How to Stop People Pleasing Without Feeling Guilty

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[suejohn]

I am that person who explains myself to everyone as to why I can't do something or go somewhere 🤦‍♀️🥴 This is great, thanks Toby.

[elainemartin]

Thankyou Toby…..This is an area l really struggle with….but getting a little better in the past year…., but still struggle with guilt and shame for having made boundaries….It’s like feeling like a failure all the time, and that really wears me down emotionally and probably physically too…..

[maiqueashworth]

There's a lot of wisdom here, thank you, excellent.

[meredithparker]

Always receive your emails when I’m dealing with the exact thing your talking about so awesome!

[Divadellecurve]

My cfs taught me how to stop people pleasing. Pleasing people actually takes a lot of energy and the lack of it is a teacher to get rid of it...

[teresagranza]

Thanks for the reminder. I'm getting much better at not jumping right in with a, "Sure! I can do that". And then, the bad feelings because I really don't feel up to it. "Let me get back to you", that's a better response. And, no guilt in saying, "I'm not up to it right now".

[ellenfleming]

Thank you so much Toby this was my problem to start with learnt the lesson the hard way

[nibblesR]

I like this advice for all of us not just the CFS community! As a parent of a child with CFS I'm struggling with how much to ask of my son in terms of things like chores or family outings (which we never do any more). He doesn't remember what it feels like to feel well anymore because it's been 3 years since he's been sick. So if I ask him how do you feel it's like he just says fine- but really is new normal of "fine" is like someone with a bad hangover! I'm too scared to push but I feel like maybe he could do more...He currently does 3 days of school which is a lot for him.

[angelfoxinprettysocks]

I think this is awesome advice. For me though, I was brought up, to do more than I could manage. In an environment, where I was discouraged from eating, sufficiently. That led me to relationships, that weren't beneficial. As I expected people, to treat me that way. It wasn't until, someone treated me in a really unhealthy way, I realised, I must get out, the situation. Yet I, came across people, who disrespected me, who have authority, as an adult. Situations, I couldn't, change. It lost me a huge amount of confidence. So now, I am over 2 years, pretty much bed bound, I can make it into the nect room, maybe twice a day. I used to be worse. Again, people meant to help me, expect, more of me, than I am able to do. Therefore, currently, I am left to manage alone.
My experience though, is, peace, and solitude, is preferential, to someone, meant to assist you, who doesn't, or does it badly.
So each day, I feel challenged, with this, explaining, I am not able to have someone visit, or call, or respond to an email, because I can't physically speak, or am in too much pain.
Wondering if others can relate?

[IridescentJen]

ha! i am that over-explainer and ready for a new shirt and hat to try on :) also just hearing about you surfing on a new wobbly shortboard... my biggest dream is to surf again one day, it seems so far out of my realm now, surfing has become a distant memory after just a few years of illness. so thank you for that random beacon of light

[ChrisKadaver]

I overexplain everything. I overhink everything stuff as well. I have started to bevieve maybe my ME/CFS is a combination of codependant personality disorder like traits in combination with undiagnosed autism?! My way of learning to set up boundries is just saying no to everything. Thats because I suck at boundries in general. But it's not like I'm a people pleaser to everyone. I can be a jerk as well in situations I feel entitled. Quite narcissistic. But I often have bad concience for things so I'm not purely narcissitic either.

It's weird. I think my ME mostly are a post traumatic state since I tend to empathize with toxic, manipulative people like my two latest ex girlfriends who both traumatized me throughout those toxic relationships.

I'm wondering if working on my mental state and becoming more aware can cure my ME. Or ME also is a epigenetic chronic state that cannot be fully cured.

What is your take on this?