How is it narcissistic people have friends?

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[ardent]

From what I’ve experienced they’re only cruel to the people closest to them and the “friends” are usually flying monkeys or lower level narcissists themselves and they’re sort of getting supply from each other. In normal relationships you’re more loving and affectionate to the people closest to you, since narcissistic brains seem to be wired backwards they’re cruel and callous to the people closest to them and really kind to people at the surface level.

[janeloraine]

He always came home with a grand story of how valuable and irreplaceable HE was at work. Then the wheels came off came off - shame and blame. Then he got fired. That's when I learned his coworkers barely tolerated him, they said his was the only voice in the room that mattered. They also thought I was a saint to live with him! Amazing how different the story was when told by someone in the building with him day after day! Thanks Dr Ramani.

[robertcristando]

Sometimes their “friends” are also narcissists and they just blow sunshine up each other’s buttholes, feeding off each other when they’re together but then talking bad about them behind their back.
Sometimes they keep friends, less financially secure or less educated, around to make them feel better about themselves.
Didn’t see it at the time but the latter group actually only hung around because they felt sorry for her.
As for the former group, the way they treated their husbands should’ve been a major red flag for me!
All 20/20 hindsight!

[astrialindah]

Birds of a feather flock together I think this is how narcissists have friends.

[toshio]

They go for quantity over quality. The "friends" aren't actual friends but just acquaintances. The few that do get close end up either leaving or getting discarded since they see what the narcissists is like under the mask. As an introvert, I find it amazing how they can just talk to anyone and be the center of attention for a night. Sometimes a few friendships will come out of it, but they all end the same once they get to know the narcissist.

[alextownsend]

My previous next door neighbor served ten years in prison for killing his wife with three bullets to the head for suspecting her of an affair.
On his sixtieth birthday, more than 100 people showed up to celebrate with him. Maybe ten show for my birthday and I’ve never been any trouble to anyone anywhere. Go figure.

[carollynnlopez]

I can’t stand surface relationships. The narcissist will ask direct questions of a personal nature to you but not share much of their upbringing with you. Ask a question of them and all of a sudden you’re the bad guy. They take offense very easily and try to make everything about them.

[susanjones]

Narcissists don’t have friends, they have hostages. Everyone has a
an assigned role in the narcs life: whipping boy/girl-a listening post for their benefit not yours-someone to blame and gossip about etc.

[krystalMtn]

The covert I was married too actually didn't know that there were differences between people you've met a few times, people you work with, and people you've known for several years. He thought they were all his friends, all on the same level. He also didn't understand that there's a difference between knowing someone's name vs knowing them as a person. He often expected that I should have been willing to leave our young children with the parents of their friends. Never understanding that just because you meet someone, or they have children of their own doesn't automatically mean you know them well enough to leave your children with them for long weekend stays.

[lilylady]

It really adds to feeling of injustice when they have treated you so badly yet have all these friends. It takes my breath away how they can be so attractive to so many. They really do know how to be charismatic. Like you said they know how "to work the room" and they know how to do this at work, church, in other circles.

[hennisincoff]

As a child of a narcissistic parent I often witnessed how her intellect and Charisma were able to draw people in. As time went by and the mask began to slip, people realized that she wasn't their friend. She used her love to make them weak and her intellect to make them feel stupid. People began to leave and now I am the last man standing to be her punching bag and narcissistic Supply. I now know what I'm dealing with but this continues to wear me out to the point of exhaustion. My focus is out of whack & my friends & family are worried about me. I feel like a shell of my former self, but I continue to move slowly foward armed with knowledge & tools to help heal through this insidious abuse. Thank you Dr. Ramani for understanding & validating me. 💔🌻

[jade]

I worked with a lady, who in hindsight realized she was a narcissist. She had an outgoing, fun and feisty demeanor. We went shopping one day after work and she was obviously very bored. But later at work she raved to people how much fun we had shopping. It was all performative. It was the last time I spent time with her outside of work.

[steecie]

The narcissist in my life has "surface" friends. He is friends with those that support his Social Media Persona that he has met at a concert or bar once. He collects Social Media friends through limited contact. He floats from friend to friend and no one really knows how he is but what he projects. As soon as someone gets close enough to question him they're gone. We as a family tried for years but had to just go no contact because he was in a spiral and was weaponozing everything he knew about us. He tried to split my family up (myself, husband and 2 adult children) and turn us against one another. Funny enough, we come from very toxic families and recognize the signs and agreed as a family to go no contact.

[mantsukinohana]

This is spot on! All the narcissists I've had to deal with are actually skilled socialites, have lots of friends and have a very influential social network in their personal and professional lives (power loves power). So I would be very impressed and drawn to their abilities and popularity because I used to be very, very insecure about having too little friends or appearing like a loner. I even felt ashamed that my spouse lacked any close friends too! I used to feel deep shame if I didn't have a full calendar or weekend of outings or having my phone ring constantly in my teens and 20s. Now I'm a total homebody and love using my ample free time how ever I want to and no one needs to know how I spend my free time. Narcissists are also nosey and feel entitled to your personal information and details about you, and because I lacked boundaries and I would just tell them anything they wanted to know about me. I had no idea I was allowed to keep my personal life details to myself - like how many friends I have, what I do with friends, or what I do during my spare time. Those seem like innocent topics, but narcissists have maliciously taken advantage of me by revealing such information. I am much happier now that I'm committed to following my own rhythm and know that I don't have to reveal any information about myself for the comfort of others.

[lizgen]

My ex had what seemed like loads of friends. He has self righteous and vulnerable narc traits. I thought it was amazing how many people he could just call up and hang out with. I was in awe as an introverted person. I realise now that I am out of the relationship, that he had no boundaries, was able to invite himself to almost anything, got really passive aggressive when people turned him down. And then when he was with others, he would be all quiet and act like a victim, a martyr, or go and fall asleep in a corner after one drink ... So confusing at the time!

[IngaFox]

My narcissist ex came into my friend group, befriended everyone quickly, then threw me to the curb emotionally until I broke up with him. Everyone sided with him because he was so fun to be around and I was emotionally drained and not so fun anymore. These are people I was friends with irl for years but he played the innocent card very carefully. They can have him. They'll eventually find out his true self.

[BuckROCKGROIN]

Because there are different kinds of "friends", narcissists are typically adept at manipulation, some people are more vulnerable to manipulation than others, and narcissists target vulnerable people.

[indianuk]

Some people are bowled over by superficial charm and cannot see the insidious part that lies beneath.
Like Dr. Ramani, super charming people make me feel nervous or uneasy. It’s like there’s nothing human to connect to sometimes.

[barbaravaupel]

I always wondered why he didn't appeal to me. He was handsome, charming, and accomplished. Concert tickets, plays, parties and sporting events were fun experiences. The love bombing included beautiful roses. He was romantic. As I matured, I realized that what was missing was the depth. He wasn't able to be there for other people. His marriage failed. His children were train wrecks. His career was a success; he was empty. It was Providence that on some level I recognized his superficiality and found a man who had all his best qualities and more!

[R.Omar]

Friendship with a narcissist is like carrying a time bomb, you'll never know when it's gonna go BANG 💣 . Oh, the narcissist usually gets you to carry it around btw, so they're safe, , and they won't mourn the death of the friendship because it was never a friendship from their POV 🤔