The Top Challenges In The Fearful Avoidant & Dismissive Avoidant Relationship | Thais Gibson

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The Fearful Avoidant & Dismissive Avoidant Relationship (Webinar Course)

In this video, I talk about the top challenges in the fearful avoidant - dismissive avoidant relationship, and what you can do about them.

If you are either fearful avoidant or dismissive avoidant, how did you deal with these challenges in your relationships?

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I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel, and thank you for stopping by!

This is a channel designed for you, to be used as a resource to create lasting transformation in your personal and professional life. Here you’ll receive an ongoing series of personal development and spiritual growth videos for you to expand your awareness and find resolution and deep understanding within.

Want to transform your life? If I did it, I know you can too!

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#FearfulAvoidant #DismissiveAvoidant #PersonalDevelopmentSchool #PDS #ThaisGibson #AttachmentStyles

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[magdapagan]

thank you soooo much for this!! so much value here...i really needed this today. This is 100% exactly what me and my DA partner are experiencing ❤️

[rosetaylor]

I saw this quote today about this dynamic that hit me in the gut.

One day - I will tell you about the dream I had, where you and I were together and you did not leave, where I was not terrified and you were not numb, where things were the way we wished they could be and not the way they are

Susan Zhao

[kelseycoca]

I think I'm an FA and my partner is a DA, I nearly had a meltdown last night and broke things off last night. I recognized that I was pushing him away bc I felt like I was too vulnerable in our dynamic and he was starting to clam up and wasn't being vulnerable, too. I communicated that to him and we shared some really sweet, vulnerable moments. I'm really glad that I pushed through the fears and communicated instead of just leaving like I always do. it was really, really rewarding and I think if we keep at it, it could be a really beautiful, healing thing for both of us, but boy, does it terrify me. I think it scares him, too, but recognizing and understanding eachother's styles has made such a difference. I owe a lot to you, Thais.

[vernonsdiamond]

I am fearful avoidant and have times where I'm triggered and struggling with negative thoughts and trauma related stuff. What I've noticed is if I just say that in a simple way to my DA boyfriend and then ask him exact simple things to do like, turn the telly down or give me a few mins to myself, then we don't end up in a fight.

If I don't say anything and just expect him to support me or guess that I'm feeling bad and adjust his behaviour we end up in a fight. Often DA ppl need to be told little ways they can be supportive because usually the reason they ended up DA is because unsupportive ppl raised them.

[TiffanyNicholeCatley]

Spot on! I FA am engaged to my DA partner and through some therapy in addition to both our willingness to have a successful relationship together, we're overcoming alot of these obstacles. Everything does seem quite threatening until you get the understanding and tools to overcome your individual struggles. We're at the stage of putting things discussed into practice when those old wounds come up.

Learning better self-regulation on my end has been huge. My partner learning to share his mental processes and expressing himself overall more fully has caused a big shift as well.

[Revolution-tlwo]

The biggest challenge for *any* attachment style with a DA (even secure) is that that it's their way or the highway, and if you don't give them their way all they time they'll just leave you and never look back. They might hang out in the relationship for awhile with one foot out the door, being completely passive aggressive the whole time, then wait for you to confront them on it and use it as their reason to leave so they can blame you for ruining the relationship. DAs never take accountability for anything and they act like you're out to get them no matter what you do. It's an impossibility to be in a fulfilling partnership with any DA that hasn't already healed themselves. Don't bother.

[kenwalter]

My wife actually found your videos and all I can say is WOW! I now realize I’m a DA and my wife is an FA and everything you said about our attachment styles is on point! I think this will be a great tool for us to help each other understand how to have productive and meaningful interactions. Thank you so much!

[ShimmerSoulSong]

On the flip side when my dear DA would meet my needs and express they wanted to connect and talk and meet needs, then I felt so much more spacious to say Yes go enjoy your day with other friends. I encouraged her regularly to connect with other people she could relate with in ways I couldn't. But at the time she didn't want to check out the groups and people, and found her own way and that is wonderful too.

[yeonsollee]

im FA and when i ask for words of assurance during a conflict, my DA, instead of just giving it will say “u shouldn’t need that” and then conflict becomes even worse

[disappearingink]

This accurately described my last relationship, so much love there but the fear on both sides won out. And please don't apologize for the lighting/setup! Just happy everyone is safe. And appreciative of your dedication to sharing these insights.

[NR-vqng]

True..am a FA and my husband is a DA..the relationship was too much of a struggle.We ended up divorcing.

