10 Signs You May Come From An Enmeshed Family

[thomasbattle]

Okay, so I don’t even know what to say anymore. I’m almost afraid to click on your videos now. You keep providing me with the tools I didn’t know existed to heal. It hurts hearing about yourself in such lucid detail when all the while you thought you were all alone stuck inside. Thanks Heidi.

[laurelrose]

I grew up in a family where boundaries were seen as arrogant and rude.

[FigureOnAStick]

1. An extreme sense of guilt/shame deviating from family culture
2. You struggle to differentiate whose feelings are whose when you get close to someone
3. You tend to suppress thoughts/feelings/opinions that differ from those around you
4. You tend to operate under a false social mask because you feel ashamed of being different from someone else
5. Family of origin has a strong us vs them mentality
6. You don't express your needs, try to anticipate the needs of others and resent when others fail to reciprocate your attempted mind-reading
7. You struggle to understand what a boundary is
8. When your family offers you support, they are actually creating a line of dependency
9. You view keeping quiet about disfunctional/abusive behavior as a sign of love
10. You find it threatening to see people act in a secure way

[DSS]

When you mention that enmeshment is often generational, I feel like the reason for that is so much deeper and more sinister than we realize. For people who grow up without properly recognizing and processing their enmeshment trauma, having their own kids and enforcing their own enmeshed system is their way of releasing a lifetime of pent up feelings of lack of emotional autonomy. They then pass on this idea to the next generation that "the only acceptable way to be emotionally autonomous in life is to have children and dictate THEIR emotional state."

[joshboomer]

Great video Heidi. I am in a relationship with my wife who comes from an enmeshed family. I’ve been to counseling, I’ve tried to show my wife these types of videos and nothing could get through to her. Just recently, she asked me for a divorce. Her reasoning is that I am not a core member of her family and my outside the family relationships are hurting her family members since I am not a 100% participant with their family vacations, parties and get togethers. I love her very much, but at the end of the day she needs someone to be close to while she is living her life with her family. All attempts to beg her to grow within our marriage were met with hostility. Listening to you speak on this subject has been very helpful to make me realize that I am not the cause of our marriage’s collapse. Thanks again Heidi!

[colleenreed]

A prime example of enmeshment in my family happened when I told them I was moving to Chicago from rural PA. (My half-brother also moved to LA when he came of age.) My dad reported the phone he got for me a few years ago while I was in college as lost or stolen. He also reported the junker car he gave me for 2500 from 2001 in 2018 as stolen when I moved an hour away to live with my partner. "Oh, you can always come stay with us if you need to." Yeah, well, I'd rather not.

[nata]

This video reminds me of all the Asian cultures, where children are seen as an extension of parents. I knew my family dynamic was toxic, but I didn't have a name for it until now. My mum would bully me or lecture me into making decisions that she would have made herself. I remember feeling incredibly suffocated during childhood, I desperately wished to grow up asap so I could finally have agency and breathe, doing whatever I wanted without having to be cross-examined, justifying myself, or lying to escape interrogation

[ipmbhjf]

Finally a word to describe my family dynamic. My parents are highly narcissistic and I’m finally accepting that I just can’t interact with them anymore. I need to be my own person.

[ayesha]

One person's feelings are the number one responsibility aka the most mentally ill person in the house is setting the rules

[beth]

Ugh I was in a 10 year relationship with someone and this describes their family exactly. Had to end the relationship because my partner brought the enmeshed rules to our relationship as well. Terrible toxic dynamic with this person. I felt invisible. If I set a boundary or had a different opinion I was either verbally abused or given the silent treatment. Loyalty was ALWAYS to their family of origin and their family “could do no wrong”. Finally got out and started my own healing around allowing this BS dynamic. I never knew families like this existed. It’s cult-like for sure. Compassion for anyone who has suffered through this family dynamic and I applaud you for seeing it and wanting to heal from it. Takes courage!

[katiebee]

I don’t know what is worse; being caught up in the enmeshment or realising something isn’t right *while you are still a child*
If you don’t realise you are going to take on those unhealthy traits as an adult
If you do realise and call it out you risk becoming the family scapegoat
If you understand both of the above you don’t trust your parents and have to play your part in what you know to be pantomime which is just bizarre and ick. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[hectorg]

Holly shit. That sense of guilt hits home hard (like my dad lol). My dad was super controling and would get mad fast. I sometimes felt like i never got to know my true self because he always kept getting mad. I jave a lot of anxiety because of that.

