How People Pleasing Can Hurt You + Abusive Relationship Patterns | Unfiltered Storytime

Are you a people pleaser? I'm a recovering people pleaser and have been obsessed with the word SORRY. The reality is, most of the time I need to stop saying sorry so often, because most of the time I have no need to be sorry. The reality is I struggle with setting healthy boundaries in relationships. This comes down to my self care routine and making sure that I am doing things that boost self worth affirmations and encourage self love routines. I've seen many people pleasing Ted Talks or setting healthy boundaries Ted Talks and have been in mental health therapy for people pleasing caused by trauma that I had not taken care of. In this video I'm really diving into my personal experience with people pleasing, what causes people pleasing and how to stop people pleasing. Let me know what you think. Are you a recovering people pleaser?

I'm Kati Morton, a licensed therapist making Mental Health videos!
#katimorton #therapist #therapy

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[iridescentsolace]

I saw the tittle and clicked IMMEDIATELY, I noticed I do things I hate/don’t want to just because it makes others happy and it’s exhausting and frustrating when you realize when it happens

[suzushiEitan]

I think that the "pandemic" of positive thinking has a lot to do with this. The cultural norm or expectation that one should not be negative or even jugmental. Only to keep the sunny side up all the time. Its like we've lost the ability to enteract without the expectation of being positive. So whenever tension rises, we say "sorry" and feel guilty for something that did not happen.

[psite]

People-pleasing is feeling responsible and guilty for everything that happens to people around - we have to get a clear picture that people are intrinsically ambivalent and we frequently don't have a clue of what's going on in their heads. This makes us feel more secure and free of guilty.

[ellengleason]

Sending this to my therapist because I’ve never had someone else say all my feelings so clearly. I struggle with people pleasing to avoid conflict and to regulate others emotions. I think short term I feel like I’m making myself feel better but at the end I just end up feeling resentful that no one does as much emotional work for me as I do for others (trying to do mental gymnastics to diffuse any possible conflict that could arise in a scenario is exhausting) thank you for posting this.

[tmo]

I totally walked on eggshells growing up worrying I was gonna cause my mom to go off. The thing is, she would go off for no reason at all sometimes. I was afraid to breathe wrong. She made me feel like I had no right to have feelings of my own. I always knew I didn’t want to be like her. And there are obvious things that are easy to avoid, but there are other things she did that I didn’t know were wrong. It’s like it’s all I ever knew, so I didn’t know. 🥲. Now I feel like I’ve made mistakes with my own child not because I did those obvious wrong things she did, but those other things that I didn’t realize were wrong. It makes me feel horrible. Like some people would say that people like me should recognize that they wouldn’t be a good parent and not have any children. But I didn’t know everything I know now when I was 26. My son has a lot of issues now and even though I tried to be the best mother I could, I feel like it is all my fault. I know that it’s not from talking to my counselor about it, but it still bothers me sometimes. I feel so inadequate as a mother even though I have tried harder to be a good mother than anything else in my life.

[robertaspinale]

I'm not sure when it started that I began having the issue of setting boundaries but people pleasing definitely took shape when it happened. I remember even as a younger kid, having the feeling I was "bothering" people if I called them. As I'm now learning more about healthy boundaries and healthy relationships, I've learned I'm not bothering anyone. Reaching out builds connections and shows people you care. I'm also learning that while anger and conflict are uncomfortable feelings for me, they're healthy emotions. Sometimes we have to be direct in order to make our relationships better! These skills have become a little easier in my personal life over time and having patience with myself. Now, I need to learn how to apply them to my professional life too! :)

[groofay]

My parents' divorce and subsequent emotional neglect when I was a kid led to me doing basically everything in this video, particularly fawning and over-extending to the point of burnout, over-apologizing, and then going through periods of months of not talking to anyone or going out, partly because of depression yes, but also because I needed to "shrink" and take up less physical and mental space in other people's lives (at least that's what my brain would tell me). I still struggle with it--I'm currently going through one of those shrinking periods, but forcing myself to talk to a couple of my closest friends that I know, objectively, don't see me as taking up too much space.

I refuse to apologize for writing a novel of a Youtube comment. This video spoke to me.

