The Easiest Way to Improve Your Relationship | The Gottman Institute

The easiest way to improve your relationship is to pay attention to your partner during life’s small, everyday moments. This video shows you how.

As relationship researcher Logan Ury explains, you can choose to TURN TOWARDS your partner in these moments and accept their bids to connect, or TURN AWAY and ignore their bids. Every time you choose to turn towards, you make a deposit in your Emotional Bank Account.

Notice when your partner makes a bid. Show interest, ask questions, nod, listen, and put away your screens.

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[adamkumpmusic]

I can’t get over how “make” and “break” were placed on the wrong sides...

[summernight]

The successful relationships that last RESPOND to each other. They Respond to their partners needs

[stephencohen]

Bidding? This dynamic is way bigger then most of us care to believe. I started a conversation with my lovely wife on this subject and it has generated some interesting discussion! Thanks for putting this information out there!!!

[emotionality]

I love how you mention the seemingly small, insignificant crossroads in the beginning of the video - those are the things that can snowball into resentment. Great video!

[full-of-ideas]

Thank you for posting! I enjoyed the visuals, the colours, the content, the narrator's voice, and the music.

[EarthlyAbundance]

An extremely rare commenter here... What can get complex real fast is when one or both partners are neurodiverse, and one partner has Pathological Demand Avoidance. If the bid is an ask/request/demand, the demand/bid can trigger an automatic threat or anxiety (fight, flight, or freeze) response causing panic. It is not necessarily as simple as choosing to pay attention to the partner's bids, as it's not a choice or on purpose that the neurodiverse person may respond to a bid with rejection and turning away. Then, you have one who feels rejected and frustrated and one who goes into fight or flight response, adding layers to the other partner's bid-rejection. Let's be aware of bids being an easy way to improve a neurotypical relationship, but let's also consider expanding our awareness and recognize that neurotypical ways of doing something do not work for neurodiverse relationships, and can actually cause more distress and harm than improvement.

[wilsons]

This is great and seems to be a healthy way to nurture all kinds of relationships.

[juliainiowa]

exactly right. every single bid was shut down by my former partner.

[TommyFamous]

I Love That! Choose to Turn towards Your Partner and accept their Bid! 💜

[babylove]

Idk what caused her to just be distant. However I know my past and social behavior annoys her to the point she Will never trust me and that’s what I’ve accepted what I have done. No matter how are you make it work. Trust is the key 🔐 to any relationship, mechanic, doctor, platonic, etc

[JudyHermanRelationships]

So true and makes so much sense! Thanks for sharing!

[jack-mbmw]

Thank you i really needed to hear this

[bigdiehl]

Some folks are so busy bidding for all the attention that they refuse to notice incoming bids.

[ryanfrizzell]

Thanks. Now I know more about the easiest ways to improve my relationships.

[bryfount]

anyone else notice that in the first cartoon the right hand sigh is the one where the partner asks "what's on your mind?" also has the word "break" over the top of that side, indicating that asking "what's on your mind?" will break your relationship.

[tanlight]

How hard is it to be thought ful and considerate to your life PARTNER.

[thegamingrelish]

I find it hard to communicate with my girlfriend. Sometimes going out for a meal together is uncomfortable because we both just sit there in silence even tho we both just had fun at the water park before hand. I want to hear from actual people who have had bad communication and then managed to turn it around. Need a bit of hope

[BobF]

This is sublime material. A book on this subject I read was equally transcendent. "The Art of Meaningful Relationships in the 21st Century" by Leo Flint

[NeurodiverseLove]

would be curious to know Gottman's view on those with Autism and bids for connection. I have found my partner needs very clear statements of what I need/want him to do and he does not pick up on subtle cues

[MrBass]

This has got to be the most common sense andobviouse thing I've heard, still good though for people who don't grasp this basic concept