How Abandonment and BPD Destroy Relationships

Trust issues are a significant challenge for people with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), often leading to relationship problems. People with BPD may misinterpret their partner's actions as signs of rejection, experience intense fear of abandonment, and engage in black-and-white thinking, where a partner is seen as either entirely good or bad. This can result in hypersensitivity to emotional cues, constant need for reassurance, excessive jealousy, and frequent arguments. However, there is hope. Open communication, therapy, and the right tools can help individuals with BPD build secure and fulfilling relationships. Seeking professional help and celebrating small victories can empower those with BPD to overcome their trust issues and create stronger connections.

Daniel J. Fox, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Texas, international speaker, and a multi-award-winning author. He has been specializing in the treatment and assessment of individuals with personality disorders for over 20 years in the state and federal prison system, universities, and in private practice. His specialty areas include personality disorders, ethics, burnout prevention, and emotional intelligence.

He has published several articles and books in these areas and is the author of:

Complex Borderline Personality Disorder: How Coexisting Conditions Affect Your BPD and How You Can Gain Emotional Balance. Available at:

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00:00 Introduction
00:23 Perceptions and Misconceptions in Relationships
04:51 Contributing Factor: Misinterpreting Actions
06:16 Contributing Factor: Splitting or Black and White Thinking
08:12 Contributing Factor: Emotional Vulnerability
10:40 Contributing Factor: Needing Reassurance All the Time
12:06 Contributing Factor: Jealousy on Hyperdrive
15:07 Contributing Factor: Non-Stop Fights
17:22 Helpful Tool: Hope and Empowerment
18:45 Helpful Tool: Focus on Progress
20:02 Helpful Tool: Open Communication
21:28 Helpful Tool: Seek Help

[katieg]

Being able to reassure yourself that you will be okay whether or not you are abandoned is some seriously powerful stuff. It won't be the first thing you think when you're lost in your abandonment feelings, but if you can talk yourself down eventually it's like an amazing revelation every time. When you're a kid, being abandoned is an unsolvable nightmare and we carry that with us. As an adult, we have an answer that we didn't used to have. We exist and are whole regardless of our stance in any relationship.

[ArtsyMinx]

I’ve never felt more understood in my life than listening to this right now.

[tee.x]

The only doctor who doesnt point fingers and treat us like we are a problem or something deviant in society! Super non judgey 😊❤

[zachalexander]

I have BPD as many of the watchers of your videos do; and I legitimately can't express my appreciation enough for you posting these videos to be free and accessible. You are very life changing Dr Fox

[Grelotmystiqueetal]

Thank you so much Dr Fox for this.
At 53 years old, my BPD was quite quiescent, as long as I choose to remain single.
Now, I just met a wonderful man, and the shear anxiety of the fear of rejection is overwhelming.

My behavior towards him is okay; I have not been accusatory, etc.

But the emotions inside me; sometimes I am so sad, so afraid to make a mistake and make him go away.

He is kind, attentive, funny, caring.

In the past I used to become physical quickly so as to ‘get ‘ the guy.

Now we are taking out time and it is the way I wish it to be. But I feel like I am in a foreign country with no manual of instructions.

I am afraid to lose this beautiful, budding relationship.

[AJFox-cvkb]

Dr. Fox i cant thank you enough. You have so much knowledge on BPD and its saving my relationship! I cant afford therapy so putting this out for free is amazing!

[ccboom]

The self sabotage is so horrible. Always looking for a fight for absolutely no reason. When happiness happens, it’s scary bc I know I’m going to start getting anxious that there’s something wrong… thank you for this. You’re helping me realize that I may have been misdiagnosed with BP2. But my therapist doesn’t want to focus on it anyway. And the family in the head, wow. That makes so much sense. I know I read into everything despite having no proof that there’s any problem. Then if I prod and ask for an explanation, asking if they’re angry at me, I am afraid that they’re hiding something, even if they’re really not.

I’m sending all these relevant videos to my husband. I really think it could help him understand my plight. You’re doing a very good service for us suffering.

In the words of Billy Joel: “Eager to please, ready to fight, why do I go to extremes?” It might be about BP but I can relate it to BPD as well. It’s spot on.

[paperplane]

Informative video! Thanks from someone who has spent 5 years in a relationship with a gf w/BPD. I never know who she is going to be from day to day. BPD appears to be a disorder that is extremely grounded on social dynamics and what other people are doing...an external locus of control...sorta at the mercy of all things external. That's a tough way to live.

[d_a]

I wish you had dropped this yesterday, it would have calmed the impulsivity. I am in therapy, do mindfulness work, have a stable career, have a strong support system but I still struggle with my romantic relationships. I ruined a good thing going for myself; this person was kind, stable and emotionally mature. Not perfect, but a healthy person nonetheless. I'm sad and upset with myself because I do know better. Anyways, thank you for all that you do, I follow your work and I am very thankful for your commitment to educating the public.

