People Pleasing: Are You a People Pleaser? And How to Stop Being a People Pleaser

Get the course: Overcoming Perfectionism and People Pleasing

People pleasing is when you feel like you have to change yourself to be loved or accepted by others. People pleasing is especially common among women, but anyone could be a people pleaser. When you are stuck in people pleasing you may feel tired, overwhelmed, exhausted, or resentful. There are different types of people pleasers: the perky, the pouty, and the perplexed people pleaser.

Therapy in a Nutshell, LLC, and the information provided by Emma McAdam are solely intended for informational and entertainment purposes and are not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or mental health conditions. Although Emma McAdam is a licensed marriage and family therapist, the views expressed on this site or any related content should not be taken for medical or psychiatric advice. Always consult your physician before making any decisions related to your physical or mental health.

About Me:
I’m Emma McAdam. I’m a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and I have worked in various settings of change and growth since 2004. My experience includes juvenile corrections, adventure therapy programs, wilderness therapy programs, an eating disorder treatment center, a residential treatment center, and I currently work in an outpatient therapy clinic.

In therapy I use a combination of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Systems Theory, positive psychology, and a bio-psycho-social approach to treating mental illness and other challenges we all face in life. The ideas from my videos are frequently adapted from multiple sources. Many of them come from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, especially the work of Steven Hayes, Jason Luoma, and Russ Harris. The sections on stress and the mind-body connection derive from the work of Stephen Porges (the Polyvagal theory), Peter Levine (Somatic Experiencing) Francine Shapiro (EMDR), and Bessel Van Der Kolk. I also rely heavily on the work of the Arbinger institute for my overall understanding of our ability to choose our life's direction.

Copyright Therapy in a Nutshell, LLC
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[jayzee]

I feel like sometimes people pleasing is so engrained in my thinking that it’s hard to know what I actually want, because my priority has been to have peace over conflict for as long I can remember.

[reallifepsych]

“People pleasers, you’re never really yourself, you’re who everyone wants you to be.” So well said. So many of us unintentionally carry a burden trying to please others. Self improvement begins with self awareness.

[godzillamanstreb]

Conflict can be terrifying if your childhood programming taught you that conflict leads to abuse or emotional pain💔

[gloriajean]

My life began to change for the better when I asked myself which I’d rather be, respected or liked, and I chose respect. Hard at first but eventually automatic and empowering.

[kw]

Im so tired of being a people pleaser. I don't even care about my needs being met, as long as everyone else is happy. I will do anything, literally *anything* to avoid conflict. But sometimes two seperate people want different things from me that are incompatible and impossible to fulfill both so I can only please one while the other Is mad at me. This KILLS me, this Is where I collapse and think to myself "you guys have NO IDEA how hard I try to make you happy while noone - not even myself - cares about what I actually want!" Of course I don't say any of that. But i get resentful. Its like they care about their needs and I care about their needs and noone cares about mine.

[nicoleonfeels]

It’s important to satisfy your needs before that of others. You should always be your number 1 priority.

[goodintentions]

People that have been people pleasing all their life learned to do it as a child SO THEY COULD SURVIVE!! Even then, they were NOT LOVED. It was a good skill then that is not serving them once they are out of the hell hole they grew up in. Unlearning is worth it, although not necessarily easy.

[delyta.]

People-pleasers don't realize they are also often misjudging people around them. Those close to a people-pleaser can feel lied to about even the littlest things, like "What's your favorite color?" Most people want a true friend and not a mirror of themselves. So ironically people-pleasing can push people away.

[marmadukescarlet]

“You think if I’m really myself, people wouldn’t like me”, but the people pleaser is inauthentic and others sense that you’re holding something back. People like me a lot better now I’ve (mostly) stopped people pleasing. Those who don’t like the real you aren’t your friends anyway. Move on, because real friends will show up soon enough. It is hard work breaking that conditioning though.

[wendylock]

I had a mother who was a narcissist and a father who was co dependant on her, at about the age of 3yrs old I learned NOT TO EXIST, I realised the only way I was loved was if I parented my mother and her needs, so I learned to deny myself as existing, if at any time my father tried to show me any attention my mother would play us of against each other, so my sole purpose in life was to learn to please people for recognition or approval, now in my 70s I live alone my children have grown up and moved on, having been in and out of therapy to no avail, I realise that I don’t know now who I am or what I like or want, because I’ve denied my existence all these years I don’t know how to get to know my inner child and acknowledge her needs and to be honest I’m terrified, I feel now there is no purpose in my life and I don’t know how to become me, it terrifies me, where do I start at this stage in life,

[lcstrovas]

I'm married to a people pleaser - we've been together 20 years - and I find myself after all these years not trusting my husband as far as I can throw him. There are many wonderful things I love and adore about him, but he avoids conflict with me at all costs. He never overtly criticizes or disagrees with me but instead is passive-aggressive or "spins" things to prevent me from being upset or blames me when he is upset. There's no true vulnerability, which means there's no true intimacy, no meeting of our souls, spirits or bodies. I've tried talking with him about it but he just hears me through his shame-based "speakers", receives my pleas as criticism and doubles his efforts to please me more. I've been heartbroken over this for a long time, but I've grieved the loss and now am at the point of deciding whether I will stay well or leave well.

[DrStoCazzo]

Keeping people at arm length, unable to form deep meaningful connections, is something that resonates a lot with me. I wonder if i'm a pleaser too, or my social skills are really that bad.

[chriscallen]

This is so me !! I’ve been a people pleaser all my life and I’m 44 . It’s been a lifetime pattern for me. Sometimes I do resent people when I don’t know how to confront them on an issue.

[jay]

These videos save me from jumping off the cliff every time.

[alikiaei]

I loved it. And the fact that you expressed your own vulnerability and admitted you’ve been working on people pleasing yourself is very courageous of you. I found it truly inspiring
Thanks

[micheleconroy]

This was enormously helpful!! I've struggled with people pleasing and perfectionism for 53 years. This so resonated with me because I actually have a pendant that says, "Speak your truth even if your voice shakes." I often wear it for work meetings to shore up my confidence.

[shelleysmith]

The Bff technique: it works! I've been using this technique lately and it's powerful. I had no idea how much my inner critic is a social narcissist. Ugh.. I also call it self-mothering. What would my perfect mom say to me? I talk to myself out loud. So helpful and calming. Excellent video. Thank you!!

[mariadeleon]

Emma does an amazing job of synthesizing what the guest is saying. I LOVE the way she explains things. 😍 She’s a Godsend! I adore her.

[riosmoodie]

I have tested many CBD oils. I think the CBD from Weedborn is the absolute best.

[jamimixon]

I’ve suffered from this since I was a child. And it’s because growing up my mom would force us to have a smile on our face. If we’ve had a long day or sad/mad/angry it was like an insult to her. It’s like we needed to be happy for her to be happy. But I’m dropping that today. I’ve had a lot of resentment that broke my marriage and today I’m myself. And I don’t care who likes it.