What The Dismissive Avoidant Needs After An Argument | Dismissive Avoidant Attachment

Expressing your Needs: Scripts for Effective Communication Course:

In this video I'll talk about the dismissive avoidant, and what they need after an argument.

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I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel and thank you for stopping by!

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[sophiafara]

As an AA, I am now painfully aware about the AA-DA dynamic. I am accepting responsibility that I expected many unmet childhood needs to be met through others who struggle with their own core wounds. I no longer want to feel like a victim, so I commit to my own healing journey. The pain has been a great teacher. My goal is self-compassion and compassion for others. We are all worthy of healing.

[Jenshi]

The key is always communicate, and set your boundaries. If anyone, regardless of attachment type, consistently refuses to work, communicate, or ignores your boundaries, it's unhealthy, plain and simple.

[elle]

Wonderful video. But the more work I do, the more I wonder why I even put myself through a DA. I over accommodated a person who refused to make the smallest effort while sitting here overthinking on how to meet their needs. I am going through so much anger at myself for the disrespect I showed myself chasing and coddling the DA. I have no hate in my heart and I believe the DA people of the world deserve love. But this video is just another example of a possible very 1 sided future if I entertain this. Me doing all of this and they can't even keep the promise of saying "I need a little space". Just cruelty, withdrawal, just senseless affliction of emotional pain just for a half assed, non informative "I'm sorry" text at best.

I'm suddenly just.. done. Hello from day 2.5 of no contact.

[fionaheat]

I’m divorcing my DA husband. He was always insensitive, likes to pick fault on me, gave me silent treatment, hot and cold, etc. I was going through a rough time in my personal life, and during a trip out of tiredness I complained abit about my life. He took it as a personal attack. No matter how many times I apologized, he hang up on me and wanted a divorce. He left me alone in a foreign country and bought a ticket home himself the next day. Wtf. He doesn’t give a shit about my feelings, and I have to always be extremely careful taking care of his, no matter how unpleasant he is, I have to hold my anger. Eventually I blew up and I slapped him. He called me “crazy ex-wife”. I’ve never been violent with anyone my whole life. But the extreme sadness, frustration, and anger I experienced was real. I never want to feel that way again. If you are with a DA, no matter how seemingly lovable he/she is, and how noble you are that you want to “heal” them, honestly it’s very one-sided and your needs are hardly met. We all live once on this earth, and we deserve to take care of ourselves instead of devoting all that time getting hurt over and over again trying to “save” a DA.

[deliagorenco]

1.space (sooth themselves)
2.they want to feel understood and heard
(They need to feel like you want to understand them) be gentle
3.respect their physical space
4.willingness to take responsibility for your own part.

[howtosober]

Wow, this is so clarifying. As an FA that was leaning secure before meeting the DA ex, regressed as a result of the relationship, and is now healing by attachment style, I wouldn't deal with a DA again for all the money in the world. Disappearing whenever there's an issue to resolve feels like emotional blackmail. Every time he didn't get his way he held the whole relationship hostage. It was so bad he couldn't even bring himself to show up at my birthday celebration and sulked the whole time. It was just like all my past relationships with narcissists only by a different name, because their various deactivating and protest behaviors feel exactly like the cycle of narcissistic abuse. Furthermore, I understand it's not a DA's fault their emotional bandwidth is smaller, but why would I want to be in a relationship with a person that is literally incapable of relating to me with the same depth of connection? There's no fulfilment possible in that.

[jewelonvacation]

As an anxious preoccupied with a DA partner, I can really agree with you having a need to have verbal validation. Since I ve checked up on in this channel, I told him everything Ive learned regarding the reasons for our attachment style and how best to cope up with it. I asked him once if he could be willing to work with me to both reach the secure attachment style, by slowly changing small attitudes each day especially during arguments, he said yes because he told me that ever since I came to his life, life becomes more wondeful compared to the bad life he was having before me. I dont expect him to be so perfect all the time, I feel great already with little progress no matter how painful sometimes to wait when he needs time. I turn my attention instead to fixing my own core wounds. So when he comes back, im ready as well.

