4 Ways Childhood Impacts Your Love Style

Discover how childhood impacts love styles in this eye opening discussion between triple board certified neuropsychologist Dr. Judy Ho and MedCircle host Kyle Kittleson.Childhood is a big driver of love styles—also known as attachment styles. And love styles play a major role in the health of relationships - whether it's friendship, romantic relationships, or work relationships.

00:00 Intro
00:28 #1: Secure attachment style
13:57 #2: Dismissive avoidant attachment
28:29 #3: Anxious preoccupied attachment
41:53 #4: Fearful Avoidant attachment

#Relationships #MentalHealth #MedCircle #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthmatters #psychology #lovestyles #lovestyle

[Aminus]

My friend is securely attached. She’s always had beautiful communication and great healthy relationships. She’s the only person I’ve ever known to say “I loved my childhood.”

[kam]

Wow. Some memories suck. I broke my arm and my parents were in the middle of a meeting to have a new garage built. I remember it being very hard to get back across the street because it felt like my arm weighed a ton. I knew it was broken. When I got home my parents were talking to someone and told me to wait. Instead of asking me what was wrong or helping me, they continued with their meeting.

I had a life full of this kind of thing. I didn't make a connection with how I am in my relationships and how neglected I was, but it makes sense. My parents were just completely unaware that their kids had any wants or needs. I don't know why they had kids.

Abuse and neglect is one of the biggest traumas people can face. So many grow up with it.

[jh]

Dismissive Avoidants unite … separately at our own homes of course

[loukol]

Damn I think I'm fearful avoidant... I'm crying listening to this at work because I finally feel seen and not crazy inside my own head trying to navigate being around people. I'm so back and forth with people and my emotions, can highly relate to the clinginess with someone or cutting them off completely... wow. This was extremely eye opening for me. I love this channel so much.

[haileywatson]

When she mentioned caring for a child in an appropriate time frame, her example blew me away. When I was 5 I fractured my wrist and my mother told everyone that I was completely fine and refused taking me to the doctor. When I woke up the next day with a swollen arm she finally gave in. I had no idea that was common. But it absolutely effected my trust and feeling of safety with her. Didn’t realize it until I accidentally watched this video.

[NickIsMe]

Interestingly, I thought my parents' parenting style would raise a dismissive kid, since they always dismissed my emotions or need of attention, engraving into my head the idea that needing others is a sign of weakness and must be avoided at all costs. However, I turned out to be fearful avoidant instead of dismissive avoidant (I do have some serious BPD traits). My theory is that perhaps at some point during my childhood, I concluded that I must become independent to earn my parents' validation, but they acted dismissive nevertheless, so it caused a conflict in my mind: I really crave attention and validation, but at the same time I don't believe I can do anything to earn it, so I turned out to be both attention seeking and emotionally distant. Such conflict really messed up my emotion regulating ability, making me who I am today.

But as a friend told me, recognition is the first step toward the solution, so I hope I can make my way to where I can finally feel secure about my inner self.

[dianamorariu]

I really wish kids grew up learning this in school, it would save their own children when they finally grow up to have them. I believe that if my mother was aware of all this information, I would have had a much more healthy development. It could save lives.
Thank you for this presentation, it helps more than I could express in a comment!

[NONENONE]

At 18:45 he's so accurate. I think people with Dismissive style tend to have parents who frowned down upon emotion or saw it as weakness. Certainly was the case for me. Now I see any emotion from an adult and I cringe. That might help you get ahead in your professional life but causes a nightmare in your personal life.

[marieliswolfram]

My son 4.5 years says somtimes, "Mum I have the right to cry." I don't think I am dismisive, but some kind of traume due to the sound of crying, it's very diffucult for me to hear him, but he is so right. It really work to have the child to educate the parents from time to time. :) He is so self aware, I am super proud. Also I love you recommandations for anxious attachment style.

