Dating an Anxious Attachment Style: What to Know/Do

I post every other day, and you'll find some completely new content there :)

Thank you for watching!

[danielareyescovers]

Thank you so much for this! My boyfriend has an anxious attachment style and I want to be the best girlfriend I could be for him. I want him to know he is loved.♥️

[sshuteandrew]

Yes, I can totally relate to the disconnect causing anxiety. Distance and space trigger anxiety. Letting go is hard.

[nckncknck]

As an anxious attached person watching this video, i must say: damn. You nailed it.

[manuelhernandez-hlfc]

I am an avoidant person and I am in a relationship with an anxious person. This helps me understand better my partner.

[TLcarlotta]

Every point is so accurate. I would torture myself thinking about why i act this way, why I’m sooo hurt, why do i need so much when it doesn’t really make sense. Im just super scared to be alone.

[audiomanmik]

This helps me understand so many of my ex's actions. Some of her actions made me feel so uncomfortable; it felt like she didn't respect my boundaries. Anytime I ask for some time to think or say I'm not yet ready to discuss something, she's would force the conversation. Whenever she travelled for work, she would accuse me of leaving her. She is the love of my life; I just didn't know how to be the right partner for her. I feel really bad because I now understand how much she was hurting. It breaks my heart to know a few videos, and some reading could've shown me how to be a better partner to her... I wish I knew of attachment style, while we were together. I miss her every day, but I'm scared I'll hurt her because of my attachment style. I really love her with all my heart, but wish I knew how to make her know this sooner

[MrKeegZyl]

Do any of my fellow anxious style feel like our attachment style is A LOT of effort? 😂 Like I know we have good points and it’s all on a continuum as is everything, but damn! No wonder we struggle with relationships we are a lot of work 😂

[Melkie]

These things are so subconscious. It's hard to overcome what is essentially hidden.

[sshuteandrew]

I appreciate how you describe each attachment style in a realistic and more positive light- coming from a place of unmet needs and insecurities opposed to having negative and neglectful or abusive traits. Your way of communicating greatly increases understanding and empathy rather than harsh judgment for each attachment style. 💗

I almost feel safe enough to share with my avoidant ex. Almost! :)

[PsychedPerspective]

Yup. I’m over it. I give and give, and receive nothing in return or it isn’t even matched.

I’m in therapy learning about healthy boundaries and how to say NO!

[Paul-tqtn]

I only started investigating "attachment style" when I had (what I now know) was an Avoidant GF. That almost drove me to madness. It took me over a year to start feeling normal again after she dumped me. During the discovered my own attachment style which I believe is this one. I have siblings but I was the youngest by 7 years and spent most of my time on my own. My parents both worked full time and I found it hard to make friends. I was a bit awkward growing up. Didnt have present role models and struggled with trying to figure out life by myself. A sister passed when she was 21. I was 14. Thank you for helping me understand more about myself. Its given me the direction to explore more about how to be a more functional human being.

[AshikSatheesh]

Summary Notes, by Timecode

0:41
Anxious attachment style develops in childhood when there are deep inconsistencies in their emotional needs being met.

0:52
The inconsistency can be one parent who is loving and connecting while the other seems cold, not loving or caring. This can create uncertainty and fear of rejection (to a young child), creating a sort of neediness in them.

1:23
Another way that creates Anxious Attachment during early developmental years is when there is an issue in the family.

Both parents might have been very loving, but then a death happens and it causes the parents to emotionally withdraw. They might be going through their grieving processes and become unable to give their love as they used to.

1:39
It can also happen when both parents are loving but are working most of the time. The child is left alone for long periods of time, creating a feeling of abandonment.

1:56
This seems like emotional rejection to the child and creates a deep fear of disconnect.

2:06
The core wound then is the feeling of being unloved.

2:22
How this manifests in adults is that this individual is so afraid of re-living that pain that they want to avoid any potential for rejection and abandonment. This makes them cling on, manipulate or control (Control what? The relationship, the other person? The other person it seems).

2:36
They need to learn to self-soothe. They need to learn that they are responsible for meeting their own needs.

2:55
Ideally you want to meet your own needs, and be feel comfortable and safe in asking others to meet your needs.

To be able to effectively communicate your needs and emotions to others you first need to have a through and deep understanding of them.