[josmith]

I think DAs are absolutely the most difficult and most toxic people to have a relationship with. Mixed in with the dysfunction is a profound degree of narcissism, self-centeredness, emotional and intimacy starvation, and overall lack of empathy. I say, walk away as soon as possible. Don’t wait until they hook you.

[puritanhippy]

This has really helped me understand why I go mute during stressful times. It is really frustrating to me that it takes me such a long time to know and understand my emotions.

[alexandramaria]

I wouldn't like to be in the skin of a dismissive-avoidant individual. And we have to understand and try to imagine them as babies, how scary it was for them to be all the time with the fight-or-flight response active. However, I would say, and because even secure individuals can have relationships with dismissive avoidants partners, we have to stand up for ourselves and be emotional warriors. Arguments provide the necessary structure for growth and mutual understanding. So if after the first argument they decide to leave, and leave out of blue, let them go, and love yourself.

Have a good day, Thais! :)

[kristidin]

I'm just lying here crying as I realize how desperate I was to be seen and heard. Instead I got left. I spent years trying to be understanding, empathetic and having compassion but the same was not afforded to me. I miss my wife everyday.

[beemovieisok]

I believe if we commit to this journey of self compassion, we can lead by example. Shying away from our inner child, abandoning ourselves, these are things we are the only ones to blame. I see a lot of people here so shocked and mad, frustrated they've wasted their time. I think perhaps this is the best opportunity we've been given to force ourselves heal internally, for real. I'm choosing to see my AA-DA dynamic as a learning experience.

[springpoarch]

I (FA) need hugs after an argument and my DA would look at me as though repulsed by the idea of touching me and would even ask me why I thought he would want to hug me...so painful.

[Revolution-tlwo]

OMG my relationship with my DA ex was absolutely consumed by his needs. All we ever argued about (and by argued, I mean he constantly picked fights about) was *his* needs, *his* boundaries, *his* space, *his* schedule. I gave and gave and gave to that relationship and it was never enough. Then, whenever I tried to assert my own needs and resolve why they weren't getting met, he would hijack the conversation and make that about *his needs* too. There was no room for me at all, and he didn't care. "I, me, my" were his obsession 24/7. Ugh. I'll never get involved with a DA again. It was exhausting, he took from me til I had nothing left to give myself and then blew up the whole relationship and disappeared. I got literally nothing out of it. And of course, he's never bothered to apologize or own up to his shitty behavior. I mean, why would he? *He* got everything he wanted.

[garrettgrimes]

You are a God send young lady! There may be some hope after all. I appreciate your videos immensely. Thank you!

[CB-jxpw]

I'm beginning to think he has narcissistic traits as well, an extreme fear of rejection. Only when I used to put myself down to an extreme extent, he was willing to listen - not interact or talk, but listen. Nothing, nothing ever came from him. Unreal.

[Cavedogpdx]

I'm starting to think my DA boyfriend is more secure than I first thought five months ago. I lean secure but can be easily pushed into being AA or FA depending on the situation. We text every day and he has never needed more than 24 hours to start talking to me after a conflict. I've had to really work hard to set good boundaries and we've had some significant obstacles to overcome learning to trust each other. I'm getting ready to move to his city in 3 weeks which is exciting and scary at the same time.

[charisobservatory]

I have intuitively tried some of these things already and I think they don't work in real life because at least my DA hated talking after a fight altogether. He wasn't persuaded by logically trying to look at the situation to create a better relationship or the idea of being a team. He just wanted to be done with the topic. So I think what is described here is a conversation with sb. who has already started doing the work. Otherwise it's not possible.

[yinnie]

Very accurate..DA female here and I really need space after a fight or argument to process my thoughts and feelings..I also need to step back from the situation and detach from the emotions I’m feeling at the time of the fight/argument in order to not react based on what I’m feeling but to be able to think logically about things.

[gregwriezener]

This seems to happen even after a vulnerable conversation that was by no means an argument.