[sibun_is_raven]

I was diagnosed with BPD in 2019, and since then I had tried to take suicide attempts multiple times. I was hospitalised once (because of wrong medication, the doctor prescribed meds of Bipolar Disorder).
Being from a country, where mental health issues are still a taboo and getting therapy is severely expensive- I have been seeking knowledge about BPD from open sources and a few Instagram communities. For the first time I came to know about this Splitting, Self-Sabotaging, Living in Constant Fear of Abandonment and I knew I wasn’t alone.
A few years back, I came to find your YouTube channel, and it felt like a life-support to a dying drowning person. I remember watching your videos endless times and crying my heart out, because it feels unreal when I am not the one- talking frenzy about these problems, It's coming from an external voice and which is not in my head.
I have come to a point, where I have lost almost all my connections with people I cared and loved. And a very precious few remain. But the voice in my head would still not stop.
It would still keep telling me, they don't like you. Everyone is interested to know you out of pity. (I know It's not true, I do have my beautiful sides) but how to stop the voice inside your brain?
If it keeps saying a lie for 69844884488th time a day. You subconsciously start to believe it. And it feels so helpless when that voice takes control over me, and ruins my relationships. It's like you are a prisoner, and a monster who looks and sounds exactly like you- goes out and sabotages all your precious connections. It feels helpless.
And then it feeds me an ideal situation - where it tells, " in a perfect scenario, your love / friend/ family would not make you go through this. Wait for the perfect one."
It is a very Sysiphus like journey, and thanks for reading the long message. I can still cop up with it because of videos like this. It reassures my suffering soul that - It's okay, you are not crazy. And and and....there might be hope.

[miller]

I dated a guy with this and he was the sweetest most empathetic person who would go paranoid and super delusionally paranoid. Communication before feelings would help. They end up with PTSD. And they come off as narcissistic during their rages. What you won’t see with a narcissist in feelings and reflection and creativity you’ll see in the bpd. No one understands them and they’re scared to come out and be understood .. when they do they feel intense rejection. Peopel are mean so validating them is important but they do not trust the nicest people.

[Dmariebella]

Why every time I watch these videos they make me cry? It really hits a nerve.

I have been trying and trying to fix the problem with my husband but he constantly ignores me. He sits there and avoids me, makes out he's not listening to me which in return makes me think that I need to pack my bags and get out of here. My head is constantly packing it's bags and preparing to leave. I was diagnosed with BPD. I do test my husband, I do all the things that you mentioned and everything he does sets me off.

[loziex]

I teared up several times watching this. I've been in many relationships and suffered from these exact repetitive arguments, thoughts and behaviours. The difference this time, is I'm now with an abusive partner who has anger issues and is extremely egocentric. This time it's not in my BPD head as I'm 34 and have been in several other relationships with stable/stoic people, and I know when the problem is me. I always forgive him because I'm weak, crave breadcrumbs of his love, and I semi-understand his unstable emotions. His irritability and anger is written all over his face, I've never seen someone's eyes change shape and colour so drastically based on mood, its frightening

[pinytenis]

dude i wondered why i llove the chaos its so much easier to know how the feelings of a persons intentions in the chaos

[thislittleweirdgirl]

I came out of a 14 year relationship with someone who likely had BPD and I left with a lot of trauma from these exact things. It’s not only the person with BPD that needs treatment. Anyone who stays close to them also needs to be in therapy.

[thereisnoninadria]

My mom has bpd and has strong narcissistic traits. I feel a lot of these things- fear of abandonment or rejection, keeping my guard up almost always, wondering when the next bout of chaos will happen. She was the instigator of chaos in huge, traumatic ways while I was growing up. I stopped contact with her 4 years ago because she is so exploitative and domineering. Even now it takes a lot of effort to relax.

[BooskeyRt]

Notes to self:

Emotional Vulnerability ~9:00 explains a lot for me about December 24th, 2024 and recent times with it being hard to explain why its hard to be emotionally vulnerable compared to earlier in our relationship. This video is already amazing

[mystrose]

Thank you for this. I've been with my partner for 15yrs this month, but it's been pretty rocky. Just little things make me think he is going to leave, but he never does. I don't know why, I'm not very nice sometimes. I'm glad he has researched bpd and understands why I think and do things like accuse him of cheating or rejecting me. I wish I was better at being a partner. I hope I can take your video and keep practicing.

[cannonballbriefs]

I'm legit bawling my eyes out watching this. This honestly saved my life today.

[Bitzybobzy]

Knowing that others think the way of splitting and devaluing anything good you do really helps to hear.its nice to know I am not alone even though I wouldn't wish bpd on anyone