Can you make it work with a narcissist?

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.

THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[arica]

If you love yourself, a relationship with a narcissist will never work.

[sparkygump]

I tried for 27 years and failed. The price of a relationship with a narc is your soul.

[shanerob]

Even when you give it your all to support them and walk on eggshells, they are triangulating behind your back and that can be cheating or just lying about you to their friends and family to get supply. Never assume that your life with them is okay just because there’s a period of time where you aren’t fighting. Some kind of scheming is always going on on the side.

[HWW]

I’ve tried everything under the Sun for 21 years to honor my vows to a raging narcissist. Today I stop trying to fix US and focus on healing myself. I have to leave the home I PAID FOR and the pet I love to save what’s left of my sanity. 69 years old. I deserve peace. ❤

[padmajonnavithula]

Also to add to it … I made myself confident, became immune to gas lighting, I don’t give in to his manipulation I made myself Rock solid so he can’t shake me. I don’t show my emotional side to him. If I have to cry I cry when I am alone but the only side he will ever see is the confident, unshakeable lady he turned me into. If there is one thing I can give my marriage credit to it will be what a strong woman it made me into. It’s just a matter of finding that silver lining

[scottmatznick]

Not without sacrificing yourself and getting nothing in return.

[jacquesjems]

I’m married to a narcissist male and I leave the room when he starts in. No discussion or cross words. He gets the message and apologizes. I accept and we go on. He never acts like a narcissist in public, only at home, so I’m able to go to another room. It’s not a perfect solution but it helps send a message to him. When their audience is gone, they are left speechless. It’s inconvenient but I’d rather get up and leave than listen to him.

[JohnSmith-wons]

Give them all you have and never criticise or argue and it STILL won't be enough.

[lorainenatalino]

I chose structured indifference for an 8 year period while our children were still going to school instead of leaving and trying to make it in a 2-household relationship…I was a stay-at-home mom with no income to contribute…him supporting 2 households wasn’t feasible…but I took it one step further….I separated from him within the house….I renovated a ground floor room and moved out of the bedroom…I felt guilt over this only in the fact that I feared how this would affect my children’s perception of a healthy relationship…but we weren’t fighting, there was no outright animosity…we just ignored each other…not ideal I know…but it was the best option at the time…once the kids were in their final semesters of college, I moved out and began divorce procedures…I have no regrets…

[yrd]

Currently married to a narcissist. After so many years with him I am very numb. His behavior doesnt surprise me anymore. I dont get sad or mad. I actually call him out and when I see that the conversation will get ugly, I leave the scene.

[davidhinkson]

Nothing works with a narcissist - no matter how much they convince you that you're the problem and you try to work on yourself to correct your perceived flaws, it makes no difference. Best to just get out while you can. Took me 14 years to figure out that!

[NonaManis]

“We assume that another adult in a relationship is NOT an INFANT who needs our attention 24/7 - the problem is that doesn’t really work for the narcissist.”

─ DOCTOR RAMANI 🌺 👏😊
_delivered this zinger in her daily video on narcissistic supply - so helpful for anyone who may have been in a narcissistic or emotionally abusive relationship - highly recommend her channel!_ 👏😊

😊👏😊👏😊👏😊👏😊👏😊

[PJean]

I'm door #3!!! I choose not to leave right now due to finances and don't want to lose my childhood home my Grandparents built. I have become a gray rock. I now longer look to him for validation cause NOW I know he'll never give it to me. I walk away from everything from him and wear my noise cancelling headphones a lot while I watch what I want and never have to listen to his uninvited opinions about what I'm watching. I am no longer his supply. I am all about me now. Someday I will move on. But theres things I chooses not to walk away from so I learn from Dr Ramani how to manage living with this 6 yr old. I just see him as my whacky roommate.

[mtaoriiar]

I managed to navigate from door 2 to door 3 with a ton of radical acceptance and managed expectation... and stayed for around 6 months in door 3. Today I finally managed to get out of it completely! Still feel shocked and full in the grieving process and the breakup was really hard, but it's a victory I want to share!

[davidJohnsonguitarguy]

The likelihood of finding a healthy relationship is rare; therefore, I would rather be happy alone.

[laurenmelissa]

I stayed with door number 3 for 2.5 years for my children. I settled. I then found out he cheated, so this made me leave. It’s difficult now but I know that it will be the best thing ever in the future. I will open door number 1 with someone one day!

