clearly : I always (!) wanted / want to help people giving advice BUT the truth IS : their distress was / is causing me a lot of distress. Huge thanks for this MAJOR eye opener !! I have learned a lot by listening to you. Yes I do go and see a psychologist which is very supportive too. Love to continue listening to your videos. Big hug from Belgium. Christel 🙏🌷❤️. Ps : for so many years I felt weird. As soon as I found out I am HSP, so much has fallen into place.