10 Signs You May Have A Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style

[KarenNLee]

You know you're fearful avoidant when you have really close "best friends" for years that have never been to your house, or don't know your family or anything you actually like.

[ZiliaVing]

Signs:
1. You crave intimacy but fear commitment
2. You ricochet between over and under taking responsibility
3. You don't feel deserving of a healthy relationship
4. You want other people to be vulnerable before you are
5. Rationality and emotion are unintegrated for you
6. You are highly aware of power dynamics at all times
7. Your inconsistent emotions makes decision-making difficult
8. You read other people really easily
9. You are frequently "upregulated" + chasing highs
10. You love hard but struggle to make room for relationships

[notreallyici]

For me personally, I don’t really identify with the - “if I commit, I lose my independence.” But how I know I’m fearful avoidant is the intense wanting of intimacy but then running away as soon as I get anything close to it. My personal fear is that if anyone gets too close (and I get vulnerable) they’ll see what’s really wrong with me like everyone else and then leave. So I always leave in the superficial stages or unconsciously push people away by being cold. I want to feel safe but everyone feels unsafe and at the same time I’m not worthy. I completely relate to the part where I can put on a good show and pretend I’m normal, and then people are always taken aback when I eventually withdraw, but they want more from me. I’ve had people beg me to go on another date and I felt bad but too afraid.

Honestly I sometimes go about this way with friends too, hot and cold. I used to not be able to hang out with anyone for more than 2 hours without wanting to gnaw my arm off. I felt like I was going to go insane. And it’s that same feeling of I really want to be friends with people and experience the closeness and enjoyment of having friends, but I need alone time and I think I have a subconscious fear of being found out that I have nothing to give. I also generally feel emptier comparatively to everyone else.

ALSO, when I really like someone I go between intensely liking them and being like “I want them” to going analyzation mode being like “they’re not good for me for XYZ reason and this is never going to work out.” I also go between crying in between seeing someone and then being incredibly detached + having a self-inflated ego + hyper-independence to protect myself.

Anyways, I hope all the fellow fearful avoidants find the self-love and external love they need to heal. Pls go see a therapist and even if we all feel better off by ourselves, I hope we can be happy. If anyone wants to start a singles collective, I’ll be there probably LOL.

[binaboop]

I laughed out loud when she said that they want an emotionally close relationship where "they don't have to compromise absolutely anything". Daaaamn. I didn't realize that is what I was doing, or that it was a defense mechanism. It really hit the nail on the head about my behavior in past relationships. The thought that I could compromise and give a little without giving up all wasn't even on my radar. It was always "It's my way or the highway", like... I thought it was just having standards... but I can see now that I was unwilling to give up control because I didn't want to become enmeshed and lose my internal sense of regulation and control. Wow. Looks like I've got a bit of work to do, but I now have a place to start.

[StephensSays]

I have genuinely learned more in this hour-long video than in my 15 years of on-and-off therapy. Thank you.

[lionatticus]

When you started talking about the ball of pureness, I started tearing up. There is a sense of not being deserving, and my sense of emotional gravity does go back and forth. I’m constantly trying to “be better”, and I don’t know how to just show up. I must be giving of myself at all times, and that is why we deactivate during emotional distress because we’re not showing up as perfect.

[majaza]

If someone is interested in me at first I feel flattered and curious but then I think “No…this isn’t good. Abort abort!” And then again being open to the possibility and back to “please leave me alone”. The constant back and forth is exhausting.

I must add just in case someone could relate. I grew up with an alcoholic dad that I both loved/feared and wanted to be close to/away from. I have learned this has affected me in more ways than I’ve realized.

[djenning]

This is the best, most thoroughly explained and detailed explanation of the fearful avoidant that I’ve seen on YouTube. The generous number of comparisons against the other attachment styles is super enlightening and very educational. I found this very helpful in understanding myself better.

[adhillA]

As someone who identifies strongly with this, I have found another interesting side effect: it makes getting medical support for complex issues very difficult. This is because when I experience a new symptom, I become worried about it and get activated, and the whole process of making a doctor's appointment goes on in an activated state. However, when I reach the doctor's surgery, the act of getting support relaxes me into a deactivated state (a sort of placebo effect I guess), so I no longer have access to the emotions and triggers that caused me to make the appointment in the first place and I often end up questioning and doubting myself and being unable to really describe my symptoms when asked by the doctor.

[sandrat]

My ex-boyfriend is fearful avoidant and I was secure until his withdrawal started, then I started becoming anxious. We're at 5 weeks no contact. Loving someone like this is like loving two completely different people. When he's somewhat regulated, or in his anxious side, he's the man of my dreams. We're great together and I wanna marry him. When he's deactivated he's totally cold and invalidates our entire relationship. His reaction to the slightest hesitation from me is to panic and bail, even though he's the one causing the anxiety with his inconsistent behaviour. Honestly, I feel sad for him cause I know the childhood trauma where this all stems from, but I also can't sacrifice myself and keep being treated like this. The discard is the same as dating a narcissist. It will take a lot of therapy for him to heal, and he's not aware enough to realize how much he's sabotaging his own happiness yet.

[divyapuliani]

Could absolutely relate to confusion between "I don't know if I was toxic or if my partner was toxic" and extreme confusion whether the relationship was right or not, years after ending the relationship inna deactivated state!

[Thriving_in_Exile]

Oh _boy_ does #2 hit home. "Am I the abuser or am I _being_ abused?" Juggling feelings of both guilt and mistrust is a hell of a thing.
Yeah, for the longest time I was convinced I had an anxious attachment style, but after watching this,

[tanookipower]

Never have I ever felt so understood and called out😂

[abbieclement]

oh my god. "The anxious avoidant will deal with that pain, chase that high in a slightly more extravagant way. So they just had a break up - they'll go travel the world for 6 months". Me, sitting here in eastern Europe as a digital nomad with my mouth open for this entire video, facing my own toxicity head on for the first time.

[davidansi]

Just imagine an INFP with a Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style. "What is wrong with me?" becomes an everyday song.
But then videos like this give the assurance that it can be worked on.
Thanks, @Heidi Priebe

[ceniabelinebahnsen]

Heidi, you are insanely skilled at what you do! I have studied psychology at some of the best universities in the world and no professor or academic book - I have come across - explain these psychological patterns as well as you. Keep going ❤

[exhibitD]

I feel like you just opened me up and showed me my insides while I was awake on the operating table

[_bluephoenix_]

Being fearful avoidant with cptsd has me feeling I'm on a backwards, out of control merry-go-round.
I always second guess what I'm feeling... 😢 I've thought I'm going literally mad that no-one else understood just how hard EVERYTHING was for me.

Finally putting everything in the right context and addressing each thing, Thanks to Heidi, has been phenomenal. I feel guilty for getting such great therapy for free!!! 😂

[TheTransparentAgentYaz]

Wow! I thought I was anxiously attached for a long time, but I knew I never called multiple times or text continuously. I’d pridefully cut people off. I’m recently learning that I’m fearful avoidant and it’s allowing me so much more insight!

[lizwes]

OH MY GOSH. I just had to stop the video because your examples of oscillating between being super reactive and then really self reflective and feeling disgusted with yourself (like what was i thinking?) Really resonated with me. Thank you so much for explaining this attachment style in detail!