3:38
People with an Anxious Attachment style believe that if they sacrificed enough eventually the other person will love them back, or start meeting their needs the way that they want.

3:51
Usually the exact opposite happens. The more we sacrifice our own needs, the more we push people away.

This is because when we sacrifice meeting our own needs, we get frustrated, and resentful. These ill feelings will get projected onto the other person, that is to say we feel that the reason we are feeling resentful is because of the other person. We then eventually push that person away believing they are the reason for the pain.

4:33
People with this attachment style will try to get closer and stay connected with the other person.

They tend to be clingy even when it might be inappropriate, such as when the person they are dating isn't interested in them, or when they are in the very early stages of dating, or when somebody needs space in a relationship.

4:40
They come up with excuses, justifications and reasons to try to get closer and stay connected. These attempts are called as activating strategies.

Activating strategies come in a variety of forms and they are usually not aware they are doing this.

5:13
They come up with justifications for not hearing what people are communicating, in order to try to avoid the pain of abandonment and rejection, to avoid feeling unloved.

5:56
Sometime Anxious Attachment style people can try to control their partner's time outside of the relationship (controlling and manipulating part). They might not want you to have friendships or be close to your family.

This is because they subconsciously fear that each of these people could pose a threat to your bond. They are not consciously, or intentionally trying to manipulate you, but subconsciously trying to avoid feeling pain.

6:57
The partner of an AA can feel like they are pulled between different people, or feel restricted on what they can spend their time doing.

7:12
Within people having an Anxious Attachment style, there can be a spectrum. This can vary from people having high-levels of anxious attachment characteristics, down to people with just these traits and tendencies. Some can have enough conscious awareness of how they are showing up and be able to see that the partner needs space.

7:41
AA individuals are often not good at self soothing.

7:48
An AA child did not learn to disconnect from their parents to meet their own needs. They kept waiting and hoping for their parents to come back home and meet their needs, as opposed to developing a sense of self and autonomy early enough to meet their own needs or seek fulfillment elsewhere.

8:11
An adult AA has a hard time ending a fight. If their partner pulls away in a fight, they tend to follow the partner around.

8:39
An AA in a fight might not give space and try to fix it now, because they are so afraid of the disconnect.

8:46
They hunger for emotional bond and so any perceived threat to that becomes unbearable.

8:59
An AA might find themselves challenged when waiting for text messages. They will be afraid that something bad happened to their partner. They fear for the other person's safety.

Anything with a potential for a disconnect, loss, emotional abandonment or feeling unloved, will challenge them.

9:34
Sometimes we have to meet our own needs, sometimes people just can't be available to us, sometimes we have to let somebody else meet their needs.

9:43
An AA believes that consistently disowning themselves will lead to harmony. They believe that the other other people will do the same (disown themselves) back for them.

9:57
For an AA to heal, they need to learn to
- connect to their own emotions and needs
- meet their needs themselves

10:07
An AA often feels unheard. They will then go into elaborate recreations of their stories, their feelings, how they were hurt.

Most of the times the other person feels like getting blamed about everything they did wrong.

10:29
When you hear an AA blaming, it is just them trying to have their feelings validated. They are trying to feel connected and understood.

10:48
But it doesn't work. This is because since childhood when you were getting blamed, it was usually followed by punishment or shaming. The natural reaction of any human being thus is to shut down, protect and defend themselves. You disconnect.

This leaves the AA attachment style individual, who was blaming hoping to be heard, to be left further unheard. They will then try to speak up with even more elaborate details, following a subconscious strategy to feel connected again.

11:26
If you are an AA finding yourself feeling hurt or unheard, then the most effective thing you can do is to start expressing your feelings and needs.

Expressing your needs can look like, "Hey, I feel hurt when this happens and this is what I need instead." Be really clear and specific of your feelings and needs when you tell the other person.

Also ask for validation. This can look like, "Does that make sense to you? Can you see how I would feel that way?"

11:42
If you are with an AA style individual, encourage them to speak of their needs and feelings.

This can look like, "Hey, instead of this huge story why don't you tell me specifically what you are emotionally experiencing? I can then understand where you are coming from, and what your experiences are... Tell me specifically what do you need? I can then assess if I can give you this, how I can give this, how can we can make an exchange, meeting each other's needs better."

