Learn Control: Don't Let Rage Ruin Your Life

All people experience anger, but those with BPD and BPD traits have specific triggers that can set them off into an anger or rage episode. Knowing these triggers can help you learn to identify and control your anger and rage.

Anger or rage is likely to be seen from those with BPD when they feel like a failure, feel neglected, alone, rejected, or abandoned. Once triggered, the individual with BPD tends to wonder whether the caregiver, or love object or favorite person, cares and gives enough.

Once the individual with BPD experiences a rage episode panic typically follows in an often reckless execution (anger behaviors or gestures towards or others of themselves) to get the love object to provide the much wanted and needed affection and nurturance.

What tends to happen is that the love object may become frightened, angry themselves, anxious, or a whole host of other emotions that causes further distance out of fear that they need to protect themselves. When this occurs, the individual with BPD feels more alone but continues to engage in the anger/rage episode trying to get an external force to provide the needed control – inpatient placement may be needed. This regretfully becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy often seen in BPD.

Remember, knowledge is power and understanding your anger and rage and how it fits with your BPD can help you identify triggers, emotional buttons, and the type of anger you have to then learn and use anger reduction techniques to help get control over your BPD, your anger, and your life.

Daniel J. Fox, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Texas, international speaker, and award winning author. He has been specializing in the treatment and assessment of individuals with personality disorders for over 15 years in the state and federal prison system, universities, and in private practice. His specialty areas include personality disorders, ethics, burnout prevention, and emotional intelligence.

He has published several articles in these areas and is the author of:

Thank you for your attention and I hope you enjoy my videos and find them helpful and subscribe. I always welcome topic suggestions and comments.

Citation:
Berenson, et al. (2011). The Rejection-Rage Contingency in Borderline Personality Disorder. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 120: 681-690.

[trudytru]

I find after a rage i get very upset about my behaviour feel utter shame and a need to be punished so then triggeres self halm with guilt

[MW]

My main trigger is bullying and when I feel disregarded or made to feel unimportant/ not heard.

[savage_karma]

One of my biggest triggers is when nothing goes smoothly. And nothing in my life ever goes smoothly. Or when I'm having a freak out and everyone just stand there looking at me instead of helping me look for what I'm trying to find.

[spokyfae]

Anyone else also have adhd and is scrolling in the comments, while he's talking, so you have to keep restarting? 😂😭😭

[angelap]

My rage triggers is usually not being listen to. Too often people just talk over each other and disregard what others say. It’s really disrespectful

[denisethegood]

At age 42, I’ve noticed that my rage explosions mostly come from this feeling of ‘but what about me? Can’t you see I need attention?’ when I’m having a hard time in life but also try my best to act ‘normal’ so obviously the outer world has no clue but then I rage about why they don’t see my silent suffering. Another reason is how people will act when they are around others - they’ll turn into different beings, often a better happier versions of themselves, and seeing that can be a trigger for me too. No matter how much I remind myself that I do the exact same time like everyone else, if really gets to me.

[namegaurd]

When I get angry I have an overwhelming urge to destroy anything or anyone in my sight so to say. What does this mean?🤔

[amievil]

I'm so tired of existing like this, I don't want to continue...

[haleyjohnson]

I cant afford a therapist or anything, and your videos have saved my life. I thought I was crazy. I was having these attacks that lasted so much longer than a normal panic attack, and now I can work on getting better without struggling to afford a doctor. Thank you!

[danielcampos]

I'm literally watching this with smoke coming out of my head like a cartoon. And I feel like breaking something. And yet idk y I can't help but shedd a tear when I hear you talk about abandonment and neglect. Because despite having both my parents in my life, I feel like they were never really involved in the things that truly mattered and never truly knew me. And I feel like I had to raise myself. And had to scavenge for healthy father figures and life lessons/advice. Only to always be let down. Because my father was an alcoholic who only cared about himself and satisfying his addictions. And I grew up with an overly controlling and religious mother who tried to force an image onto me that she wanted for me and that I didn't want. Who also had a quick temper and would take her rage out on me and my siblings about small insignificant things that could have easily been handled. Like dropping a glass or small accidents that sometimes wasn't even my fault. And would even say just mean and very hurtful things for no reason whatsoever. So nowadays I feel like the only person I can truly trust or count on is myself.

[britnimeighan]

I have struggled with BPD since my childhood. I now have more control over my actions now but the inner me still seems the same. How do I adapt the inner me to be in congruence with my outer expression. I still have the desire to be outrageous, destructive, I feel very low lows, etc. I’ve just learned over the years to mimic how ‘normal’ people act in efforts to maintain relationships and not hurt others.

[laurenwalker]

My BPD brother goes into rages when he doesn’t get his way. He’s 31 now and has been in jail multiple times due to his poor anger management and assaulting others when he’s angry. He has a therapist now. Hopefully he is as informed as yourself. Thanks for the video

[sandradibiaso]

Borderlines and co-dependents become filled with rage when a significant other who lacks empathy who is thus a narcissist rejects them or demeans them. It is the fear or abandonment realized or the fear of rejection realized provoking the rage in the person with borderline personality disorder and co-dependency. Narcissists are like the demons and those with borderline personality disorder and co-dependency are like the revengeful angels when enraged.

[angelal]

I would love videos directed at doctors & loved ones on how to help borderlines, too. It would be so helpful.

[ritadoran]

My trigger is always based on fear of lover leaving or cheating I never really experience triggers out side of romantic or intimate partner thing I always feel when in love they control my feelings and I hate them for my loss of control sensation I feel due to having fallen in love....it's truly a love hate thing and I have ended many romantic relationships over this trauma I don't feel I can help this monster when it rises up it is not planned ...more provoked and primal thanks Dr greatly appreciated

[lol-uzby]

I get triggered when someone gives me sh*t for nothing or for something small. I get triggered when someone is observing me, waiting for a mistake or when someone talks to me in a different way from how they talk to the rest. Sometimes I get so mad I want to apologize but sometimes people don't deserve an apology and sometimes they really need to get yelled at. Working out is a great tool, you'll notice after a while your confidence is rising and people start to treat you with more respect.

[bhutmoirangthem]

Every little thing is a trigger for me, the sound of cars, my family, mobile ringtones, doors and windows closing.

[workemaild]

Not being listened to and having my feelings dismissed causes my rage. This is from my mother, she was very passive aggressive and I'd have dreams I was screaming at her for attention but she acted like I was invisible. I understand the trigger, but it still boils up and I rage like a silver back ape when I'm not listened to.

[Kapitan--jcrn]

Top one trigger for me after feeling neglected / invisible is when I tell something very important to someone and then they dismiss it all as being "all in my head", "imaginary". This is how my parents still react to me to this day. My mother is an evil 3 year-old stuck in woman's body (malignant narc) and my father is an avoidant workaholic. Once the anger got so bad I actually caused 100s of dollars of damage on my own stuff. Pausing when you fell it climbing (the rage) is the key here. Maybe unleashing into a punching ball until you get tired helps too. Cold water. Lifts. And stop pacing.

[mariewilliams]

Ive learned it's best to stop talking and take deep breath if you feel stressed or angry. And it's best to understand arrogance. Thats what really helped me . I was half way cured. Because it was inconsiderate people who would make me upset. Because I wanted to be friendly. But nobody wanted to give me their time. Because people who are self important are usually difficult people and like to act superior to boost their self esteem. It's best to keep it polite and be respectable. Dont give self focused people a reason to make a drama. I dont have any bad communication with people anymore because I'm not looking for attention. I just keep it polite and try and keep my cool. And I dont expect anything from anyone.