How to Stop People Pleasing and Be Happy

One of the more curious aspects of the ways we are built is that it can take us a very long time indeed to work out what we need in order to be happy.

FURTHER READING

“One of the more curious aspects of the ways we are built is that it can take us a very long time indeed to work out what we need in order to be happy.

We might assume that the process was obvious; what could be more straightforward than to want. We’ve ostensibly been doing it since we were four years old and began a powerful campaign for an electric train or set of farmyard animals…”

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CREDITS

Produced in collaboration with:

Aaron Sampson


Title animation produced in collaboration with

Vale Productions

[theschooloflifetv]

Have you found yourself “people pleasing” at the expense of your own growth? What helped you identify this and move forwards? Join the discussion in the comments below.

[TheTunamouse]

I think people pleasing for me came from fear - my dad had anger issues during my childhood so I got really good at people pleasing in order to not piss him off. It took me years to realise that I’m no longer the helpless child completely at the mercy of my dad, and that I’m now an independent adult who doesn’t depend on anyone for food or shelter. I’m slowly understanding that not pleasing others no longer leads to catastrophic consequences like it used to when I was a kid. No one is going to scream at me, or lock me in my room, or even prevent me from seeing my friends. No one has that kind of power over me anymore. I can understand this intellectually; but emotionally and instinctively… that’s a whole other story.

[northernswedenstories]

I put my self through rigorous training at multiple top universities in the UK and Sweden, only to find out I hated doing data science and programming everyday. So I moved up north in Sweden and become a professional welder. Couldn't be happier

[study]

"care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner"
~Lao Tzu

[helloearth]

A short perspective to this is to say no to things you don't want to do and being able to accept the concequences without a flinche of anxiety.

[realhinda]

The more you please others the more they want, and once you try to do smtg about it, you see another face of ungrateful, angry hurtful people. You choose to change and grow because it starts being a habit to avoid conflicts. Unfortunately you'll have to take a step for your own growth that they will eventually try also to sabotage because they got used to you as they wanted you to be. A people pleaser!

[euchiron]

I turn 50 in a month and this video is extremely timely. Time to pull away from the toxic people for good and be free ❤️

[stories-of-elle]

My biggest problem is that I was gaslighted to believe that if I didn't people please I was a bad person and selfish, and that is not true for me anymore.

[bgxezpx]

Throughout my teenage years, I always wanted to be like that one guy that everyone liked. Kind hearted and good-looking as well as outgoing, humorous yet humble. But after a few years of faithful people-pleasing, I reached my own ultimate conclusion that such a person only exists in the theaters.

The thing is, wanting to please others isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Wanting to please every single person you meet, that’s a bad thing. There are so many different people on this planet with extremely different tastes in people, so there surely cannot be a single person who checks every box for everyone. Instead of pushing ourselves to reach the impossible, we must learn to please, and only please those who are important to our lives, those who love whether we please them or not.
They our usually our parents and closest friends. Those are the relationships that will last, and therefore they are where most of our pleasing powers should be spent.

[roidroid]

I remember a line from *A Softer World:*
_It's time_
_to make yourself proud_
_and everyone else_
_a little nervous_

[rubin-healmysocialanxiety]

“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.”
― Carl Jung

[jamesc]

I'd say rather than trying to please others, we are mostly afraid of judgement from others. It takes a huge amount of courage to be true to oneself, but it's a much more meaningful goal than simply trying not to please others - one that can only be achieved by embracing judgement from our peers.

[trinaq]

I really needed to hear this today. I have been trying so hard to please everyone in my life, especially my family. However, I've learned that the most important person to please is myself, since your opinion is the only one that actually matters.

[brydon]

This is absolutely true ime 64 and suffered depression for years 😢 only now I have discovered everything you have talked about. I feel like like a weight as been lifted off my shoulders 😊

[KatyVLOGS]

I’m glad I don’t have to wait until I’m 50 to already believe and understand everything said in this video. Remaining authentically myself and not letting anyone get in my way is extremely freeing and makes life so much easier. Makes me look forward to the rest of my life

[vicchopin]

A wise man once said that it's "better to say a true NO than having to reap a sour YES".

[krokodyl]

I like that quote, ‘be loyal to yourself’.
Do more of what matters to yourself, but don’t deny feelings of empathy for others.
‘People pleasing’ does not equal empathy. 🌝

[SoniasWay]

When we make ourselves the priority instead of thinking about what other people expect us to be, only then we can move ahead in life.
Love from a fellow creator <3

[jonathonshaw]

Love it. Calling us all out and not pulling any punches! Brutally honest to the point that I find it both motivating and humerus.

People pleasing is definitely something I've caught myself doing, and am still actively working on. Looking forward to continuing to grow more into myself and discovering and honouring what truly makes me happy.

[tonatiuhnino]

It takes too much time and energy to care about what people think. I come to realize is that if people have a problem with me, that's their problem and not mine.