How To Argue With Your Partner

It isn’t realistic to aim never to argue with our partners; far better to learn how to argue fruitfully and well. This has a lot to do with allowing ourselves to be vulnerable.


FURTHER READING

“Arguments in relationships are typically so regrettable and often so bitter, it’s natural to hope we might – with greater maturity – overcome them once and for all. But given what human nature is like, it would be unwise to make this our goal: the hope can’t be to eliminate arguments altogether, it should be to try to find our way to a better kind of argument. Arguments tend to start when we are confronted – usually rather suddenly – by what appears to us to be the radical selfishness, intransigence or sheer nastiness of the partner...”


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CREDITS

Produced in collaboration with:

David Horsburgh

[therepublicofdiarrhea]

Every School of Life video is like a mini-therapy session. These tidbits of wisdom are healthier for my body than kale.

[lambusaab]

2:52 "It takes proper courage to confess you are frightened"

[vasymusic]

why am i even watching this i'm alone

[mishasworld]

Watch out though. Know your partner. If you say "I feel very hurt" to a narcissist or a possessive person it is like food and energy to them. They will continue to attack you.

[TAEYYO]

_"I'm so hurt. I'm frightened."_
*"Oh I get it, you're trying to make me out as the 'bad guy'. Playing the ole victim card huh?!"*

[michaelaomalley]

In my experience (and i have a functioning relationship - which doesn't mean we never fight, but that we have good conflict resolution skills) my experience is that the fighting definitely always boils down to the fear of losing connection... it DOES also involve the need for emotional safety, however. I'm not sure i understand why this video says it doesnt. The two are very closely linked. And I'd also add that the issue CAN be about the dishes or whatever, but the response to the issue and the other person's response to the bringing up of that issue are both ultimately linked to deeper feelings, if those responses are disproportionate to the issue (or "dishues" haha) brought up.

What is ultimately vital to the peaceful resolution and reconnection on both ends of a conflict is to RESPOND to your feelings, rather than REACTING to them, by explaining them as calmly as possible - which often requires taking space to calm down first. AND then the partner also must respond rather than react. If you need to get out your rage, consider doing it out of earshot before you approach them. Remember that your goal (if in fact you do love them and want to stay in the relationship) is to ultimately have a more peaceful dynamic, and then to act accordingly. Find a way to approach the problem diplomatically, focusing on the solution....

So often in life we get so familiar with those who are close to us (doesn't have to be a romantic partner) that we forget that they are still an individual who deserves our respect, and we should (despite it sounding rather paradoxical) consider treating them like we would a stranger, or someone with whom we have a more formal relationship, and with whom diplomacy is the only option....

Another way to look at it is how you would (hopefully) approach a problem with a young child. In most cases you are already aware of the motivations behind bad behavior, but you know that they're too young to have fully developed a solid sense of morals or social appropriateness, so you forgive them and explain to them why what they did was wrong... You would obviously not want to approach your partner with condescension, but you COULD approach it with the assumption that THEY are not inherently bad or evil or ill-intentioned, despite what their actions may indicate. They most likely are not doing whatever they are doing because they want to hurt you. And if you truly think they are, then your task is to assess their true motives by quiet reflection or by directly asking them, "hey, are you trying to hurt me? because you are." When asked with a tone of diplomacy that question can go a long way...

The mastery of your own emotional responses in every single instance of interaction is the true key to halpiness in relationships. If your partner will not try to do the same, then you probably have a sign you need to move on.

[meaganadwyer]

I think it's crazy when people expect to have relationships with no arguing. You are going to fight, but it's important to know how to fight fair, and know the circumstances that might lead to you and your partner arguing. The chances of my boyfriend and I arguing go up exponentially when we are tired, and 99% of the time, our fights come from miscommunication. We try to say "When you said this, I heard this and it made me feel like this". That phrase has been a lifesaver.

[TheHannaHelena]

This 'I feel hurt' statement won't work with a very logical, fact-based partner.