[Boymom]

“Trying to draw water from an empty well can break a person’s spirit”… that’s exactly where I’m at. 20 years now and I’ve prayed and prayed, I’ve sacrificed and apologized and changed, I’ve cried expecting him to understand how he’s hurting me if I just say this or that or realize the things I’ve done wrong in the relationship and correct them and try to reconnect… absolutely nothing. No change in him at all. He’s still lying and talking to people behind my back, he’s still turning people against me and pretending I’m making a big deal out of him taking prescription bipolar meds when he’s actually on non-prescription drugs that are definitely affecting his thoughts and decisions. He’s still calling me names and sending screenshots of what I say to other women so they can mock me and my efforts, and he’s still rolling his eyes and huffing every time I bring up how he’s hurting me and the kids. It’s absolutely devastating. But I had a revelation the other day.
When I got married, I became one with him in every way. I gave every part of my life to him and meshed all facets of my being with him, like I’m supposed to. We dated for 6 yrs, and have been marred for 13.5 now (separated for 13 months). I could never understand WHY he didn’t feel this insane heartbreak that I feel about being separated. But it’s because he didn’t merge every part of him like I did when we got married. There was always a part of him that he kept separate from me-what’s behind the mask. So while I feel like my whole being is ripped in two because I put everything in, he doesn’t feel that same pain because he has a whole part of himself that isn’t being ripped in two. I lose 1/2+ of me while he loses 1/4 of himself.
I had to kick him out one night after a violent episode over money for his drugs, in front of the kids, and I told him that night that we would take a couple weeks and get help and start to work things out, that it would be very temporary. Since that night, he has never once apologized or been remorseful or repented for his actions. He’s blamed it on me when I ask why he’s put zero effort in. “You’re the one who kicked me out.” “Yes, I know that, but WHY did I feel the need to kick you out?” “Yep, here you go! You have to bring up everything I do wrong.” “Because it wasn’t like I kicked you out for no reason. There were circumstances that led to that. It was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make but I didn’t know what else to do. I had begged for you to do counseling with me for 6 years at that point, and we’d go once but then you’d refuse to go again when I would be honest about what was going on at home.” “Yeah because you threw me under the bus the first chance you got.” “No I didn’t. She asked me point blank, and I was honest. You got a chance to say what I was doing also.” “But I didn’t throw you under the bus.”
This is the conversation every single time. I’ve begged for date nights so we could reconnect. Nope, excuses. I’ve begged for counseling. Nope, he quit because he said I was manipulating the counselor against him. I asked to spend one hour a night talking on the phone so that things wouldn’t be discussed in front of the kids. He demanded every other night because he “can’t deal with that every night”… then he’d “fall asleep” or “forget” or say that since I brought something up outside of that time then it counts for the night. I’m so at the end and I hate it so much. I do not know what to do. I’m finally setting boundaries because the kids and I are suffering while he lives rent-free with his mom and complains about sending money for me and the kids. It’s absolutely horrible to live this life, but I love him so much and despite what people say, they CAN change. I’ve seen it with other people, friends of mine, who acted very entitled and had narcissistic tendencies, until they turned to God. So I know it can be done. But I also know that I’m not God and I don’t have the power to change anyone. Someone who doesn’t see a problem or need won’t humble himself to get help. “Change only occurs when the pain of staying the same is greater than that of changing.”

[NonaManis]

"My key wisdom on Narcissistic abuse for what it's worth is that its not a pathway where your mind magically gets clear about what has happened to you nor is it a spotless mind healing. There is no way you just forget about it all. Recovery often means turning into a direction that may seem a little more cynical or guarded or more careful which actually is fine.
Recovery also takes a long time and in some ways it's an ongoing and lifelong process. You can't just be careful or have good boundaries for a year.
To recover means making lifelong shifts".

─ DOCTOR RAMANI 👏😊

😊👏😊👏😊👏😊👏😊👏😊

[DolceIbarra]

You just described my 30+ year marriage, I capitulated for half and was indifferent for the other. It worked for me because it felt comfortable having grown up the child of a single bipolar alcoholic mother. When I learned about codependency and NPD and began choosing myself and having boundaries the marriage ended. Not before he met someone else and used that relationship to triangulate and punish me for choosing myself however.
We are over two years divorced now. I’m single and finally feeling solid ground under my feet. He still tries to topple me but I’m strong now. It’s been a rough journey but the road is smoother now. Thank you for your work. My life literally is so much more peaceful because of it. 🥰

[AlastairjCarruthers]

Option 4 takes me back to the most useful, meaningful piece of advice that I was given after walking away from my narc. I had lunch with a good friend of mine, and she asked me, "what would you have to be to make a relationship with that person work? And are you willing to be that way, long-term?"

Answering that question was a revelation. To be with that narc, I'd have to completely give up on myself. I'd have to allow myself to be manipulated and gaslit, and lower my head and take all the blame when she was having one of her rage tantrums. I'd have to always let her have her way, and constantly flood her with undeserved admiration and praise, while getting no support or positivity back from her. I'd have to meekly beg for attention when she was stonewalling me, lie to others about her behavior to protect her, and sever ties with other loved ones to devote myself to serving her. I'd have to be a ghost, a shell of myself.

Was I willing to do that? Hell, no.