What Is Your Attachment Style?

Attachment theory refers to a set of ideas formulated by psychologists in the 1960s that gives us an exceptionally useful guide to how we behave in relationships. Knowing whether we are secure, anxious or avoidant in our attachment patterns gives us a vocabulary with which to get on top of some very tricky dynamics and helps us grow into more predictable and more joyful companions in love.

FURTHER READING

“One of the greatest questionnaires in the history of 20th-century psychology had a modest start in the pages of a local Colorado newspaper The Rocky Mountain News in July 1985. The work of two University of Denver psychologists Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver, the questionnaire asked readers to identify which of three statements most closely reflected who they were in love.”

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CREDITS

Produced in collaboration with:

Julia Marchowska

[wheezetube]

Glad to know I'm avoidant, Now I can continue avoiding people while knowing the correct term for it

[kaiquesilva]

Just so y’all know... you can change and become secure. I was avoidant until I was 21, after that I pushed through the fear and let someone in, got pretty hurt which reinforced the avoidant feelings. During that period (21 to 26 years old) I was a mix of avoidant and anxious. It was annoying af bc I wanted relationships badly and the intimacy that entails but at the same time “people are so stupid and errr”. Then I realized I was stupid in my own ways and went on a journey to know myself and that made me understand others better and be ok with them and myself. I feel secure now, 27. There will be pain in any relationship, but suffering is optional. To make a long story short, you’re not set in stone, go to therapy, do the work required and set yourself free.

[aavya]

The options B and C has been interchanged after the first introduction. The square was said as option B and triangle as option C. Got me so confused. 😣

[mcleanephatha]

This video just called me Damaged for 6 minutes straight

[Ty-ubnc]

So instead of "hey girl, what's your sign?"
It's "hey girl, what's your shape?"

[naginiriddle]

You are not bad. You are not needy.

You have no idea how much I needed to hear those words. I often think so much about my anxious attachment, about my clingyness and neediness, but the way you put it here makes me feel a bit better.

[VlogCreations]

Why did you put abc in a box, turn them around, then randomly change the order

[ellara]

“You are hurt, not bad.”

Really needed this, thanks

[cycla]

School of life: no one is evil, everyone is just hurt, lonely or weak, disguising a damaged childhood with anger

[msharmony]

I have a secure attachment style who tried to date an avoidant recently (i didn't know about attachment styles before). I put up with him for over a year without even being in a distinctive relationship. It emotionally exhausted me so much because of the confusion and the frustration over the question why do they distant themselves everytime we get closer. This video finally removed my confusion and helped me understand their behaviour.

[callmeenzy]

"You're hurt, not bad" absolutely broke me. Whenever ppl tell me im a good person i simply reply with " i guess " or " no im not " i guess it was my way of never admitting that im hurting and saying im just a bad person wasnt so painful to say out loud.

[mics]

Oh Jesus the shapes are mixed up. I was so confused,

[imkabochan]

I've never related to a triangle so much in my life.

[soumaya]

If people understood this, break ups will be past history . It is so important to learn about ourselves and our partners attachement style. I finally solved the mysteries and the questions I had in my mind for so long.

[DanDanPlaysMusic]

Anxious + avoidant attachment from my avoidant perspective is questioning your own validity and walking on eggshells in conversations. Sometimes just shutting up cause you are too anxious you might upset them

[kathexinemae]

“When they attack you, see that they are longing for love.” I work with autistic children and anytime one breaks down over something trivial and I ask if they want a hug, they collapse into my arms and bawl. It’s both heartbreaking and heartwarming to know they both trust me and know I see their frustration.

[caroline]

imagine being able to just trust someone

[emit]

I'm avoidant, and my best friend is anxious. Weirdly, our friendship and different attachment styles has helped the two of us get closer to being secure. I know she needs signals of affection, so I go out of my way every now and then to do things that I normally wouldn't do in order to make sure she knows I care. Every time I do something like that it gets easier. And equally, she's grown to understand that time and space doesn't mean I don't love her, it's just that I'm overwhelmed and I need breathing room. It's a great case of opposites being good for one another, I think.

[MechakittenX]

I'm avoidant until I'm secure. I've never been anxious and being with an anxious partner always causes me to RUN. They often overwhelm me before I feel comfortable enough to open up more. It's baby steps being vulnerable and intimate for me and the fact I *am* getting closer is often overlooked by an anxious type. It's kind of exhausting. I'm never ever gonna be in a rush to say "I love you" because I want to feel deeply that I mean it.

[raymondAlt]

Being anxious with an avoidant partner: Just imagine being hungry all the time but you only get little crumbs once in a while and you sit there weak and starving but too scared to be annoying if you say you are malnourished and ask for enough food.