The Problem With Being Too Logical in Love

There's a particular kind of argument that can take place in a relationship when one person starts to be - provocatively - too 'rational' and logical. It sounds like this might be a clever and good move, but excessive logic can constitute a kind of obtuseness all of its own.

FURTHER READING

“It seems odd at first to imagine that we might get angry, even maddened, by a partner because they were, in the course of a discussion, proving to be too reasonable and too logical. We are used to thinking highly of reason and logic. We are not normally enemies of evidence and rationality. How then could these ingredients become problematic in the course of love? But from close up, considered with sufficient imagination, our suspicion can make a lot of sense.
When we are in difficulties what we may primarily be seeking from our partners is a sense that they understand what we are going through. We are not looking for answers (the problems may be too large for there to be any obvious ones) so much as comfort, reassurance and fellow-feeling. In the circumstances, the deployment of an overly logical stance may come across not as an act of kindness, but as a species of disguised impatience.”

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CREDITS

Produced in collaboration with:

Creative Seed

Title animation produced in collaboration with

Vale Productions

[alvindzaki]

A: "I love you"
B : "Trigonometry"
A : "I want a divorce"

[thecitizenjoan]

“Is it possible that I’ve hurt or been neglecting you?” It’s takes a lot of humility to ask that for some people

[dutchjack]

This is absolutely mind blowing. My ex girlfriend split up with me saying I would belittle their worries and make them feel like their thoughts were unreasonable. We are both scientists, I thought the best approach would be to try and find a logical solution to their problems. So I would explain what I would do in the situation, almost like a scientific argument. I thought I was doing the right thing, trying to show I was taking their worry on board, but also trying to be pragmatic when the worry really wasn't rational. PEOPLE ARE VERY COMPLICATED!

[Abhishek-vzud]

When my gf shares her problem, she already knows how to fix it or the problem is not that big. All she wants is a feeling that I am beside her, no matter what. And, later in life i also realized that sharing my problems with her, even though she doest have a solution made me felt so much better. Her one line "You gonna make it" just dissolves 99% anxiety. And, if there is something we are not able to share directly, we play couple questions game "Lovify". Where we guess each others expectations and understand each other to form more stronger bond 💞

[oneohsix]

I find it helpful to ask my wife when she’s upset “are you wanting a solution or reassurance?” And she’ll often say she just needs a pep talk from me, so I encourage and comfort without trying to rationalize everything. She told me that if she’s worried about something and I try too much logic it feels like I’m trying to prove her wrong. Which is never the intent, but to me it makes sense to explain why there’s no need to worry. It’s something we learned after many fights over misunderstandings.

[mjmsdcs]

My partner and I are both logical in our day to day life and when we problem solve. It didn’t take long for us to realize that we needed to preface our illogical worries and insecurities with a simple “I just need you to sympathize on this one” and then talking things out with sympathy.

[selfiestick]

A phrase I love to say is “it’s illogical to assume people always act logically” or “it’s illogical to ignore people’s emotions when trying to predict their behavior” and I always felt the idea was incomplete... Loved this video, finally heard the idea in words and in full, saved and liked

[amadoga]

I think a good balance is nice. Being too logical can lead to the feeling of being misunderstood or our feelings not being heard and so on. However, saying only “it’ll be ok, I’m with you, I understand you” can feel like the partner isn’t interested in our problems and in trying to help. I think we should do both: emotionally comforting the person and giving some logic in support.

[abhaysharrma]

Most of the problems in any relationship or merely in friendship arise from the fact that most of the people are just not articulate enough to tell someone their feelings and thoughts at a given unparallel situation, We expect that they would just magically understand our inner ongoing contemporary thought.

[brycedoll]

This one definitely hurt. As an engineer and logistician I find it hard not to try to fix people’s problems when they present them. I wish I was more attuned to others emotions and didn’t always act so robotic when it comes to sympathy. I guess it does stem down to my childhood. When I had problems I was never emotionally comforted. I was told what to do and how to fix them. I feel my mind is so black and white and crunching numbers and calculations all day doesn’t help.

[BennyProductions]

So what do you do if you’re someone who 100% relies on logic and feels a disconnect with emotion overall?

[bradleyrees]

One of the best questions I’ve asked over the past few years is, “do you want me to listen or do you want solutions?” This puts my head in the right space as to what the other person needs from me in that situation

[ossen]

*Emotions are not logical.*
*We make emotional decisions and use logic to rationalize them.*

[merkospav]

Partner DESTROYS Love with fact and logic

[IAmzColbz]

I've always tried to abide by the golden rule, "treat others how you wish to be treated." The issue is, then I much rather have my partner work through a problem with me than just give me some sort of emotional support, which in turn leads me to think that others would prefer the same. I still have difficulty understanding that some people don't want a solution, but I'm getting there.

[sabana]

This video really saved my marriage. Before this, I would often just bring out philosophy textbooks whenever me and my wife got in arguments. Now I just say “am I hurting or neglecting you” and it cheers her right up! 😅

[val]

I'm very careful of being too logical. Whenever a friend or partner comes to me with issues I make sure I check myself and am being empathetic rather than trying to do what I see as helping by rationalising the situation. What I've learned works best is: be empathetic first, and if they ask for help with a practical solution, offer that.

[Mienarrr]

school of life is like that friend everyone needs who *always* has spot on advice

[abbyr]

This came at the right time. I am neurodivergent and my partner is not. I experienced an extreme amount of trauma through every stage of my life, and I had to deal with most all of that alone. As I got older, the only way I could function is looking at the facts from a distance, or else I would get so absorbed in my feelings and lose myself to the point that I couldn’t make good decisions when it mattered. Now whenever my partner gets mad or gets extremely emotional, I don’t know what to say sometimes because I don’t want to get absorbed in his emotions and don’t want to lose myself in my own fear. They’ve accused me of being a robot multiple times when we argue. I just never knew how else to handle myself. This video is so helpful and I am saving it to reference for later. Thank you for putting this out in the world.

[genericsidecharacter]

As an overly logical person, this is a very important video for me. I always feel like every problem can be solved simply by thinking about it logically and rationally and then following through.