Skills for Healthy Romantic Relationships | Joanne Davila | TEDxSBU

People may know what a healthy romantic relationship looks like, but most don’t know how to get one. Psychologist and researcher Joanne Davila describes how you can create the things that lead to healthy relationships and reduce the things that lead to unhealthy ones using three evidence-based skills – insight, mutuality, and emotion regulation. Share this with everyone who wants to have a healthy relationship.

Dr. Joanne Davila is a Professor of Psychology and the Director of Clinical Training in the Department of Psychology at Stony Brook University. She received her PhD in Clinical Psychology from UCLA.
Dr. Davila’s expertise is in the area of romantic relationships and mental health in adolescents and adults, and she has published widely in this area. Her current research focuses on romantic competence among youth and emerging adults, the development of relationship education programs, the interpersonal causes and consequences of depression and anxiety, and well-being and relationship functioning among lesbian, gay, and bisexual individuals.
Dr. Davila is a Fellow in the Association for Psychological Science and the Incoming Editor (2016-2022) for the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology.
Dr. Davila also is a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in evidence-based interventions for relationship problems, depression, and anxiety.

[OlivePapyrus]

First lesson: find yourself a partner who is willing to learn and develop themselves alongside you.

[InnaAllStar]

Imagine being called down to an assembly in high school and having this talk presented. Half of assemblies were so pointless.. imagine what something like this could have done for ALL high school couples. I would personally be so interested in this even in grade 9.

[davidzaremba]

It is not only finding the right partner, it is also being the right partner. 
My wife and I have a system. 
When either one asks “could you”…that means the the task can wait or not be done at all. But when one says I “need you” to…the other partner drops everything, does the task with no questions asked. Although seldom used, this system has worked beautifully. Most importantly, you don’t keep count

[theoverthinker]

I must be super into this guy, for me to start doing research on how to love him better <3

[sarahbeauvais]

"No amount of premarital education can make up for a bad partner choice" savage and true I love

[susgra]

I wish they'd teach this in schools. We are sent off into the world with no financial education, relationship training, or real-world skills. If you come from a family lacking of, or dysfunctional in, any of these areas, good luck; you are likely to repeat what you've been exposed to.

[arneytjaro]

Last night I made my girl cry for the first time.
It literally destroyed me hard core.
From today onwards I've dedicated to invest in my relationship.

[strawberrycheesecake]

1.Genuinely knowing what you need and want in a partner and a relationship
2. Selecting the right person
3. Having and developing the relationship competence skills from the beginning
3.1. Insight (Awareness, learning)
A better idea of who you are, you need, you want. Knowing your partner better. Anticipate the negative/positive consequences of your behavior better.
3.2. Mutuality
Knowing both people have needs and both needs matter. Be able to communicate your needs clearly. Be willing to meet your partner's needs. Factor both your and your partner's needs in decision making.
3.3. Emotion regulation
Keep your emotion calm. Think through your decisions more clearly. Maintain your self - respect and commitment to your needs even when bad things happen in the relationship.

[CutiePi]

I'm educating myself for my future girlfriend 😀

[cxa]

Points: Insight, mutuality and emotion regulation.
Insight - Awareness, understanding and learning. Knowing what's right for you.
Mutuality - Knowing both people have needs and both needs matter, and working to meet those needs.
Emotion Regulation - Regulating your feelings in response to things that happen in the relationship. Tolerate uncomfortable feelings and not lash out.

Good talk. A lot of people need to see this. Wish I saw this 20 years ago. Now I feel totally emotionally incompetent and feel like it's just too much of a hassle to try to connect with people.

[bramtyross]

I love how she took 13 and 14 year old girls results seriously. Most people wouldn't pay attention because they think they don't last. But what you learn from when you're young really affects future relationships.

[abobora]

I wish I had learned this before destroying my relationship. Now I can see how unhealthy I was being to my former partner. Thank you for helping me in this quest to be a better person myself.

[FrankM]

Selecting the right partner is very challenging because people don't come with a manual or a QR code, which you can scan with your mobile device, to get insight into their personality. A lot of people hide their true selves, only showing their best version in the beginning, until a few weeks or few months later you begin to see them for who they are. This is why relationships are exhausting.

[luigidibenedetto]

Love is not looking into each other eyes but also looking the same direction

[dzanroach]

the deliverance of that speach was near perfect.

[Peristerium]

I'm really bad at regulating emotions. I feel discarded/abandoned the minute someone that I care about seems distant. As a result, I also back away because I've had experiences in the past where I get hurt from trying to bridge the gap when someone is distant.

[NadiaMichelle]

Intimacy, , security, respect, good communication, a sense of being valued.
On the bad side: fighting too much, not being able to go to your partner for support, contempt, hostility, violence.


The problem: Do you know what to do on a day to day basis to create that healthy relationship?


1. Know what you need and want from a partner and a relationship
2. Choose the right partner
3. Having a good set of skills


Skills:


1. Insight.
2. Mutuality
3. Emotion Regulation

[abhishekmangaraj]

Re-watching it again and again over the course of the last 5 years. Every word she spoke is true and valuable.

[mariahlobello]

I'm an early childhood educator and almost all of these things sounds like our social emotional goals. (Balancing our own needs with others, emoutional regulation, solving social problems, ect.) We are getting children that more and more often have experienced trauma and struggle with these skills. I think the solution is embedding them into our curriculum for early childhood and elementary school as well as beyond.

[JanelleFraser]

yes, I think teaching the young to have healthy relationships is SO important!