Even Healthy Couples Fight — the Difference Is How | Julie and John Gottman | TED

Can conflict actually bring you and your partner closer? It depends on how you fight, say Julie and John Gottman, the world’s leading relationship scientists. They share why the way couples fight can predict the future of their relationships — and show how anybody can transform conflict into an opportunity for deeper connection and understanding.

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[TheGuntar]

Decades of marriage have taught me; Don't fight to win, fight to understand. No hurtful personal attacks, remember you love this person. Get over it and yourself fast, grudges against whom you love are not healthy or good. Don't be afraid to apologize, even if you understand better what caused the fight, an apology just means you understand why what was said might hurt the one you love. Lastly, don't destroy who you are or who they are, after all we are two people who are doing the best we can in a tough world.

[deelehey]

We don’t fight. We discuss. Been married 46 years.

[timcasebeer]

Having recently been separated for two months from my partner of 35 years, this TED talk couldn’t have come at a better time. And at a time when our country is so polarized politically, the insights and conflict resolution techniques described here could be just the ticket to a national reconciliation, two people at a time.

[hitenvaswani]

Learnings taken from this tedx talk are as follows:
Whenever while in a conflict, your mind is flooded with thoughts, your heartbeat high
Ask or Take a break from the communication
And in that break, don’t think about it
Come back, calm, physiologically with a calm and then listen better chances of understanding properly


When you want to criticise someone
Do this?
1) talk you are feeling that is I statement
2. talk about the situation
3. And then what you need from your partner
Example :You are frustrated of chatting and talking daily only on phone
Then say this:” I am not feeling the connection or feeling good on phone as we have been communicating through phone only a lot
Will you make time to go out? Together


Know that conflicts can be perpetual
So they have to be managed and not solved

Also, when you solve the solve conflict
Remember It is conflict not to win it
But to go beneath the other person, possession, and to understand it well, that will built connection
Pre designed question to ask
1. What is your past history (childhood or background related) with this?
2. What is your dream situation?

[bbde]

I just ❤ the Gottmans. Their work should be mandatory reading for all adults.

[jessiemarie]

I know that this is about couples, but i feel like this applies to all types of relationships

[twoissas]

I agree wholeheartedly - it definitely take both to be mindful, tell the hard truth all while being respectful.

[Dynasty]

1.5 years with my GF and not a single fight yet. Sure we've had debates, we have differences, she's wrong about not needing to rinse suds off dishes and I'm wrong for not washing my hands before every meal so the little things. But no fight. To the point where she's worried, as not fighting is often a sign of hiding something and she's worried we'll explode and that we don't know how each other are/is during a fight. Are you a door slammer, voice raiser, do you go quiet etc. Well no, we just talk. We ALWAYS talk. About everything. Expectations, beliefs, decisions, we TALK. We don't feel like we can't talk or bring up anything. We don't argue when the other has a different opinion or approach. Talk more = learn about that person more = know what they like and don't like = no need to argue and nobody breaches expectations.

We're going through our 2nd box of "deep questions" cards we got online, super cheap and easy way to ask questions you wouldn't think to ask, and reveals a lot about yourself as long as you agree to never lie in your answers beforehand.

[pablocastrejon]

My relationship is so bad I sent this to my partner with whom I live together and she completely ignored it and we fought over it

[larisachan]

Finally, the couple and psychologists that deserve this platform ❤.
I fell in love with their work, just after studying counselling.

[AlexanderSergeyev-yq]

Absolutely love watching the Gottmans and listening to them. The way they interact with each other has a lot to teach us!

[jasperzenda]

Manipulative, controlling and dominating behaviour which is the real problem in relationships is excluded in this equation.

[leeshingshyan]

I come from a strongly religious background where divorce is not a viable option. I've recently been feeling trapped because while I'm extremely unhappy in the marriage, it is difficult to leave. Thanks for the video and the advice. The video helped me identify many harmful habits my spouse and I have in communication. The reframing of "fight to understand" and simple practical advice on how to do so is very useful.

I genuinely hope the success rate for couples pre and post intervention (i.e. watching this video) is statistically significant - perhaps there's hope for me. Haha.

[stillrizingtherapy]

Thank you for wrapping up with that very important point. Learning to communicate with civility -ie. respectfully & calmly- is key to not only a successful partnership, but also to healthy communities, countries and our world. We have so few examples of this so, no wonder, it does not come easily. Thank you, John & Julie Gottman, for continuing to spread this revolutionary message 💜🌎

[iicc]

I find your resources very helpful. It helps me to understand myself and the people whom I counsel. Kudos to your wonderful teamwork.

[peteywest]

I had a fight with my partner the other day which we resolved even though I used a harsh start-up. I later apologized for using "you statements" instead of "I statements".

[UnkleBen]

GUYS: The secret to resolving any conflict while in the home: man stops talking and does the dishes. try it. if things haven't de-escalated by the time you're done, clean the bathroom. do not talk about it again for at least 1 day. then let her go first and LISTEN, how she feels about it when she's not worked up is valid and may enlighten you.
If she's the type who just will not stop attacking you, go for a long walk, go bowling, go to the library, but GO AWAY from her til she calms down. Do not talk about it until the next day if at all possible.
keep in mind not all conflicts are able to be resolved, and neither of you needs to be "right", but you can respectfully disagree and come to a compromise TOGETHER.

[SteinerHaus]

As SWMBO and I are undergoing counseling after 38 years, this is pretty much spot on for me. I sent her the link. Perhaps it will be a basis for dialoging. At least I hope so.

[DileepaRanawake]

This is amazing and so valuable. Should be taught everywhere. Thanks so much for this talk.

[p_mouse]

Is this typically something that is more a thing in American culture? Because I know many other cultures where there isn't such a taboo on having a fight.
Even just in general.
Also, the meaning of the word criticism is extremely different than the example in the video.