Getting shamed for not letting the narcissist hoover you

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.

THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[jeh]

“You only get to be a victim once. After that, you’re a volunteer.”
— Naomi Judd

[youngblood]

Abusers have good moments. Abusers have days where they do and say the right things. It can be confusing and give you hope. You have to remind yourself that it is an abuser having a good day. They are still an abuser.

[sleeperno]

After three years of discard, my in laws hoovered. I refused. Now, I’m “not a forgiving person.”

[make.upexperiments]

I just got blamed for “breaking up the family” when I’m just the first person who was willing and able to walk away from a toxic system that showed no signs of improvement.

[bridgetveralidaine]

When you are not receptive to the hoover.... they label you as the narcissist.

[forensicbadassprofiling]

Wise advice.
In other words:
Don't feed the bears unless ur willing to get mauled.
Bears will always be bears.
It's their nature.
They're animals w instinct to maul for food.
Thanks Dr Ramani.

[vacationeyes]

Sometimes the worst shaming and gaslighting comes from other victims who couldn't get away like you did. They are angry you got away while they suffer.

[catherinedunne]

Pretty spot on. Years of nonsense if it’s family.

[jlm]

Served my wife with divorce papers the day this came out. The shaming started immediately

[goldilocks]

Yes. Just remember in a narcissist’s brain they actually believe it is your job to be there for them WHENEVER the mood strikes them. A narcissistic ex contacted me recently after TWENTY YEARS and expected me to drop everything and come to his rescue. When I made it extremely clear that was not happening, he pitched a fit of toddler proportions and absolutely attempted to make me out as the bad person for choosing not to be his rescuer (incidentally we don’t even live in the same country). It never ends with these people BLOCK, DELETE, NO CONTACT 😮

[heathermixson]

My favorite is when they text or call, you don't respond or answer, THEN they text or call to TELL you that they've texted or called!!🤦‍♀️🤣🤣🤣😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫
They truly exhaust everything in life.
Thank you Dr. Ramani😌

[Kat-trig]

OMG this video couldn't have come at a more appropriate moment! Three days ago I broke things off with the narc, and this morning he wrote me a text like nothing happened. When I didn't respond, 20 minutes later, he wrote "I'm fine, thanks for asking" and added a smiley face and 4 leaf clover emoji. I answered him with a simple "I don't want to continue this relationship" and he became completely unhinged, shaming and gaslighting me with things that are completely untrue, trying to get me to respond. It's EXACTLY as you say Dr Ramani. Thank you for this video!

[violetamethyst]

Does anyone else get super creeped out when the Narc sends people to hoover you for them? I have had it happen, and it's always an icky feeling.
Thank you for the video, Dr. Ramani! 💜

[make.upexperiments]

“Falling for a hoover is not going high, it’s self sabotage” dangggg I want to remember that line forever!

[alexm.]

Spot on. The narcissist only wants what you have of value, be it emotional, physical, financial. So once consumed they discard you and move on to taking advantage of somebody else and come back round when they lack supply.

What I learned is to focus on healing my sense of self esteem. Now I recognise narcissists from very little interaction and perfectly comfortable in dealing with them when I have to. They’re all predictable, their behaviour is a pattern on repeat. Pay attention, value and love yourself and you’ll never be hurt by one again. You’ll attract healthy people who will truly love you. Wishing everyone healing and to be treated with kindness. You are enough ❤

[leighmercer]

Oh yes. I had one that was a "friend" that I severed ties with, it got ugly, he proceeded to do a smear campaign and I went no contact/no response. I didn't mention him, bring him up, when people would ask me about him, I'd say "I don't know him, moving on."
6 or 7 months later my partner and I were having a holiday party. He created a new Facebook account, reached out to me saying he forgave me, it was my turn and the first step in my forgiveness of him would be to invite him to our party.
I blocked his new account, and I got another round of smear campaign. Snakes and narcissists shed their skins to become bigger snakes and bigger narcissists.
You can't forgive, they will never change. This isn't about you at all, this is selfish mental/personality disorder, and a narc will tear you apart and sleep like a baby. They're not human beings. They're living threshing machines.

[HonaMalta]

"The hard work after a narcissitic breakup, is "you" getting to know "you". Getting more clear on who you are. Doing the work of individuation".
Dr. Ramani.

Thank you very much for these curing, & healing paths.

[maggiepie]

Unfortunately, the worst shaming can come from the people who are heavily trauma bonded themselves, especially in a family system. Even if the other parent has left the relationship, because they understand that they've been abused, they can still shame their kids for wanting to go no contact with a narcissistic parent.

[heiressofmusic]

You are an excellent teacher! Thank you for sharing your knowledge with the world. Therapy is not affordable for everyone and not every therapist is a good one. So I really appreciate these videos.

[angelwild]

It is very hard to actually leave an unhealthy family unit, especially when you are made out as the bad egg for leaving. Even if just to protect yourself and be healthier. Thanks for the affirming words Dr. R!