8 Signs You're Not 'Nice', But A People Pleaser

Being nice has to do with how we treat other people. But what about how we treat ourselves? What if the “niceness” we show to others actually comes at the expense of our own happiness and well-being? Here are a few tell-tale signs that what you’re actually struggling with isn’t being “too nice” but being too much of a people pleaser.

Writer: Chloe Avenasa
Script Editor: Isadora Ho
Script Manager: Kelly Soong
Animator: Cristina
YouTube Manager: Cindy Cheong

References:
Cox, S. (2004). Curing fixer-pleaser syndrome. Nursing 2020, 34(5), 64.
Braiker, H. B., & Reading, K. (2001). The disease to please: Curing the people-pleasing syndrome (p. 0). New York: McGraw-Hill.
Ehman, K. (2021). When making others happy is making you miserable: how to break the pattern of people-pleasing and confidently live your life.
Hinton Jr, A. O., McReynolds, M. R., Martinez, D., Shuler, H. D., & Termini, C. M. (2020). The power of saying no. EMBO reports, 21(7), e50918.
Fine, M. (2013). The need to please: mindfulness skills to gain freedom from people pleasing and approval seeking. New Harbinger Publications.

[Psychgo]

Do you have stories of when you might have felt you were people pleasing and how did you handle those thoughts?

[drinasun]

0:49 You tend to over-apologize
1:28 You struggle to say no
2:01 You agree with everyone
2:36 You change for others
3:12 You're uncomfortable with conflict
3:44 You take responsibility for others' feelings
4:14 You seek validation
4:52 You don't speak your feelings

Don't be so nice that you start resenting the people you're friendly to. Take care of yourself first.

[rocamboleq]

Yep, i'm a people pleaser. It's not as bad as it was when i was younger, but i still avoid conflicts, apologize a lot, agree with everyone, hide my actual feelings and seek validation

[siennaprice]

I used to over-apologize, but I try not to do this anymore. I also used to be afraid to say no, but nowadays, I use the word no as a mantra, and it’s really helped me be ok with saying no more often. I still struggle with certain things, like wondering if people are mad at me, hiding things about myself in front of others, and this involves things about my disabilities, especially my physical handicap. I also don’t speak up if my feelings are hurt, or if I’m strugglling. I tend to bottle them up and say that nothing is wrong and that I’m ok. But I’m working on these things, because people pleasing can be very dark.

[PsychologyRefresh]

Remember, that people-pleasers may have trouble advocating for themselves, which can lead to a harmful pattern of self-sacrifice or self-neglect.

[Imtoobusyslayingrn]

"You're so nice!" Is the word I hear all the time when the people around me start to take advantage of me.

[_tiny.mushroom.cosplays_]

Okay, I'll admit it: I *AM* a people pleaser. I always find it hard to say no, but sometimes when I do say no I feel really bad. I apologize for saying no, and I apologize for everything even if it's not my fault. I take the blame for other people's feelings. I'm always seeking approval from others, even from my own parents. I don't talk about my feelings to others, because I think I'm wasting their time and I'll just be a bother to them. Sometimes it's hard to focus on ourselves when we want to make others around us happy, we feel like others feelings matter more than our own

[PleaseViewMyChannel]

*"People-pleasing is rooted in fear and is focused on earning love. Genuine love casts out fear."*

So I truly understand people pleasers. We may have been people pleaser at least once in our lives.

[thecatsbackyard]

My entire life was destroyed through this process. Here I am at 33 and I can say that nobody chooses to be a people pleaser. This is trained into someone when they're young. Some people get it worse than others. The tragedy is that you've got all this pain. Everything is more exquisitely painful and yet you have very few if any people to confide in.

[vee]

Being a people’s pleaser is something that makes me feel safe because I know I won’t make anyone mad. Edit: yes I know all the risk and yes I know when to stand my ground and have a few no’s but it just a reaction I try to control but overall- I say sorry a ton!

[kenrickbautista]

I'll admit: I can sometimes act like a complete people pleaser. But that's only because I'm very insecure, I occasionally worry way too much what the world views of me and fear I might not be good enough for them.

However, there have been moments in my life where I am a really nice person inside and out.

So there's that.

[albertovalencia]

I feel so identified just with the title, thanks so so much, this feels like home and a mental health safe space love you ✨ 😘

[LucianLivingstone]

I spent my entire school years being such a people pleaser. From the beginning of Middle School towards the end of High School. Never really knew how to say no or disagree. I always did anything I could to please other people and made sure everyone liked me. I didn’t think anything of it as back then I was such an extroverted, energetic, happy and positive person, but now I’m severely depressed, chronically anxious, and introverted as hell… They would tell you it will take a toll on you, of course I didn’t believe it, but of course it’s a process, keep storing everyone else’s burdens and soon you’ll find yourself carrying not only yours but everyone else’s burdens. Which can bring you down a lot, which I can say is one the leading causes that made me mentally unhealthy. Now I’m struggling to maintain happiness, struggling to sleep well, and struggling to stay energized since I’m constantly tired. Please watch over yourselves, make sure you please yourself before others. ♡

[khalilahd.]

I used to be NOTORIOUS for over apologizing just because I wanted to be liked but there’s a power in “no” or just understanding that some people won’t be happy regardless and to remember your own boundaries. So so helpful 💛

[PHXNTXSMXGORIX]

Wow literally everything applies to me 100%💀

[layneonthesofa]

I identified with almost all of these signs to a degree. It’s interesting to think about how much our personality vs. our environment has contributed to these tendencies.

[chelsss]

Crazy to say majority of these characteristics I once possessed..

Why should you disregard yourself to appease others? Do they do the same for you? There's light on the other side lol. Walk in your truth. Your feelings matter!! Once you put up those boundaries watch how the people you surround yourself with react.

[manyasingh]

This is honestly so heart breaking for me I grew up in a abusive house hold where I was abused both physically and mentally whenever I was out of that house people used to compliment me alot about how kind I used to be with them but now that I look back I understand how they were praising me for the compromises I made at the expense of my self esteem and time

[trinaq]

I'm guilty of many of these signs, but I resolve to sort them out, and put myself first, and not just try to please others all the time.

[moonchildyoushine]

I knew the answer to this question but I watched the video anyway. I always try to make people happy. I try to avoid conflict because I don't just dislike when people are upset with me; I get scared if they are upset because in my experience arguments and disagreements don't end well. I always feel responsible for other people's feelings especially in my family when I am pulled into the fights that my family have with each other. I love to help people and I think that's a good trait to have but I know that a lot of the time I help so people won't be mad at me for saying no. I could be doing a million different things, if someone else asks me for help I will say yes. I must confess that this also makes me very angry, because I feel that people take advantage of me. I want to yell and scream but I take it out on myself because I have to be nice.