Why People Pleasing Doesn't Make People Happy (and What to Do Instead)

Like to make people happy? Me too!
Forget you count as people? ME TOO! Let's fix this.
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WE WROTE A SONG!!
Get the “The Fish Song” on...

LINKS:

ARTICLES:

VIDEOS:

People pleasing:

Assertive communication:

Why People Pleasing Doesn't Make People Happy (and What to Do Instead) Music:

"The Show Must Be Go”
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0

“The Future Begins Today”
by Brett Van Donsel

[rutikjadhav]

Hey fellow Brains. I just got diagnosed this week. I am 17. I feel so good that I am a part of this tribe full of eccentric people from everywhere. I am Proud of Us

[cateclism]

Meeting others' needs at our own expense also makes us vulnerable to manipulative people.

[BlueFeatherCreations]

Im such a people pleaser and chronically burn myself out.

[PeachPlastic]

I can imagine that a habit of (attempted) people-pleasing can be the result of having experienced rejection. Many of us were told to shut up, sent to our rooms and whatever; it makes sense to assume that being with people starts to mean mirroring people.

[Sakkeru]

"So I stayed quiet and tried not to need things."

Oooof, this video is a bit too real. But that's a good thing. Then again... last time I tried to communicate my needs like this to someone I didn't know, it was my manager. Told her I couldn't take out the food order because I was already doing about four things and needed a moment to just process stuff. She stopped responding to my texts about when my next shift was after that... not fun.


Thank you so much for all your videos, they are life changing.

[discomfortseeker]

My god... I was diagnosed with ADHD just a month ago at the age of almost 21, and because of this disease the way I was living my life was self-destructive and I couldn't even call myself a human.

But before I went searching for diagnoses, I randomly found your channel and I was crying while watching your videos... You are so possitive on the camera, but I felt enormous pain inside because every word you were saying was touching the struggles I was going through, which I wasn't even able to realize, like the fact that I am not "really" focusing. It's like learning a brand new colour. You helped me to make the most important decision of my life and search for a doctor.

Thank you. Just thank you. For everything you're doing, for your contagious enthusiasm, for your consistent work on this channel. You have no idea how much of an impact you have on someone's life. Every your video is insanely helpful and... I'm crying again I just have no words to express all the gratefulness I am fulfilled with...

[SD-uzcc]

“Humans are high maintenance” perfect, actually a fantastic phrase

[apcolleen]

And this isn't just for ADHD folks.

[yungmarinetrey]

This is so resonant. I've been that person that pours all of myself into a person. The one that puts everything I feel aside in order to put someone else's needs on a pedestal. It's painful, it's toxic, and it is absolutely unacceptable. You have to care about you first. It's not wrong to speak up about what you want and how you feel.

[thelifedyslexic]

Don't be Passive and just watch, Be assertive, like, share.
Done.

[EllaDABAMMS]

“You can’t pour from an empty teapot.” So true! I never thought of it that way before but it makes sense. My prominent character trait is -altruism- so I love helping, caring and serving others... only recently did I discover the importance of self-care in order to thrive. Now I’m working on a healthy balance of both.

[HowtoADHD]

Hey brains! Post here if you have a specific communication situation you want me to tackle in the next video! Examples: I need accommodations but I'm not sure who to ask or what to say; my boss is rude to me and it hurts but I don't know how to deal with it without getting fired; my partner isn't doing their share of the work and I want to be understanding but it's starting to get to me; how do I tell my friend I don't want to lend them money; etc.

[HermanFalckHow]

I just got diagnosed a year ago (25 now) and my biggest change since going on meds other than my productivity going up was I have gotten less passive in my communication. And the balancing act now is trying to find out how to assert that "this is why my needs are important" without it seeming agressive to those that have known me since childhood and isn't used to not being able to walk over me in any situation.

Particulary my mom this has been a struggle with. I live in a different country but I met her over christmas and she said she thought I was more agressive now. Which was very sad because it's the opposite of how I feel since I used to feel way more angry all the time because I let everyone just do and say whatever they wanted to and about me. She'll learn to understand I suppose, but it does give you pause when you realise how few people actually know you when how your brain works is completely different to how others do.

[jess]

I absolutely love this video! And I love the fact that you are posting more often!

[paleobc]

Perfect timing! Me and my friend who also has ADHD were just talking about how we always felt taken advantage off

[emalinegayhart]

4:15 - 5:03 ty. This has been the hardest concept for me to tackle with social relationships. It's strange how satisfying it feels to actually take someone up on an offer. "Hey, want a coffee?" "Yeah, actually that would be nice!" Instead of "oh, sure, let me buy though! -- no it's okay really, here's some cash!"

[tenniwonder]

The Queen has uploaded!! My day has instantly been made 1, 000% better!! 💖

[kocagidiyorumgelengelsin]

this is the worst phase that you are in auto pilot of people pleasing and don't know what you want and don't :)

[ibuttonsmash]

This just blew my mind! Watching your videos is like listening to someone that’s been living inside my head my entire life 😅

[phannybrce]

"Whether we like it or not, we have needs." 🤣 Best description of my frustration. I just truly believe that I am the only person who should have grown past needs at this point.