To get hurt is something unmeasurable. It's something that comes out from being emotional. So when you tell your logical partner 'You hurt my feelings', he or she will say 'Okay, but you're still wrong because...' without addressing the emotional part of the fight.

So if this is the case, the one who get hurt will usually just accept the other's fact-based argument and the pain ends up being ignored.

[TB_JMaX]

At least we know the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell

[sahilhanda]

*Saying "fuckwit" in this voice came completely out of nowhere 😂* Loved the video SOL, honest communication is the best way forward. I actually find that arguments are beneficial to the relationships and that being constantly happy moment to moment isn't what we seek in one (that may be why we reject people who are too nice to us). The criticism, when constructive, keeps us linked into the relationships and, as this video says, shows how much we actually care about the other individual. Having a partner who judges you for your limitations and argues with you when you need to be called up on something will allow you to push yourself beyond what you already are, which is a far better prospect than eliminating arguments altogether.

[IsabelleMN]

I think the struggle with admitting hurt, is wondering your partner is a safe haven for that kind of vulnerability. you wonder whether your partner will actually respond with compassion and understanding, rather than moquery or defensiveness. so it feels more emotionally safe to lash out, because your vulnerability is safer then. I remember once admitting to my boyfriend that in the time when I struggles to find a job after graduation, I often felt like I was just an extra in his story, rather than living my own. it was one of my most vulnerable moments, and he threw that back in my face when we got in a huge argument. it was then that I realized the emotional cost of being vulnerable. And it's a struggle that I'm still dealing with, knowing that vulnerability is key to a deep connection, but so very risky

[TopArchive]

Not many people can use "fuck wit" in a video and still maintain composure and not miss a step.. Kudos, lol. Great video by the way - videos like this should be shown in schools, colleges and every counselors office in the world.. Screw paying a shrink $200 an hour - just play these videos.

[Bananenbauer]

I feel like the words: "I feel hurt." Are pretty much an ultimatum.
If you say 'I feel hurt' and your partner doesn't respond with empathy, you might consider ending the relationship.
Getting turned down after such a confession, disregarding these words as "An Excuse" or "You'r just trying to turn the conversation into a different direction" or "You'r saying that to manipulate me, is the obvious result of mistrust.
If you can't get your partner's full attention(mindful awareness) after saying you have been seriously hurt, you are suspected to be a liar.

I would conclude the relation is very unhealthy and I'm saying that because the comment section is filled with people saying the advice from this video doesn't help them, but we all know that it SHOULD help.

[fruitorn-imsin]

You don't have to argue with your partner. If you don't have one.

[BinaBianca]

But what if your partner won't stop being mean or hurful even though you said you're hurt? What if you're the one, making yourself vulnerable and the opposit uses this as an advantage to still say hurtful things. What if your partner won't understand that you're making yourself vulnerable, because he or she has a lack of empathy?

[AngelBoy]

I used this strategy on the verge of my relationship falling apart, it just saved it, I literally told her that I am frightened and hurt, then she stopped arguing and we ended up nicely. :)

[ellesrevisionsession]

I was in a two year relationship where we never argued. We disagreed. But never argued. It was the loneliest relationship I have ever had. I will NEVER again have a relationship where we don't argue. Arguments are a blessing in disguise, you vent at each other, you get to re-evaluate where the other is at and compromise accordingly. Not all arguments are toxic. They are healthy.

[ashleylee]

"We're not in a relationship to be emotionally safe, we're there to find a connection." Wow.

[ndrreathekitty]

me: im hurt
them: ok thats your fault

[svilen]

The existence of this channel makes youtube's worthwhile. You've given me solace, reassured me, made me cry, made me stronger. You've been one of those voices that I so need, to balance the bad ones, in my head. Whenever I feel discouraged, afraid, and angry I know there is always one of your videos to help me put things into perspective and deal with my emotions. You have been a part of my journey to myself without knowing it! I love you guys! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!