Dating strategy for people with an anxious attachment

[sisonkeink.]

All for this message, falling in love with someone's treatment and character, not just the butterflys they give you.

[XoxoMS]

This is true. I had struggled with relationships with a certain toxic type, and realized I was drawn to them because of some childhood wounds. Did a little inner work, and decided next time around I should be cautious if I’m immediately intensely attracted to someone, and it might be a good idea to switch it up/do the opposite/try something else 🤔 . I went on a date with someone cool, but figured he might be a boring “nice guy”… he was consistently asking me for additional dates and I went along with it maybe for the sake of experiment…Then got to know him better, turned out he’s quite amazing: thoughtful, consistent, funny and likeminded with good values, but unusually humble and secure, so not all in-your-face charmy /fake confident/attention seeking like most of the guys I was attracted to… he may be a bit more reserved (which I realize now that I really like) and still happens to be kind and a true gentleman, but also still kindly assertive and direct when necessary… had I not gotten to know him better, I might have dismissed him as a people pleasing “nice guy” who I assumed I didn’t have any “sparks” with (I know now the “sparks” you quickly feel with some ppl should be a red flag). We’re very happy, things are easy, enjoying the unfolding process and really getting to know each other., and things feel oddly safe and there’s no drama just mutual respect. I feel like I’m learning something new and surprising about him all the time (in a GOOD way for a change) and also gaining a lot of appreciation for humble/consistent/truly caring men and finding I’m way more attracted to these kind of characteristics (that were lacking in past relationships) than any of those superficial “exciting” vibes I immediately got from others. I’m surprised by this whole situation, glad I gave this a shot instead of just going on immediate “chemistry.” I feel so fortunate for this eye-opening experience, I’ll never go back to my old ways. For real, try this out! ❤

[katepopovic]

This is true. I am currently in a relationship with someone I would never go for before, but I am slowly falling in love and it is very different and so much better than any other of my previous relationships. Good advice

[Damngoodcoffee_n_cherrypie]

"...and you are not going to be so attracted to them, maybe they will bore you." LOL you're so real telling it like it is. Great stuff!

[aliinmpls]

The reason anxiously attached people go for avoidants is because we have learned to equate drama/emotional rollercoasters with passion or love, and there's also more of them in the dating pool because securely attached people and anxiously attached people are more likely to be in relationships. I first thought my now husband (secure) was boring or that we had no chemistry/passion because we never fought.

[piyupayal]

This lady is really speaking truth. It's a slow process to trust someone and finally be comfortable enough with them to share a genuine connection.

[sdd]

I am dating a lady like this right now. She was exactly that, a slow burn that I thought would go no where. But there is a connection building. I also very distinctly notice, none of me "attachments" are being triggered with her

[Vivi-cdgs]

You just described how I found the love of my life! He is amazing and makes me feel 100% secure, everything a woman could ask for. I am unfortunately still attracted to those unavailable types but on my way to healing it, or at least staying the hell away from them <3

[alexdamaceno]

Best dating advice I’ve seen here in your channel. Shorts are great, straight to the point, but a lot of it is just not that simple. Please, keep this longer videos coming! Congrats from Brazil!

[anjalouis]

'Shut up...' 🤣 Just what I needed to hear. Thanxxx!

[DianaBelovaYT]

Absolutely on point, I can confirm it.
Another idea to keep in mind: try to not go for people you have a 10/10 chemistry with - it’s a road to a toxic relationship. Instead, choose someone about 7/10. Much more chances for a long-term relationship!

[ladyofspa]

Try compatibility as priority & character and back into chemistry connection to committment. You must find them interesting and admire the attraction will grow.
Still work on building self love healing childhood blocks.

[Dusankk]

Wonderful Francesca, you never fail to amaze me. Your advices are a real asset. You hit the point sharp and clear. Its obvious that you have a real talent for psychology and the complexity of the psyche.

[aYTaccount]

This is SO true... I finally happened to date a person with anxious attachment (being anxious myself) and it was the happiest and most secure I had ever been...., but where it went down was when I *actually* became avoidant, just like you mentioned... And couldn't come to offer the same affection unless this person pulled back even slightly:(

it's sad because I do recognize the need to actually be happy with that and really appreciate it but my natural responses shut me off involuntarily.. It's such a conflicting state to be in..


Although the person himself suffered from autism (possibly, as claimed) so I guess being with a secure person would be more beneficial otherwise you don't have the solid support ground for when you're shaky...

... And obviously before all this does come taking charge of yourself and start the healing process so you're actually attracted to and reciprocate well, to the people who are actually nice...and not what our traumas trick us into being attracted to..

[malwaysfine]

The distraction beauty is back!!!
On advice and message: True to the core. And being affectionate is what people miss "recognizing" in dates or meetings.

[ladyofspa]

This dating strategy works also if you are often finding yourself just unlucky in love or falling for wrong person.
It would Be amazing if discussed how we over function with people that we really are attracted to especially when we dont prioririze or ignored ourselves. Thats why this strategy can work.

[cutiepiebanana]

This WORKS! I am currently in a relationship with a person that's usually not the type I go for. I felt very comfortable and safe around him unlike the ones I usually match with on dating apps. Super thankful with the advice~

[SandyCheeks]

Francesca always gets right to the point with good advice. She has inherent wisdom

[akj]

I had an anxious attachment style. Then I turned to an avoidant

[theprinceofcrows]

Ironically I did just this and ended up with a highly toxic psychopathic deep narcissist that used social media to study me and played the role just long enough to get me caught in a complicated relationship that took years to get out of. The biggest mistake I ever made in my entire life hands down but I wouldn't say that it is a bad strategy or anything. I just found it ironic that this is how I tried to make things happen and this ended up being a nightmare like out of a movie or something.

She wasn't my normal type at all, almost boring in some ways, seemed super normal and together, a home body, and sounded like she was a perfect fit for what I wanted at the time due to studying me online and finding out how I am as a person. I have never met a more predatorial person or someone who was such a bad liar about everything and anything. The only real red flag in the beginning was her mother was a frickin absolute nut and they had a crazy super unhealthy relationship. So I ended up a year into the relationship and heavily invested before it became clear things were a complete trainwreck and nothing was as advertised. I consider it was mostly chance and due to my situation at the time but I would try the strategy again because I don't think the strategy was necessarily wrong. I haven't wanted a relationship since that one ended but I think I am about ready to try again after years of just enjoying things as they come and not getting serious with anyone.