When the narcissist helps your family

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.

THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[Niles-Guy]

Yes the narcissist will help your family. To manipulate them against you and to set them up to be exploited down the road. Narcissist don’t do anything for free. There ALWAYS IS an ulterior motive for them to use people. It’s like that old saying beware of Greeks bearing gifts 🎁…same goes for the narcissist

[Iva.j]

That was exactly my relationship. He was the ideal guy in everyone’s eyes. He set up the cards in his favor so when he abuses me no body believes me.

[duromusabc]

The “help” always has strings attached - the “you owe me” mentality in the narcissist mindset

Narcissistic relationships are always conditional and agenda driven to benefit only the narcissist because the empath target is a beneficial functional entity of supply and fuel

[josephharden]

Getting involved with a narcissist and resources like money is a "deal with the devil". 🎯 You're going to pay way more than what they gave

[ShelbyInDallas]

Why is it so difficult for people to recognize that financial control is abuse?

[marieborchardt]

They give nothing out of the kindness of their hearts, they have no kind hearts. There are always "strings attached" and payment will be due sooner than later. That's not what I call a caring loving family relationship.
Thank you for this one Dr. R., it's very relevant to me. ❤

[Woker]

After having first hand experience with a narcissist, whenever someone offers help or wants to give me something, I think twice on whether I’m about to receive a gift or am I going to be burdened with a debt. That’s the extent of my hypervigilance.

[janetking]

This happened to me in a 30 year marriage...
I lost members of my family when we divorced. He had been talking about me behind my back and making them think I was the issue and crazy...
I had one sister who believed me and slowly other members of my family have come around and realized what was happening...
But two of my sisters still won't speak to me and the interesting thing about this is they are married to narcissists
I feel they don't want to face their situation...
Too much honesty...

I just want to say Dr. Ramani you and your advise has helped me more than 4 years of therapy..
Not that my therapist was bad but I don't think he understood narcissists well and how to help me...
Thank you, I have my self back....

[jennaf]

My ex definitely had the "pseudo generosity" thing going. He's the "Christian" narcissist. He helped my mom (who he had mouthed often) with a flood she had in her condo about 18 months ago. Yes, he could sometimes do generous things, but he was also chronically emotionally and verbally abusive toward me throughout the 14.25 year marriage. So the cognitive dissonance was astounding! So glad I've been out for 10 months, divorced for 5 months, and no longer have to watch the adult temper tantrums!

[Becapy]

Narcissists buy loyalty with generosity.

It’s incredible how much my perspectives have changed since learning about narcissism. “Qualities” I used to value such as charisma, intelligence, and generosity are all traits that I carefully observe now.

Generosity is also difficult when you’re dealing with a narcissistic friend, colleague, or family member. You’ll feel indebted to them, and the sense of pressure to comply with their requests/favors will always persist. And trust me, those favors will surface. You’ll also feel the need to be loyal to them even when they’re wrong or show their true narcissistic asshole selves. But wait, how can you call them out or say anything when they’ve been so generous. Right?

[loverlytoday]

Similarly seen with the communal covert narcissist in a friend group. Publicly seen as virtuous, warm, gracious, helpful and empathetic while discreetly using relational aggression and minimization to those who do not fawn. I quietly walked away from the group. I remind myself often that empathy does not mean enduring abuse and that "seeing is different from being told".

[rewaaiyyar]

So so true! When I asked for a divorce and was very firm on my decision, my ex started taking care of my mother and father. And my narcissistic mother was all praises about him and she started telling everyone that how good and caring he was and how selfish I was to be taking divorce from him. I had a very tough time and decided not to justify or show his true face to everyone. No one believed me anyways.

[estelle]

I have had narcissists help me, and then I'm on the hook, forever and forever. I won't take help because of it. You learn about the indebteness that is thrown up in your face. You didn't know it when you said yes. Never mind the family. When the narcissistic family lends help, it's the neverending gratitutde you owe. I say, don't accept any help from anyone who has a whiff of narcissism to them. Go without, live with less, figure it out. It's not worth your freedom, stress and constant reminders, comments and control. It's grim. You have decide who you can help/be helped by. That's part of maturity. He who pays the piper is apt to call the tune.

[damerige]

Describes my sister with my whole family of origin. She surrounds herself with needy people., buys their love. They are forever beholden to her.

[dity]

I knew a narcissist who was only generous when he knew he would get a payoff. But his true colors came out when a good friend fell on hard times and couldn't even afford a gallon of milk. He refused to help her claiming he didn't give people money and turned around and spent money on another girl and her family... despite the fact they were well off. Thankfully, the girl he screwed over managed to start a new life far away from him and is doing great and looking amazing. The narcissist still has his money, status, and reputation of being a "great" guy, but the ugliness of his heart destroyed his once amazing looks. So it came back to him.

[NewNameNaomi]

My sis-in-law uses “service” as a way to control people all the time. It ends up making you feel like you can’t have upset with her because she does so much. So she can lie and be a jerk and have zero accountability but get away with it.

[lucymarbles]

Exactly what my ex did! I actually overlooked his bad behavior because he took such good care of me and my family. I didn’t know about narcissism them but now that I’m learning, it’s all clicking into place. He literally bought off his bad behavior.

[Stinabananas]

So true. I have experienced ex giving money to my family while having an affair behind my back. It's so disgusting.

[itisfinishednowtimetoclean]

My family is supper supportive and when I left my X they saw it for what it was, they knew me and were concerned. They were never hateful to him. He was not hateful to their faces, just didn’t want them stopping by…. (But his mom had a key to our home!). But after I left him the last time forever, he and his family stalked and harassed me. Now I know if my family ever sees him or his mom they will be treated as strangers. Because they are STRANGE. For those of you who’s family don’t support you I am SO SORRY. Because, to not be validated is in itself painful! I left my X after more than 20 years of trying and his nice guy exterior was seen through by most of my family. Love is not a monetary condition and favors/gifts do not balance the scales of being unjustly treated. Leave, nothing is worth staying with an abuser. Your smile will get lost, your health will decline, run and find your smile hold fast to your health…. That’s what I did and while in my marriage I wasn’t even aware how hard it had become to even smile. I found better health after leaving and laughing comes easily! So in synopsis you don’t know just how bad it is while your in, the old adage that hindsight is 20/20, does apply here! Wishing this thriver/survivor community Big Hugs, and healing.

[eyrctut]

My mom. So generous with complete strangers that it “looks” as if she is with me as well. Nope. But, this does give credence to the stories about what a horrible person the scapegoat is. I could starve and the narc would say that I need to lose a few pounds, literally.
I think that you could expand this topic into the Narcissistic Christmas. I think all narcs love Christmas. The children of narcs DO NOT. Exhausting.