[sommer.rain]

Thank you for this. I’m honestly feeling pretty disgusted, sad, angry and frustrated right now. I feel like I was robbed of healthy love. I know I can heal and create a secure attachment for myself and I do have hope. But there’s definitely a part of me that’s very depressed and ruminating. Trying to calm that part of me and support myself.

[hc]

4:33 1: The enmeshed family culture punishes you for deviating from it. Children are extensions of the parents' egos. Differentiation of family members is unacceptable, and met with rejection or silence.
Being an individual is not okay.

8:26: 2: You struggle to separate whose feelings are whose when you are in close relationship with someone.

11:10 3: You naturally inhibit any opinions or ideas you have that contradict that of those around you

14:03 4: You operate from a false social mask most of the time, because feelings of difference make you feel intense shame. You're inauthentic.

15:27 5: Your family of origin has a strong us-vs-them mentality

17:53 6: You struggle to voice your needs, so you tend to anticipate others' needs - without asking them - and become resentful when they do not naturally reciprocate the same for you.

19:41 7: You struggle to understand what a boundary is.

21:52 8: When you're offered support, advice, or encouragement by your family, it's usually offered in the form of continuing your dependency instead of empowering you. You enjoy the thought of others needing you.

24:55 9: You have a "no-talk" rule: you believe that keeping quiet about someone's dysfunction or problematic behaviour is a sign of love.

27:01 10: You find secure ways of relating difficult or even threatening.

29:30 Conclusion

[MasterfHamsters]

I'm (anxious-leaning) still recovering from a past relationship where even though I loved her (dismissive avoidant), she set "boundaries" around what pet names I was not supposed to use, "boundaries" around me not expressing my need for intimacy, all whilst I was completely unaware of what her needs were, even though I asked. It seemed as though I knew what she didn't want, but never what she actually wanted. Conversely, I was completely oblivious of what boundaries I could have (I still am) and really shied away from expressing my needs. Of course, this spiralled out of control with both of us being severly triggered, left mutually abandoned not having our needs met and often our boundaries stepped over. One with a fear of being abandoned, the other with a fear of being engulfed. I wish we were more sincere about these feelings. I wish we had access to this kind of tools. Thank you for what you do.
I wish you all don't lose your life over a certain love, and also that you don't lose the love of your life.

[scheitahnberg]

I didn't even understand this term going in, only to find how many boxes my family checks off by the end of the video. My biggest problem was always that my mother parroted all the right encouragements, but actual behaviour day to day communicated the opposite. "of course you can tell me how you feel" except you 100% cannot.

[MisterFanwank]

I found that people being curious about what I was doing always came as looking for reasons to tear down what I was doing. I have very little idea how to engage with people on anything that matters to me without feeling like I'm being scrutinized by a devil.

[incensejunkie]

This is excellent information and I can heartily say, "yes!" It's odd my family was very enmeshed yet also very distant. No real intimacy or affection at all. In some ways I feel that distance was a way to set some kind of "boundary" when we couldn't.

I've been working on this for some time (as in years) and can see now how dysfunctional it all was. I've improved significantly with therapy and my own study of trauma, family systems and attachment. I had just thought this was of a certain generation (parents had both lived through the Depression and you just help people out in whatever way you can) but it took some time to realize the deeper issues there.

Thanks and keep up the great work!

[YasminFilms]

Every time I watch these videos I rush to subscribe, then realise I'm already subscribed, so I like the video, then I feel like I should unsubscribe just so I can resubscribe again because it's such a gem of a channel

[AvocadoRoyalty]

As a wife of 30 years to a husband who is enmeshed with his family it is pure hell, the family has total control over him & his life despite the fact he has a family of his own, he’s been so brainwashed for his whole life that he’d dump me & his children & everything he owns before he’d become an independent individual.

I end up being the person who receives all his anger & frustrations from his family control sometimes I simply say hey, what you think let’s have tacos tonight for dinner & he becomes angry saying I’m always controlling him & maybe he doesn’t want tacos.

I’m like omg really, but it’s because the pressure & toxic family dysfunction has him frustrated but he’s clueless as to how to have a family but also have independence & a life separate from them.

Unfortunately for me because of my religious beliefs & obligation I have to carry my cross & learn to disconnect from the emotional connection which should exist but it can’t he’s already married to his family.