12:15
If you are an AA and you do not want the other person to feel like you are blaming, then speak of your emotional experiences and what you need. Speak from that vulnerability.

This takes the feeling of blame out of what you are saying and opens a path for clear communication.

12:43
Often an AA will harbor resentment. This is because they tend to be perpetual over givers, disowning themselves and their needs.

13:04
AA's are afraid to communicate their needs. They fear that their needs will be rejected and they will have to re-live that pain.

13:16
They might be good at telling elaborate stories, expressing their emotions. But after telling that story they struggle to express what they need.

Expressing their feelings and need might look like, "Hey, I felt hurt yesterday about this experience. I know you didn't intend for it but that was the way I took it. Can you see why I would feel that way? Next time can you try to do this?"

If you are an AA follow the story with, "and I need this", or "Hey, can you do this?"

14:08
The core triggers of an AA
- Rejection
- Especially anything that feels like being rejected emotionally
- Disconnection
- with time (eg, when the other person is taking too much space)
- space (eg, travelling often)
- energy (eg, imbalance when one is over giving and doing while the other isn't)
- Coldness or Withdrawing
- this might even lead to fights, just so that the AA can feel the connection

15:24
Needs of an AA
- Emotional Intimacy, a bond that feels secure
- Attention, presence, validation, adoration
- being adored makes them feel loved, you need them, you are not going to leave them. This makes them feel safe. This balances their fear of being unloved.
- Want to understand your feelings, and is good at hearing you.

16:39
If you are a partner to an AA, make sure to express your needs.

If your need is something that might trigger an AA (say you need more space), say "Hey, you are amazing. I adore you. This is a great relationship. But sometimes I need a little bit of space as well, because I have a different set of needs. Sometimes I need x, y and z."

Follow that up again with positivity and validation.

Doing so you can express clearly and get understood. An AA will then hold great space for wanting to meet your needs.

17:37
The best way a partner to an AA can get their needs met is by sandwiching their needs between assurances of certainty about the relationship and validation that they are loved and connected.

This will help you express your needs and get them met, while not triggering their core wounds.

[kathryn]

I'm so lucky to have a securely attached partner, I think I'd be so much more emotionally wrecked with any other attachment styles, as an anxious one. I really want to work on this because it isn't fair to constantly be crying about the smallest inconsistencies in the love I receive. Hopefully I can heal.

[irenelynette]

I do not have a concern about my partner having outside relationships. I do have a problem with self-soothing. It creates anxiety in me when my partner disengages with me or disconnects from me.

[josephineh]

I have been struggled to find out the root cause of my insecurity in relationship. Today I FOUND IT. I'd be imagining things and anxious when my boyfriend doesn't text me for one day or suspect that he lost interest when he doesn't call as often. Your video helps me understand myself a bit better now. Thank you!

[moliehimafantiri]

This has been so helpful. I'm binge watching your attachment style videos and trying to heal my anxious-preoccupied attachment style. Great work!

[Nolz_Lately]

I'm an anxious attachment transitioning to secure... Inner work is necessary... I learnt that being anxious preoccupied wasn't just unpleasant for my partner or the other person BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY FOR ME, THE ONE FILLED WITH ALL THIS ANXIETY WAITING TO BE TRIGGERED.

I'm aware that it's gonna be a process and journey, but it's worth it.

I'm with an anxious attachment style now and it's very telling, it's like looking in the mirror because I'm getting to see how I been acting in all my previous relationships.


Wow this stuff is crazy...

[elle]

It is not possible to not fear abandonment when being with someone who actually abandons you. Not when you were even clinging. When they come to you and cuddle you and tell you that you make them so happy then drop you out of no where. Then breadcrumb you a few days later even at the hospital. When you overcommunicate as gentle as possible without asking for too much or even an apology. That is abandonment. They know they do it. Laughing with friends and having a blast. This isn't an unfounded fear. As an AA I'm already hyperaware that I might not be enough and so I overaccomodate even with space. None of that protected me from this abandonment. I don't think anyone will ever love me like I love anyone. And I will do the work but I'm not doing relationships anymore.

[goldielox]

I wish the quality of this video was better because it's really good.

[theblackdaria_]

*starts explaining triggers*
wow, she is reading me for filth.