[sarahbridges]

I love this video. I also think when people grow up in enmeshed families and churches, then people pleasers do get cut off for being themselves. So as a people pleaser your biggest fear comes true. Over time as you strengthen your self worth you realize that generally, people won't get upset with you for being you and differing in opinions.

[Hawk_Leigh]

I also hate/have a fear of conflict, and it does go hand in hand with my anxiety, sensitivity, and people-pleasing. Your own childhood experience and lack of answers as to why you also hate conflict really resonated with me because I also cannot connect my fear of conflict to any trauma, I'm just a highly sensitive person, and I'll do anything to avoid conflict/arguments. Now that I'm older, I get migraines from tension as well. So just addressing a personal issue with a friend or my parents is a nightmare. It drives my parents crazy sometimes that I avoid conflict and apologize all the time, but I dread having "discussions" and arguments and then getting a painful migraine afterwards...I would really appreciate if you did a future "Kati Unfiltered" digging deeper into the topic of conflict and anxiety <3
Thank you so much!

[mrunalkadam]

I can only get my parents love and respect if I please them, either by doing the chores they tell me to do or I feel like I always have to do things the right way to be seen as a person of value or doing other things I don't wanna do. I never find myself saying no because they ALWAYS get mad at me for saying no. I just can't set boundaries with them. I'm so stuck in this people pleasing trap!

[behroozshahdaftar]

Sometimes we people please to gain approval, because other's approval gives us a (false) sense of self.

[aintiffanyloyal]

I literally cry after hanging out with anyone and I ruin all my relationships because I’m so convinced that I’ve done something wrong… I want to read the emotions and signs of people so deeply that I end up not ever having a good time or normal conversation it’s the worst I end up icing out every1 ugh

[kentanderson]

This is a battle I fight all day, every day. Some of my issues are the same as yours. I'm 58 years old, I abhor conflict--grew up with parents who truly did not like each other, yet "stayed together for the kids." My entire childhood was tension and conflict. Now, I still (even after therapy) struggle with apologizing. I was married for 19 years, have been divorced for 16. For the last nine years I've been with a wonderful woman, and we are engaged. But sometimes I get carried away apologizing because I'm terrified she will be upset with me. She never is, the things I imagine she is upset about are only in my brain (thank you, anxiety). But as patient as she is, I know it annoys her for me to over-apologize. And yes, I apologize basically for existing at times. Not an attractive quality. But I am trying, I am working at trying to recognize this. Your video really touched me. Thanks.

[jamilabrown]

I believe my people pleasing comes from childhood trauma and it usually happens to me when I make a mistake. I used to get yelled at as a kid when I made a mistake. I have this feeling to make it up to the person when the situation isn't a big deal. I tell myself I'll do better next time, but that's when my perfectionist part of me comes out. I'm trying not to be perfect and please everyone. But it's so hard!

[cathyjones]

It is still my go to response to say "I'm sorry", my husband always nicely points it out and says you have nothing to be sorry for. He is very patient and I am starting to stop my self from saying it sometimes. But it is so so hard. Thanks for letting me know I'm not the only one!

[jenaya_laila]

To end People pleasing= make yourself important enough to take yourself seriously + boundaries!

[nora-cude]

I feel like part of me is dying when I don’t follow my heart and decide to please people just because I don’t wanna be disliked. I’m trying so hard not to be a people pleaser. It’s not easy. Thank you for sharing amazing videos Kati! Your videos saved me so many times.

[CynthiaSchoenbauer]

This is the BEST explanation of "fawning" that I have ever had in my life. Fawning is ignored in fight or flight, and freeze... But fawning is what I have used to make my self feel safe around a very, very dangerous father who puts his own feelings before mine and kept me doing his will so he would "be able" to support the family.... too much responsibility. I responded to his needs but he never responded to my emotional needs in any way for me to feel safe. It felt just like a very unsafe place and like I had no family behind me. I work for just the opposite now!

[YOU-niter]

Sorry!
I met someone who taught me to 🛑 stop saying “sorry” you have nothing to apologise for!
This statement was the jolt I needed to realise why I did say that word constantly.
It started me on my journey of ending my people pleasing ways.

[nineangels]

I'm tired of people pleasing. It makes me feel drained & empty. I know I need to learn more about self care & resting.