How to Be Certain About a Potential Partner - Esther Perel

Choosing a primary partner is a major life decision and we all want to feel sure about this choice. But, uncertainty is part of love and especially in the early stages of a relationship, so how do we manage this paradox?
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[Fallen_Venus]

My advice is don't rush into anything. The problem that occurs so often is people want a fast track to commitment before they really got to know the other, then it's hard once deeper feelings develop to admit you've made a wrong choice and be able to extract yourself. Take time dating. Ask questions. Observe and don't let your desire to be coupled, blind you.

[cristinalacoste]

Expecting certainty is keeping many of us from ever giving new relationships a chance.

[smittyshizzles]

"The certainty and the need for it is like a plague these days."

I notice this too! We want the comfort of knowing something like we know information from a text book. We want safe and instant gratification. Life isn't so cut and dry. The ability to relax, lean back and go with the flow takes strength and courage.

[TheDeysiRae]

Everything you say is such a giant help to my overall mental health.

[Nokss]

I wish alot of people will get this because it's so exhausting trying to be with someone who is hell bent on finding what's wrong with you to avoid being hurt instead of working with you to build something. Everybody has flaws, the people who want to be certain are the ones causing the unnecessary stress on relationships and ruin the flow of getting to know someone. I really find it a turn off...people don't want to date anymore they want a ready made package like two minute noodles.

[sweetf]

The way she sits. She’s comfortable and confident we herself.

[NadyaPena-]

love this answer. It's funny how many people are uncomfortable with not knowing things. Even when we know that we feel good with a person and nothing is wrong, we still find ways to worry (what if he/she is not "the one"?). Esther is so wise. Thank you!

[tizzlekizzle]

We are uncertain about the other person because we are uncertain about ourselves. our partners are great mirrors. the need to be certain is the need to control...usually from having deep insecurity and the inability to be vulnerable. try sitting with yourself for a few days, weeks, months...and observe...what makes you tick. be honest with yourself. can you be honest with yourself? if you can't that's a great place to start.

[Eyes-of-Horus]

Always take your time. You really have to get to know the other person before you make any decision about becoming intimate. The surest way to not to get to know another is to have a sexual relationship with that person too soon. That 3 date rule is ridiculous. After a few dates you need to take a look at what's happening between you two. You need to remember that both of you have emotional baggage that can easily get into the way from the experience. What happens so often is that a person will try to get around their own and the other's baggage by romanticizing and fantasizing about the other and the relationship. In these fantasies it is easy to "sweep under the rug" those behaviors and attitudes that can cause problems in a big way. For example, he may drink a bit too much and because you are young and are used to it you will make excuses for that behavior by saying things like, "It's only at parties" or "He has a few when he's tired (or tense)." It is obvious that can be a problematic behavior and you need to take note of it.

The thing to remember is that at the beginning of a relationship everyone is going to be on their "best" behavior. They want to be the kind of person that they think the other person wants. In reality, they are being the kind of person that they themselves want. In this behavior fantasies play a major role and we tend to see only those behaviors that fit those fantasies while disregarding all others.

We would all want to have a "fairy tale" relationship but that is not realistic and it is not possible. Here's something that they don't teach you in school. Eighty percent of people who marry will marry someone who is similar to their opposite sex parent, a sibling or themselves. Familial relationships will tend to be much the same throughout generations. They may be exactly the same or they will flip over and turn it around. Look at how your father acted toward your mother and your mother acted toward your father. Your marriage may be the same or it will flip over. Then, in the next generation it will flip back to the previous generation (grand parents' behavior patterns). If you had one parent raising you then look at your siblings and yourself for whom you're looking.

We all have these "search images" that we seek out for mating. These search images are made up of all of those we've been close to as friends and intimates as well as family behavior patterns, fantasies and genetics. The thing is much of this clouds our sense of reality. It is a fact that strong emotions cloud our judgement. They keep us from seeing things as they really are and we end up seeing things as we would like them to be.

Before you can have a strong intimate relationship with another you need to have a strong intimate relationship with yourself. One thing that can help in this daunting task is to take a look around at the people you have around you; both those you like and those you don't like. Everyone you have around you tells you something about yourself. Look at what each of them brings to your relationship. You'll see yourself in all of them. Learn from them and enjoy them.They're your teachers. Look at what it is you like or dislike about each of them. Then look into yourself. You may be surprised at what you'll find.

[emsagahon]

There's no "right" person for anybody, you have to work for a good relationship, basically anyone can be your "right" person if you both are willing to put in the work and struggle 😌

[TheAlreadytaken]

You will know your person.. even if you have issues or minor human doubt.. it's more than just feelings and emotions.. it's honesty.. passion.. intimacy.. trust.. you will feel safe.. valued.. loved.. you can share spiritual moments.. they are good influencers for you and your health.. they guide you.. and so much more.. you just feel nourished.. even if you are afraid or scared from past things .. just that reassurance and also that person will be healed and took time from past experiences to heal themselves so they can be good for you.. also you can be exactly the same to them.. a really good partner brings out the best in you and you will have human moments.. and grieving and many other challenges but your partner will love you or like you through all seasons of life.. mostly you will feel emotionally and mentally safe.. best feeling in the world..

[beth]

Wow.. this blew my mind. So basically I need to relax, loosen up a bit, give it a go and see what happens. Because I will never know otherwise, if I'm waiting for certainties.

[Schrumplet]

Brilliant. I struggled with wanting certainty. This is well articulated.

[sethodman]

Thank you Esther... I've slowly and painfully reached this conclusion unconsciously, but its so relieving to actually hear someone say the words! Keep up your amazing work.

[JoNordan]

Wow, what a relief hearing these words. I always thought I'm suppose to know and have many times felt guilty when having the uncertainty feelings.

[driverpls]

We worry way too much about making the right decision instead of playing out the game and seeing what happens. It is an adventure people!

[gracieish]

For me you find someone you like but love comes from you and that person..you will treat the one you like exactly the way you treat all those people whose been with you all your life your friends and your family and so will he. If you are a very selfish person and doesn't even try to understand anyone else's but only your needs .. I don't think you will find "the one" even if you find someone who truly cares for you ..it will not last. Love comes from us.

[CASD]

2019....binging on Esther’s vlogs before I make my next move🙌🏻

Esther Perel’s wisdom never expires!

[Onafeeltrip]

Ms. Perel, you are a gift to this world! Thank you for pursuing your calling. I truly hope you are feeling the gratitude you deserve.

[ATrueLoveOfficial]

Yes Maam, absolutely agree with you. There's no such thing as "the one". You will be the right person for each other if you want and will work hard on that. You need to become a team and achieve that one goal - build a great relationship.