Are YOU people pleasing or are YOU manipulating people? #peoplepleaser

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[foreversweaterweather]

As an empath I'm constantly trying to make the people around me content and calm because I don't want to have to feel their unpleasant emotions if they're unhappy in any way. So this definitely makes sense to me. Even though I know it's not my responsibility to be in charge of others emotions I feel like I have to be simply so I don't have to suffer the consequences.

[mrybird]

This is exactly how I would describe it, I am in stress until whoever is in my presence, is at least happy or content.

This developed from a violent childhood where I learned I could make people around me either laugh or feel taken care of as a means of avoiding violence from these people being in any kind of bad mood.

[gaurs]

yes it the same here i used to deal with this feeling like a chamaleon just in general super seeking constant attention U& even validation and even feeling like jus yes seeking so much from the external. world from everyone else

[hallieshouse]

I think it depends on your response if you don’t manage it. Feeling someone’s insecurity around you is very unsettling. Then, the people pleaser thinks it’s personal, but it’s just uncomfortable to be around

[michele]

Yes-ish. It's different type of manipulation because the person on the receiving end is benefiting from the people pleaser's actions or inactions, they're not being harmed and they're willing participants. And the people pleaser isn't trying to dominate or control the other person and may not even be aware of their people pleasing. The same can't be said about a toxic person who's manipulative.

[gamerookie]

Sometimes people with severe trauma and co-dependency issues will actually rely on helping others only to feel secure and safe within themselves, without actually making any real changes. People pleasing is not automatically consider manipulation, but if the behavior is maladaptive, and you’re not making changes yourself, then it’s not healthy. BPD is a great diagnosis that explains this well. That constant push and pull. A person overly trying to help someone in order to avoid the feeling of abandonment.

In most cases with people pleasing, this does not happen just so everyone is clear. :)

[dianemorrell]

People pleasing is a sign of early trauma?

[Yukiasmr]

I’ve been thinking about toxic positivity a lot lately and I feel it relates to this. People want you to appear to be happy all the time so they feel comfortable and if you’re not then you’re bad vibes. I don’t think we should necessarily look for the good in everything sometimes bad things happen and that’s ok we shouldnt go through life think we’ll never be sad. but i do look for the humor in things and I often find it.

[Soo_Blessed]

Never ever have I thought about it this way and I'm 71 years old and you're right I need calm so I continually run around and referee trying to keep people calm and I never realized it was for me I always thought it was for them because I hate a conflict so I didn't want them to be in conflict

[James-bcoh]

I've been people pleasing for years, but I never looked for any kind of recognition or praise for doing things for people, it's people taking advantage of our good nature that's life now

[hzlgry]

my ex helped me realize I was completely unaware that I did that

[swordsnorchids]

I don't mind the dark side of life and the sadness cause I find beauty and peace in it too.

[MarcosAvila-xrhu]

I'd say I'm a people pleaser too

[ellenkletzkin]

Hi Kati
When you say “manipulative “ what exactly do you mean? I tend to make someone laugh in the first 5 minutes of meeting…if they laugh or continue to chat//talk perhaps the convo will go another 5 mins. If the conversation seems to hit a wall well bye bye… and that can be from either person.

[unboundbytiffany]

I remember being so triggered first hearing people pleasing being called manipulative. But really manipulation isnt a good thing, i cant think of any time it is. Using a different word or even phrase/definition heck anything would make this more legitimate to me, like - preventing more issues and problems for myself and others, because its not always for myself otherwise isnt it called self pleasing? I people please because i literally want to please others. Its not manipulating or selfish. I mean technically everything we do and say is 'manipulation', literally manipulation of anyone and everything around us, whether we get what we hope for out of any moment in life is not the point, but we all are constantly "manipulating" our own surroundings with every single thing we do and dont do. So I think this idea is honestly just ridiculous. But meh, maybe it just triggers me still because i dont people please for myself, in fact i know I usually will end up regretting trying to please others i care about but i do so anyways because i genuinly am hoping to please them. For them. I mean is being nice to strangers manipulative because it makes us feel good to do nice things for others? Then i guess any decent human being is manipulative? Well then. Doesn't that just turn the world upside down. Hahahaa sorry this idea is all just bologna. It serves no purpose and unless anyone can explain the point in calling people pleasing manipulative, then yup im going to continue thinking how bologna this entire thing is. Some things just dont need to be constantly put into a generalized box, labeled and shipped off through social media/yt. IMO. :)

[realdeal]

Girl bye! Don't turn kindness for sickness 💯!. ...

[evelynmatt]

People pleasing is a trauma response not a manipulation. I don’t know what your trying to say. Maybe give more clarification please!?

[queerantine]

I dont think it's actively nanipulative or even conscious but it ties into traumatic childhood experiences. I do do things for people so they feel good so i can feel food abd then ferl frustrated when it diesnt go right