[yveqeshy]

First time I've heard a good reasoning behind the 'don't look at the baby after falling down because they'll start to cry' experience, essentially it's giving them a chance to pick themselves up and be OK, not being neglectful. Modulating your own emotions as the adult in the room when dealing with kids is really important in giving them a template for how to behave. I loved the tip on practicing these skills on daily menial encouters rather than waiting to show up for big moments

[surayaiffah]

"I'm here for you but i still want you to develop as a person"

[bekkaadair]

as the parent of three children, two of them twins, I can attest to the fact that children are all individuals and respond differently to similar situations/parenting styles. all three of mine are totally different in life and relationship. All three went to montessori pre school. one ran in and didn’t look back. one wanted me to walk him in and wanted to show me what he was working on before i left and one cried until Miss Rosie asked me to leave and would call me about 5/10 mins later to assure me he had shifted into a contented state and was happily participating in circle time. that is is the one who, as an 18 year old is still most apt to call me from college on any given day. the key here is to reveal your attachment style so you can grow yourself into a more emotionally regulated and thriving being but not getting stuck in victim mentality. being a parent has definitely given me perspective on my own parents and their places of strength and weakness as caregivers. parents are just people who also who had imperfect parents who also had imperfect parents.

[lalakuma]

This is the best description of fearful avoidant I've come across so far. I feel like fearful avoidant attachment style tends to be described as more extreme or someone who experienced abuse (I did not), which is why I questioned whether I actually have it. This makes perfect sense to me. I think I tend to pull away or get closer as I learn more about the person I'm interacting with, because to me it's the other person that comes across as unpredictable. But maybe other people expect you to always behave the same way towards them? But I also have a small group of friends that I've been really close to for over a decade, so it is possible for me to have close long-term relationships, even though my friends aren't necessarily more securely attached than me.

[boostmobile]

Useful information. Thanks. Some people do NOT HAVE Personal Friends to lean on to have discussions about this stuff. & Some people do NOT HAVE Family members to talk to. 😥😥

[DezaRay]

Transracial adoptee here and I’m DEFINITELY the last one to a T!! I was abused in every way possible by my adoptive parents, yet also used as their token to show others what good Christian people they were for adopting a black baby. I also have C-PTSD, anxiety, depression, hyperventilate af, and have major abandonment issues. Everything you said fit me! 😩

[misse]

This was SO AMAZING! She explained everything so well, I finally fully understand this! I've heard this explained by several people and I always felt like I I could allllmost grasp it.
Kyle asked the exact questions I was thinking and Doc answered them so Eloquently
Thank you 🙏

[shrinkelizabeth]

I behave in a very avoidant-dismissive way, but I'm internally very emotional and want to be able to connect emotionally with others. I just feel ashamed and wish I could take it back the moment I share anything vulnerable with others....even if that person is like, my literal therapist whose job it is to listen to me express emotions. I think I'm scared I'll be too much for others to handle. Then when others look to me for emotional support, I want to provide it for them, but it always winds up coming out awkward and differently than how I intended. It doesn't make sense. It's so hard trying to figure out why I'm like this. I don't feel comfortable saying this in these terms to my therapist to work through it, and I don't know if the problem is the therapist isn't right for me or if I'm 100% the problem.

[brusselsprout]

As a parent I was young and very insecure in the role. These descriptions help me to see where I have succeeded and where I have failed. The biggest failure was not giving my son more instructions on what to expect and about what was going on. He had to figure a lot out himself, not to the point of neglect but too often he was left on his own to figure things out. Dismissing his negative feelings, though, was never something I did. He is entitled to have them as long as they don’t consume him. And as an I haven’t seen that they do. As a child I was not allowed to show negative emotions. My mother took them personally and emotionally. As parents most try to be an improvement from their own childhood. This discussion has helped me to see I have been, and I can see that through my adult son. Thank you, from an insecure parent, for helping me to feel better about it all. 🤔💜👍🏻

[amycuaresma]

There can be a deep loneliness that comes from not having a family that has your back. I hope you can find supportive people who show up for you.

[JXM]

I have the anxious preoccupied attachment style, might be borderline fearful attachment, but this hits home and I'm glad that I found this video because one day I want to be a parent and need to know what I should look out for with what I contribute to my child's growth. I feel like every day my self identity is getting stronger, but I feel like it's because i thrust myself into doing things that scare me like being alone. Eating alone, walking alone, trying to embrace freedom of being independent has made such a difference in my life. If it wasn't for my current partner, he has avoidant anxiety and we both recognize we don't mesh well if we give into our dark habits, I wouldn't be looking into a leadership position in my career.

Do the things that scare you and recognize the person you are so you can become a better you. I give this video a 5 star recommendation!