When you just don't know how to respond to a narcissist

ORDER MY NYT BESTSELLING BOOK 📖 "IT'S NOT YOU"

JOIN MY HEALING PROGRAM

JOIN THE DR. RAMANI NETWORK

GET INFO ABOUT MY UPCOMING PROGRAM FOR THERAPISTS

SIGN UP FOR MY MAILING LIST

LISTEN TO MY NEW PODCAST "NAVIGATING NARCISSISM"

DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.

THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[Jerk]

I'm at a point where I just can't engage because it just feels dangerous. No matter what I say, it will be twisted into something vile. Safer to stay silent and walk away.

[rokoroo]

You can't ever respond to the narcissist the "right way" because no matter how hard you try, they will make sure it's the "wrong way."

[suzsiz]

Peace over Drama
Distance over Disrespect ✌️

[arashigumdrop]

Silence is Better than Unnecessary Drama

[turbo-ynle]

I feel a takeaway to all of this: you have to "manage" the narcissist. They aren't going to change. They're going to be contrarian, they're going to say things that seem out of left-field, just for the sake of saying them. Try to anticipate, and don't get caught up with them. Know "your" truth isn't invalid. Know that you aren't wrong. And know that you aren't the crazy one!

[Violet_Lotus_]

What I noticed is, every question from them is a trick question. Sometimes I say a prayer before I answer, that it won’t get me in too much trouble, 😅

[eleen]

"can't win" ugh... I am not trying to win. I just want to protect my peace.

[meghan]

In other words, you tell them what they want to hear and then remove yourself from the situation as quickly as possible.

[GrandmaMaeCorporation]

Loved the part about NOT CARING. It’s the only way to survive. I no longer try to please him. I laugh at his rage, it’s a safe way to show him how unregulated he is without the lecture. I always take the opportunity to build on his good behavior. I liken it to parenting. He is actually making progress. No, it’s not a relationship. My health has suffered, but I’m a stronger person not easily bullied over. This part I’m grateful for. I owe Doctor Ramani much of the credit. I think she saved my life. I can only think many others feel the same for her.

[EleanorCawley]

I still feel that ‘no contact’ is the way to go for me.

[p.w.]

I was once confronted about something I had done "wrong" and received a lecture about how they had my best interests in mind. I wanted to defend myself, but instinctively I knew that would be pointless. The only thing I could think of to say was thank you, and that took the wind right out of their sails and they had nothing to rebut with and they walked away. I know that's not a good response for every situation, but for that one it was perfect, and was a satisfying moment.

[lookaroundyou]

Exactly... from a young age I told my mom we can never be honest with dad. If we are having a good time without him its like a crime. We cant have fun in or outside of the house. Its disgusting how he manges to ruin our lives, happiness and mental health.

[MikinessAnalog]

I already grey rock because no-contact isn't an option for me at the moment.
Guess what? Even ignoring them is twisted around when I am "smear campaigned".
Most of the family asks "why are you being so difficult?
They already know how messed up the narcissist is yet choose to minimize the gaslighting.
Realizing they're the flying monkeys makes me want to tell them "until you live with him & his biting dog, you won't fully comprehend."

[TheSelfCenter]

I think the best way to deal with them is to just not respond... Cut them out if you can, or resort to grey walling. Do not let your emotions show! The narcissist will only prey on that. 💯💯

[geriwan]

Greetings from Germany! So true. Not knowing what to say is the worst. My ex-wife used to put me on mute by snapping "why don't you"-questions at me. E.g. me having half finished mowing the lawn. Her, furiously: "Why don't you tend to the roses first? The lawn is not important right now. The roses need cutting. Why don't you see that! Why do I always have to tell you?", "Why don't you mow from left to right instead of mowing from front to back?", "Why don't you hook up the power cord to the handle of the mower instead of hanging it over your shoulder?" etc. etc. Needless to say apologies and change of action on my behalf were expected pronto. Which she would then again start picking to why-don't-you-pieces. It was ridiculous. Eventually she would huff off ranting about what a hard life she had and how exhausting it was that she always had to keep an eye on everything or else all would go down the drain and how all that consumed her precious time and kept her from doing the really important stuff. In case I did engage in the argument she would go downright berserk, sneer at me, call my behavior childish and that after all she was not my mother ... WTF? 🤔
Anyway, we're divorced now. Phew! But now our children (13+14) are getting the above treatment. Sometimes, when they at my place (I live just a mile away so thankfully I see them almost on daily basis) she would call one of them on the cellphone. It usually doesn't take a minute then before some argument is on. The other day I heard my daughter yelling at her over the phone: "Mom! You're always twisting everything!" Nailed it. Clever girl! 😇
Fun fact: my ex is a yoga teacher, of all things. So to everyone else out there she's living the perfect yoga life – love, mindfulness, inner peace, and whatnot. Hilarious. If people only knew ...

[jennifercalhoun]

My steady response now in general is just, "OK".

[LiminalDrag]

Ugh, I had to deal with constant baiting interrogations from my mother, which were set up to confuse and anger me while being autistic and having an inherent delay in processing and understanding the questions. She lived for it. I couldn't get out of it, I never had the right answer, and I couldn't defend myself. She caught on to me avoiding her and came after me harder and started pretending she had heard me saying something snarky and raged on me for that. As a kid, you just don't even have a chance😡 I refuse to pander to them in any way now. It goes against my being.

[ragacats]

I find myself laughing. These scenarios are so familiar. I’m able to laugh because I made it through to the other side. A lot of pain, suffering and recovery. Most of the narcs in my life are gone. What a relief!

[Ancient_Pollyanna]

I just dealt with a narcissist by telling them outright what I expected in terms of communication and told them that when they can work on that, get back to me. Haven't heard a word in weeks... hmmm. Narcissists don't like being called out and the minute they know you're hip to them, they seem to disappear. Love this channel, Dr. Ramani!

[tomchurch]

A lot of self compassion is needed in realizing you won’t get the interaction “right” every time with narcissistic individuals. . .