The Real Reason People Get Defensive

Most people think they are standing up for themselves when they're defending themselves to someone because they think that person is completely wrong about them - but that's not true. The real reason people get defensive either at work on in any of their relationships may just blow your mind.
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[AbdullahArRafi]

"If you think you haven't done anything wrong, there's nothing to defend. If you think you have done something wrong, there's nothing to defend!"
This quote really resonated with me, Julia! As always, this video is more than awesome!

[nikstar]

I recently let go of a friendship (only a few years but I felt we were kindred spirits) after I’ve been finally finding my voice in the last 18 months at 45. My ‘friend’ of just a few years off and on let me down big time for the 3rd time and did initially apologise profusely, however, I expressed it did actually upset me this time and why, trying my hardest to do it to it in a candy coated, kind, diplomatic, empathetic, caring and communicative way (like I do with all my other close childhood girlfriends who are truly there for me and we always work anything out). Well, she became really defensive. Like how dare I be “upset and cold”.. The level of defensiveness was such a game changer for me suddenly and she actually took her apology back, tried to turn it around and then acted like the victim of all things. After a lot of therapy and self worth work, I feel it was the right decision and am feeling really empowered by being honest about it and actually going with my gut feeling, having boundaries and actually implementing them for safe and healthy 2 way friendships. Thanks to anyone who reads this and is working on themselves too, it’s tough!.. lots of positive vibes to everyone from Australia! Xx INFP ❤️🙌

[HalieDay]

Whoa! When you said “I’m going to go ahead and leave that judgment with you” that hit me...I love that. Julia always nails it. Thank you ❤️

[positivelypositive]

This is so insightful. I struggle with being defensive. I take it so personal. Being defensive is a communication killer!

[kathleenbrady]

The idea that shame is what's lurking beneath defensiveness was really helpful. Also, learning self compassion helps give more stability

[jacquelineberns]

Excellent Julia, step back, reflect, make amends if you want a relationship back.

[candicegejing]

I guess there is also a difference when you get defensive because you are fearful of something wrong with yourself versus you feel shameful that you are judged in the wrong way. Shame from others is the situation when we want to defend ourselves and I feel there is a huge difference between shame from others and shame from ourselves. What I often observe is that if you don't defend yourself and point out the flaw in the logic of the person who judged you, you will get judged again and again by this person which is annoying.

[sonjiavowell]

Wow, this really hit home. Whenever my husband and I are out, sometimes I get criticized because I'm not doing what everyone else expects for me to do. I'm a private person and I've learned that there's nothing to defend.

[kp]

I feel defensive when my feelings are being invalidated and unheard.

[TheBelenroxx]

I used to feel defensive now that I’ve learned reassess how I react and get comfortable with the uncomfortable, it’s been a peaceful life now ♥️

[valentinanocross]

Simply the reminder to take a breath and think and be curious about it and basically everything

[claireconway]

I'm on the wait list 😊 The part of this video that resonated with me is when you said "if they are wrong, there's nothing to defend, if they are right there's nothing to defend, there's just taking responsibility". I also found the shame part of defensiveness very relevant to my journey. I didn't realise that I was experiencing shame when I become defensive. A therapist once told me that when you become defensive, it's very hard to benefit from the feedback you're receiving and so you can't learn and grow from it if you refuse to receive it. I was told by quite a few people when I was in my twenties, that I become easily defensive.

[edwardschwenk]

I put up with people even into my forties criticising me, telling me that I'm doing things wrong, and that they are going to tell me that they don't like what I'm doing. You're damn right I get defensive now, and I don't put up with it. If they don't like something about me that's too bad for them. This has nothing to do with shame. It's got to do with me being fed up with douchebags trying to force their BS onto me. Whatever "calling out" is I don't care. They can go to he'll.

[cristinadiaz]

Shame is a tough feeling to unpack and you explained the horrible, icky feelings and discomfort very well. More about tackling shame would be awesome.

[paulinewhalen]

It took me a long time to learn that there is nothing to defend and to walk away from negative comments and unwanted advice

[brentcastro]

You're incredible, Julia. Always great energy

[beerman]

This is good stuff. Remember that someone’s opinion of you is none of your business.

[spiritualseeker]

I never thought someone would explain the complexities of human defenses so deeply! Respect to psychology and people who understand it so well and help others with their shadows!

[kaydouglass]

This clarifies so much for me.. I struggle with this and have been told this many times, actually lost jobs because of it.. where were you 10 years ago… thank you so much 🥰

[skyedreams]

This is really good. I’m in AA, on page 417 of the Big Book is a paragraph that would compliment this topic-“And Acceptance was the answer to all of my problems today”🦋