People Pleasing: Keep It From Making You Miserable

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Doc Snipes
​Examine how people pleasing protected you in the past
​Explore the relationships that taught you to people please
​How do All or nothing thinking, personalization, catastrophizing, mind reading contribute to your belief that you must people please to be safe or loved?
​What are some distress tolerant thoughts you can tell yourself to help deal with anxiety when you set boundaries?

Video by Dr. Dawn Elise Snipes on integrative behavioral health approaches including counseling techniques and skills for improving mental health and reducing mental illness.

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[DocSnipes]

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[ArtMusicLife]

I'm a people pleaser because I actually have an intense fear of others being upset with me.

[anju]

I was beaten down and forced to become a people pleaser by my volatile narcissistic mother and my violent spoiled younger sister. Their tantrums made me scared for my life. Being a nice/giving person opened me up to so much pain and confusion but I won in the end. I am the good guy. They will never again get the gift of my love or empathy. Younger sis beat the shit out of me for no reason over pandemic when I needed support. They will never be there for me. I have been alone and unsafe for my entire life and I just figured that out at 30.

[sweettoothmarie]

People pleasers often have low energy because they are out and about making every body else happy other than themselves

[prosperity]

This is really such a perfect motivation for me as people pleaser.. I’m still working on it but sometimes anxiety gets in me..I have to listen this video multiple times to sink in my mind.

[lughlamhfada]

I like to think of being nice, and being kind as completely different things. Changed the way I related to the concept.

[tammyb]

I grew up with two alcoholic parents that used to beat on each other from time to time and on my brother and sister but never on me. I never felt that speaking out would get me in trouble but it never did any good so I learned to keep my mouth shut. After my dad left my mother was rarely home so I basically raised myself however she made it very obvious when I made her unhappy and would withhold affection. It has taken me YEARS to find myself and put distance between myself and my family so I can get a different perspective and especially learn boundaries. One of my first professional jobs was in healthcare and not knowing how to keep boundaries and being a people pleaser I burnt out so hard and so fast and developed a drinking problem. Now I am self-employed, sober and still working on myself, all I can say is I'm so glad I never had children because I would have just most likely continued the cycle.

[tatucorreia]

Realy well explained. I must take accountability and change this behaviour.

[rachelwelch]

I used to be like this years that therapy helped me move past this, went through almost every type of childhood abused and like you can think of I still go to therapy and I don't want to go back to hurting myself by pleasing others

[cathyrosa]

Thank you so much ♡ this helps put things in perspective. Knowledge is power. So is self compassion ♡

[EnjoyingYourLifeWithJesus]

Thank You Dr. Dawn for talking about this! This was the story of My life. Praise God not anymore. Lorelle is taking care of Lorelle now!

[asing]

Dr. Snipes,
Can't tell you how much you have helped me in last 2-3 years of downward spiral in my life!
Thank you so much for your help.

[violamarufu]

Thank you 😊. I am a docile people pleaser and I didn't haven't this perspective that it's a problem until I realised I never get anything from anywhere. The root causes where insecurity about finances and depending on siblings in many ways. It's a long story. I did it thinking it would bring peace. But I have realised I have to work it out.

[menotyou]

That was incredibly profound that you do not have the right Or ability depending on circumstance to step in and take somebody else’s pain away yet that you can sit with them create the space for them to give their pain away and not to you just give it away. That is the healthiest way I have heard in the simplest way to be there as a friend as a family member as a wellness practitioner that is a incredible summary of health and wellness being expressed to encourage somebody’s health and wellness in them and to not hold up your need for value in their situation thank you so much. And as we all know if somebody steps in and fixes your situation usually it does transpire again because “ we “didn’t get the lesson. Mahalo

[Iquey]

Couldn't have posted this at a better time . Thanks Doc Snipes!

[jrosner]

I am guilty of some of this. I have a hard time saying no, but cannot possibly fulfill every commitment fully- and this leads to a heavy crash, and resentment. Certain types pick up on this trait, and will use you as an emotional dumping ground-

[billthelen]

I have found that l need to please other people needs first, I still find that true today. Most of the time, I feel like I need to do for others. I do this so I can be okay being myself. I'm a constant apologizer. I often feel burnt out because I place other people first. I am the one who doesn't accept positive affirmation from others. Even though at the same time, I want to be recognized. PACER is an excellent reminder to take care of ourselves. The example of the square breathing to slow ourselves down so we can get into our wise mind. The distress tolerance skills of self-soothing our senses I have found to be an excellent way to get into my wise mind. Thank you Dr. Snipes.

[lamarmana]

i've always felt the need to be loved and sort of accept by others and myself. i came here hopping i can know myself better and what are my problems and that someday i will stop people pleasing. i knew i was a people pleaser long time ago but this video made me realize things. when you said people pleaser's dont often know themselves and they need words of information like your good, your loved, your doing alright, ect....i don't know myself what i want in the future what i love what like or dislike and this these things often makes me feel a little depressed. thank you for making the time and effort to make this beautiful video it really helped me.

[kumifoliola]

Thank you so much for sharing, this video and all your other videos, it's helping me heal my inner child & really take control of my life now.
I have lived most of my life pleasing others. And it all starts with my childhood trauma, generational family beliefs, unspoken and so on.

[thadmatson]

I have had a lifetime of this! Recently reaching out to friends and their inability to even grasp what i am going through made me cut off nearly all former ‘so-called’ friends. They were never friends and never had the capacity to consider anothers needs, problems, or struggles. As a people pleaser it is a constant issue. For example, i call friends to check in in them, normal stuff. If i don’t call them, i could go a lifetime without anyone ever even asking hey how are things?? That is called zero friends. Zero people even think or wonder hey what is up with that person? Its insane. I am a caring loving person who feels i consider others, wish someone else would feel the same for me! Zero!!