In narcissistic relationships, when people show you who they are, believe them the first time

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.

THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[brendaanderson]

In my experience, it doesn’t matter whether it’s a narcissistic relationship or not, once a person reveals their true colors, believe it!

[effinyu]

I heard a really good quote, "Don't light yourself on fire just to keep someone else warm."

[karen]

The bright side to having endured narcissist abuse is that once you understand what you've been thru and why, you're so much better equipped to recognize it in new people that you meet..

[sandrakulikowski]

When people show you their ugly colors don’t try to paint them pretty.

[meredithcosta]

We want so much to believe what we want to see, rather than trusting that what we do see is unfortunately real. We want to find the best in everyone, and not everyone is deserving of that privilege.

[brimstone]

When I was young I thought a lot of 'old' people were crotchety, unfriendly and judgemental.
Now I know that most of them are simply experienced and just ain't buyin' what some people are sellin' by falling for a smooth sales pitch.

[sarabjeetkaur]

The moment when i have to justify someone's bad behaviour is a huge red flag, my instints be like 📢🔔

[anyways]

The ugliness of the narc COULD NOT come out if the ugliness wasn't there on the inside of them waiting for a chance to show itself. Stop feeling sorry for the narc. This is power.

[bearinthegarden]

The red flags accumulated and I decided to leave the relationship. I was in therapy at the time because I lacked confidence in my decisions. I made the mistake of running my decision by my therapist first. I told my therapist that I was going to cancel the wedding because of my fiancé's behavior. The older male therapist chided me that I was making too big a deal out of things and that my fiancé was just behaving in a way that was typical to men. I trusted my therapist over myself because I knew I "had issues" and needed to grow (I'd spent my whole childhood being gaslighted by my covert N mother but neither I, nor any therapists I went to recognized that at the time). I went ahead with the marriage to a man that I didn't even like at that point in order to prove to myself that I could get beyond my "overreactions" and that I was strong enough to accept "typical male" behavior. That was how I entered a 14 year long abusive marriage. Every time I tried to stand up to my husband's abuse, my husband would remind me how the therapist said I needed to understand male behavior and not overreact. Of course things escalated over time. I finally called a domestic violence hotline, got a more accurate perspective and left!

[maxp]

I was brought up to disregard how I felt and to ONLY look at the situation from the other person's point of view. So when I met my ex, I felt "I'm also quite a flawed person. I can't expect him to be perfect" My mum always made allowances and excuses for other people's bad behaviour. She didn't validate my feelings about their behaviour. I can see the pattern so clearly now, and am trying to break the cycle for my kids.

[Sophia-uuim]

I wish I was taught this long ago. Too often we are told “everyone deserves a second chance, ”
“everyone has good inside them, ” or “they had a tough childhood so you need to cut them slack, ” etc.

While all that may be true, I wish we as a society would also say that it doesn’t mean they are allowed to be abusive. And you should run, not walk, away…..

And yes, there were “tells.” But then all of those societal sayings overrode my gut instincts…..

[physicianskitchen]

I would always rationalize problematic hurtful behaviour with "everyone has a bad day once in a while". But now when I see just how far someone can go I need to see it only once. All the love bombing won't erase it.

[goodgracious]

When he first told me that he was "damaged goods". I shrugged it off, thinking that he just needed an emotional boost. I was so incredibly naive! I ended up dating and marrying this nutcase within a year's time and experiencing the chilling horrors of his sociopathic and narcissistic abuse! Now divorced and healing, but forever mindful that this man had forewarned me that he was deeply unfit to love or nurture anyone.

[jaynekennedyellis]

His own mother told me after asking her: What is wrong with him? Mom: He’s a narcissist. I’ll never forget that day. I had no idea about narcissism… not anymore. Thank you Dr. Ramani 🙏

[lilylady]

While growing up if you are continually gaslighted/ taught to accept being scapegoated and that it's all you and never "them", if you are taught to censor/ ignore your own instincts it could take a very long time (years/ decades) to ultimately learn how to recognize bad behaviors in others. And even then it takes more time to learn it’s okay to take care of yourself in healthy ways.

[verseau]

Also pay attention to how you see them treat other people, because no matter how nice they are to you at the beginning, if they are unkind, arrogant, demanding, etc to others, they will eventually treat you the same way

[patricebright]

I've heard that quote often growing up and it was a quote that played through my head as I was debating with myself about leaving my ex-husband. Once I let him go it was like a domino effect. I started dropping people like flies and I have never been happier. I even dropped a new budding friendship with a woman who tried to convince me to get back with my ex because she saw him bringing me flowers and looking sad. Nope, not for me. The first hint of a red flag I am simply walking away. I don't care what anyone has to say about it either, they don't know what I've been through and those sentiments are not conducive to my recovery.

[phyllisjunemillerjohnson]

I've ignored red flags when trying to develop friendships too. My ego thought that my own decency would make a difference... it didn't.

[fiona]

First red flag - the women who kept calling him, was described by him as mentally unwell. Next one, on an early date, I asked what he liked about me, answer: "you look after me". Should have trusted my gut.

[shinobirising]

This is a dynamic you definitely see in religion. Where you may confide in a "friend" that someone has been really nasty with you, and you'll get, "Now. Now. We shouldn't be judging other people! How would feel if someone just assumed things about you?"

This does two things:

1) It presents the false premise that exercising judgement is wrong, when in fact it is essential.

2) It's loaded with the accusation that your feelings are not borne of legitimacy, but are flimsy, unwarranted assumptions.