People-Pleasing Is a Controlling Behavior That Ruins Relationships

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Most traumatized individuals who engage in people-pleasing THINK they are "just making people happy." But there's a dark side to this behavior that's manipulative, alienating and isolating. Hear why people-pleasing can't work, and what to do to change.
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[JonathanMulderMarston]

Oh my gosh. This video is a great example of why I love your content CCF! While it is good to understand the origin of my challenges with cptsd (childhood abuse, etc) - you teach me how to examine the role I play in my life - and what to do about it.

Like with people pleasing. I could tell that at least some people really didn't like it. I also felt like a big phony always agreeing with people, or back pedaling on opinions if others disagreed with me.

I have made being authentic (but still kind, of course) one of my priorities. I use my words to say what I think and express how I feel about things. I don't go along just to get along. I get nervous about going too far; but I figure it is better to be real with people - and make amends if I need to - than it is to be a people pleaser.

I will say it is less tiring to be real. I don't feel a need to justify myself, or pretend to be something I am not anymore! 🙃

Thank you for all you do, Anna and Team CCF!

[MayThereBeWorldPeace]

Survival pleasing. Exhausting. A great way to completely, utterly, sadly, lose your real identity. 💔

[myname-ukoe]

this is me in a nutshell. I don't know who I am underneath all this "niceness". I do have a layer of pure rage from all that's happened to me, and I feel like there's two sides to me: nice, and rageful. It's hard I know there's a chance I can show off a goofy quirky side to my personality but my mind freezes when Im out in public meeting people. It's like the "niceness" switch turns on and I can't turn it off.

[myrawest]

All of this could have been said so differently.
What "people pleasers" need to hear more than anything is that they are safe to be totally themselves and they will be accepted when they do.
People like me have no idea how to be accepted or loved. We learned to always say yes and people please.

I didn't know that I could be myself, share my thoughts or opinions or my bad moods... I believed in the core of me that I had to hide all of that or else I would be left and rejected.

If anyone is still reading.
Start slowly, by practicing showing just little bits of yourself with people. Tell people when you don't like something, share a real opinion, say no, share when you're having a bad day.

People really do love and prefer the authentic you, and the only way for you to find that out for yourself, is to gradually show more of yourself to people.

And when you do, yes, it may scare a few people away, but it will also attract the right people to you, who like the REAL YOU.

[judiroth]

Anna, how about people pleasing NOT to get others to like you, BUT to guarantee they won’t hurt you. An abusive childhood leaves trauma and scars, as you know. Fear of others is real.

[doudouledoux]

By always trying to please everyone else, we're not allowing ourselves to be. And so we can't have genuine relationships and suffer from being alone and rejected. But we actually reject ourselves for not showing who we really are. This is so messed up. I know this very well, the story of my life sadly. The reject wound is very painful.

[Tadams]

I’d rather be a “bitch” than be nice. I have swung the complete opposite direction. I love telling people NO. And it feels good. Maybe I will care again, but not right now.

[amberwinders]

I just become whoever im with. I don't even know what I like and don't like, but I'm finding out and it's a very good feeling. The less I care about people hanging around the more they come around. It took me 37 years to learn this.

[cherylduckworth]

yes, I almost feel like I've got to apologize for just being me. I had a stepdad who couldn't stand me and a mom too tired for me as well as had a drinking problem. I got moved from school to school yearly, making it impossible to fit in anywhere for long. I do try too hard with the people who matter to me so this is a powerful video for me. In my next get-together, I will be cool but not aloof and try to just be myself and see what happens.

[nineangels]

Best advice; " Set them free to be themselves."

[designchik]

I used to be a huge people pleaser. When I couldn’t put on an act anymore, the sheer intellectual exhaustion from being a chameleon catapulted me into therapy, I then swung to the complete opposite side of the pendulum, refusing to get involved with anyone or anything that would expect something from me. I’ve been trying to strike a balance ever since, and I’ve yet to do that successfully. But I will keep trying.

[anncat]

This is good tough love, thank you. As a recovering People Pleaser, I made up the following easy checklist, to come back to if I get off-track. It goes:

You're on TRACK if you are Truthful, Respectful, Authentic, Considerate, Kind. 

I've used it to check in on my behaviour, and also the behaviour of those in my relationships, and used them as starting points of conversations about improving our relationship. It's helped me let go of relationships that weren't helpful, avoid unhelpful ones coming in, and nurture the ones that deserve the work. If this helps anyone, please feel free to use and share it.

[DedraJenelle]

People pleasing is one of the hardest disappointments I've ever had to face and deal with. I'm currently at the point in my life to where I don't wish to make anymore 1 to 1 connections/relationships right now.

[tammyh]

Set boundaries, respect other's boundaries, keep boundaries! Love to all my fellow fawns. 🦌🦌🦌

[kaziquefly]

I have screwed my life being a people pleaser and didn’t even understand why. It all makes sense, thank you Anna. Would you consider recording an in depth video or a course on how not to do that? I mean on the surface it sounds easy, but my whole existence is screaming anxious that it’s now impossible to change because this is how I’ve always survived in the world. My self esteem is still super low despite and the amount of work I’ve done on myself. It’s soo hard. My mind and soul goes into a default crap fitting mode every time I’m around people… yeah, I know - pathetic 😢

[doesanamereallymatter]

I have stopped the people pleasing. I just awoke to this.

[euchiron]

Every adult relationship I've ever had has been one kind of trauma bond or another because of this exact behaviour. It is annihilating and yet freeing to hear it described as manipulation.

I followed my family into this too young to ever question why things had changed, I just followed and nobody ever talked about it. I have literally lived a broken life for four decades, never knowing why to trust. I've been asked if something was wrong, point blank, and genuinely believed that overall no I'm doing well enough and I'm stable and not in immediate crisis and it's felt stable with little upset for years now so I feel I'm doing much better, yes.

And I follow a learned and cherished family value to deal with those shadowy doubts privately to not be a burden and not bring your crisis to anyone, no matter what, unless you're literally dying. I never meant to deceive anyone but myself. I saw it as the safer option anyway. The real victimless crime, or so I felt.

I never thought it possible to feel such guilt and shame over things that weren't even my fault but nobody chose my actions for me. I can't dodge responsibility for my actions, especially not those while I've been an adult. I knew this channel had good stuff, but this is top quality.

Your daily meditation helped my progress in and out of therapy along a lot. ❤️😸

[joyfulone]

Yep. You've definitely taught me this. I have 35 fb friends. I'm not for everyone. Especially if truth isn't your friend.

It was very good for me to learn about manipulation and fawning from you. I'm in recovery from stockholm syndrome. Pleasing was all i did because i was afraid. I'm trying to find the place between being thankful and being pleasing with the excellent input i have 👊🏻🤺🙌🏻❤🙏🏻💪🏻💜🕊

[FriendofDorothy]

been there/done that. It never worked of course. So much more peaceful to stop the people pleasing and just be myself. Another great video! If they give out Oscars for best YT channel you will surely be the Meryl Streep of these kinds of videos! (:

[dukefam]

I never give compliments when they are not warranted
However, your short video is nothing short of brilliant.
That you for speaking the TRUTH.