[lifecoachingtoronto]

I believe another example of an FA pushing someone away is by criticizing them to other people or on social media. I believe it's basically the feeling of hurt they don't know how to handle so they try to throw it at the other person. What do you think?

[HeyitsJade]

So true as an FA working super hard to be secure . The lack of transparency definitely triggers my betrayal wounds plus my DA has actually literally betrayed me before so there’s so much work on my end. The DA also won’t formally commit so that’s tough too

[ShimmerSoulSong]

People really need risk being vulnerable, be transparent and communicate, specifically naming feelings and needs. I have realized and worked on so much from your teachings. I feel like if both people are accountable for their part and lean in with willingness to try on these tools, people who are self reflective and own their stuff and put in effort, things can transform. If there's alot of goodness and some areas of unhealthy dynamic, those areas need to be tended by both people involved. Thank you so much for being in depth and thorough AND for giving script examples to try on. Understanding where the other is coming from is so important. So is acknowledging when one party does hurtful things and expressing empathy.

[RachelMintz]

You have literally changed my life Thais. I’m not going to lie I do get some anxiety as an FA w a DA because this all hits so close to home. I just love how you always promote the positive and how to heal this dynamic. I’m excited to watch this video again w my DA! Haha force him to watch 😂

[lisacohen]

I’m a working hard FA who was in a wonderful relationship with a DA, he left back to the USA just before the pandemic .. borders closed and I became unknowingly very FA.. and would not let him in .. I was petrified by the border closure and sabotaged our relationship.. I was fearing abandonment, trust, safety and this on for 2 years .. fast forward to now .. in April I apologized for my anger n fear and told him I was always in love with him .. in, I guess, his DA style he has forgiven me but has not communicated in months.. ironically he has introduced me to wonderful PDS and lovely Thias .. you have changed my life .. I no longer feel guilty as I now understand why I was not able to communicate.. I just wish I would have had all this knowledge 2 years earlier. thank you ♥️

[spikygreen]

Regarding the first issue (the FA personalizing the DA's independence): so true! I think it's not even about who wants to spend more time together (my DA probably wants to spend more time together than I do, because time is in such short supply for me at the moment). I think this part really has to do with us FAs equating love with being needed. If someone doesn't need us, doesn't rely on us in a codependent way, it just doesn't feel safe at all. How can I know they won't leave me when I need them the most (like if there is some horrific emergency sometime in the future.. or even just being helpless as a result of an illness or childbirth)? If they don't have the programming of "we are responsible for each other to the n-th degree"... With codependent people, it feels a bit safer, because (a) they can't walk away even if they want to, since they need us, and (b) when someone feels responsible for another person's feelings and well-being, they will feel too guilty to just abandon their loved one in tough circumstances or do the bare minimum.

This part is very hard for me to understand. How do others feel safe around this? I know Thais recommends building up self-trust and self-reliance to feel safer around it, but what about situations in which you really can't rely on yourself? Don't we all face those situations eventually (unless one goes and gets euthanized at the first sign of trouble)...

I guess maybe there could be people who'd be there for you even if they didn't feel responsible for your feelings? Just being there for you in tough times as part of their own morals and values, maybe.. I just have to meet those people, maybe?

I think this is also a huge part of why we FAs struggle with setting boundaries and get triggered by others' boundaries. Sacrificing one's boundaries even in small ways that have nothing to do with survival in the moment is like a way of signaling for the future that if there is ever anything really tough happening, we'll be there for you 100%.

[liezelpretorius]

Wow, she just described my whole dating life as an FA! She is soooo good

[creativesolutionsandart]

This one was really good… Each time I watch these I get a little bit of a crack in the shell I have worked so hard to construct. It feels scary. But I need to know that it is safe. Sound so silly to say out loud, because nothing in my Life is dangerous anymore. There’s nothing anyone can take from me… I think… Lol she? A little piece of the defense mechanism showing through… Anyway, I apply this dynamic you speak of today to my family/sibling situation that I’m trying to heal. Thank you so very very very much. I haven’t quite got the courage to share your videos with her yet, I sent a link to the attachment style questionnaire/quiz and haven’t heard back about it or if she even looked at it. In fact, ever since I sent it, our communication has disintegrated somewhat… But I will keep trying.

[kmac]

Worse case scenario indeed .. the dismissive traits favorite go tos are often triggering and wounding to the fas -- ironically. though, dismissive leaning individuals once in the relationship seem to become deaf dumb and blind to fas becoming ' dismissive ' or the fact that they ( the dismissive partner ) was once more open communicative giving etc ( fa like ) and need to be transparent and reciprocal to maintain the stability of their fa partner