Don't Get Defensive - Do this Instead

Getting defensive is something we do at times - for some of us, a lot of the time. And regardless of why we feel defensive, the truth is, it's not good for us or our relationships.
In this talk we're going to go over why we get defensive and what steps we can take when we're triggered so we don't act out in a defensive way, and instead, an emotionally mature one.
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[AHeartForHomeEducation]

“Defensiveness is pushing back; assertiveness is holding your ground”. Love it!!

[antonellahuron]

a saying that has helped me: "if you know your worth, you won't need to protect it"

[terrijamison]

Selective non engagement is my favorite! Don't give away your energy to everyone! Great video!

[jmfs]

I have an OCPD manager at work, and he makes everything terrible and slow. Today I mentioned taking an entry level project and assigning it to an intern, and I said it in front of him and our director. The OCPD guy said "He is always trying to not to work." with a smirk. I don't want to be defensive, but this guy is a career killer. I responded, "No, it would make a good entry level project for interns, and free us up to do more advanced level work." I'm upset, and I don't want to be. The good thing is that the new director told us a year ago that we should be freeing ourselves of entry level work to move onto advanced work. So I didn't invent the expectation.

But dang, I just want to let go of the frustration and rumination. I get home some days and I just can't stop telling him off in my head, and I just don't want to care at all. I want to save my energy and health. I want to focus my energy on all the COOL STUFF in the world, rather than this guy who is as tedious and about as useful as poorly-translated stereo instructions. I am telling myself to at least get up and away from staring at a screen. Exercise, clean the kitchen, make some hummus, make art, journal, do the advanced work I enjoy.

and I don't want to be angry at myself for being angry at toxic behavior. I want it all to just drift away from me.

[chrishorbatt]

"Get curious about it" and "what are you making that mean to you" seem to be universal coping skills!

[roxanneelsey]

"Consider the source"was a huge eye opener for me. Thank you for one of the best videos yet!!

[captaindan]

One of the four agreements is "Don't take anything personally." I couldn't help but think of this during this video.

[JSS]

i love those ”agreeing” examples 😅 it’s kind of a great comeback to throw the judger off guard and be condescending right back

[smyrnasstory]

“Return evil for evil to no one. Take into consideration what is fine from the viewpoint of all men. If possible, as far as it depends on you, be peaceable with all men”

[anbathanga]

This video is so good that I listened to it again today. The pointer that struck me most: One must consider the source of the trigger. That will help one decide on a proper course of action (e.g. walk away, just agree without resisting, level up etc.) instead of becoming defensive. Facinating! 😊

[laurenb.]

Gonna try out the "selective non-engagement". Sometimes this is the best option! 🙏

[laurimitchell]

Thank you for just telling us that we are not bad. I feel horrible for alienating people in my life with my defensiveness.

[lttlod]

I watched this video twice this morning before I went to work. I can't tell you how much this helped me today. It's interesting when I just chill out and don't take things personally, I get the help I need. I could tell my principal saw me as more approachable and was willing to help me. It's like I know the right things to say and do but I have to hear it and reflect on it to be able to put it into practice. I can't thank you enough for making this content. I'm saving it to my fave list for sure
: )

[valeriegubitosi]

My name is Valerie and I'm fairly new to your channel but certainly not self growth. I have to say that I absolutely LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your teachings and your approach! Wow! You are AMAZING. Thank you for sharing your knowledge in the manner that you do. I'm reminded and enlightened everytime I tune in! So happy I found your channel. Looking forward to becoming a member of The Shift Society. 👍

[niaselah]

It is hard when you have spent your life in abusive enviroments. By what you say I realized I was being assertive but became defensive when that didn't work. What do you do when doing the healthy thing is not enough? How do we reconcile this teaching with creating awareness of abusive behavior?

A good example can be seen in the movie Moxie. A guy is harassing the new girl. Another girl tells her not to get mad, that he is like that, that he does it to others and all she has to do is keep her head down until he moves to someone else. The new girl replies: But why should I ?

In 13 reasons why, a character who was abused is told she is very resilient, to which she answers: isn't resilience another way of tolerating abuse?.

I mention movies because people can see it for themselves instead of personal situations that don't allow that but in my experience society still has a very similar narrative to the abuser or an abuse serving / enabling narrative. When someone speaks up they are shamed for being a victim and told to grow a thicker skin. Other times you are invalidated by being told that you are triggered. You could be in a safe situation and something triggers you but you could be in the same sort of situations and though there are triggers, the source is not in the past but the current experience

[sherleadony]

Great video for someone with bipolar disorder II. I struggle with fight or flight response during manic periods (choosing fight). Two takeaways for me are non engagement, which requires me to think before I act (the breath). Sounds simple and is in good times, and I like the phrase “non engagement”. When I’m feeling well, it’s easy for me to agree with a sarcastic or negative comment because I can turn it back to the person who said it. I appreciate you more than words can say!

[mohitjain]

great explanation. thanks for sharing.

[cpruns]

My absolute FAVORITE thing to do in this world is to not get defensive but more than that you don't understand that the person is being condescending. When someone talks down to me I just take it 100% and pretend I don't notice. Then they double down and then again and I have actually drove people to mental breakdowns (for real) because I never give them the satisfaction. When you go into a situation and a person comes after you and you just let it slide off it DRIVES THEM CRAZY. If you play your cards right, you can actually drive them over the edge. It can take months or years but it's super fun. It becomes a game and once you tear someone down the first time it becomes addicting. The best part, you can never get called out. What are they going to say "He is always too nice". LOL. The moment you feel yourself getting defensive you now have an opponent. Turn it into a game and break them down piece by piece, comment by comment:)

[NFSMAN]

Hello my friend😊 thank you for this video, I am guilty of getting defensive when criticized. I'm learning how to handle my emotions better. Happy Holidays!!

[jeffreypollan]

Thank you, Julia. Your videos are like a ray of sunshine.