A Narcissistic Parent Checklist

If you had a parent with strong narcissistic tendencies, your challenge is to take family mannerisms into a much healthier direction. To keep you focused, Dr. Les Carter has listed 15 top trends common to narcissistic parents. Once you spot their tactics, you are on your way to making lasting improvements.

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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.

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[lilvalentine]

The best thing I learned from my mother was how NOT to treat my children.

[rolandrothwell]

My mother taught me nothing. She put me under continuous stress, fear and worry. She destroyed my self worth.

[p]

Narc parents don't care about the child's actual progress, emotions etc., they only care about the child following their demands, and maintaining their image as the best parent.

[realhealing]

Narcissistic parents want complete obedience. You will only receive acceptance if you do and be what they want. I felt like a slave in my narcissistic family. Walking on eggshells for decades. I finally went no contact. Abusive family systems don't change. They want conformity only. Individuals will be punished or discarded if they don't comply.

[nahomelion]

imagine having TWO narcisstic parents. The story of my life

[RatedArggg]

My covert narcissist mother taught us one thing: She was always right, and we were always wrong.

[LordShockwave]

What the child of a narcissistic parent truly is, is an unwanted orphan. They're incapable of love, or caring, or compassion. They don't love you: they tolerate you. Once I learned this, it was painful and saddening, but ultimately set me free.

[taraarrington]

Not only are they not there for you when you need them the most but that is when they choose to come against you

[jujubean]

"Narcsistic parents want to make you into a version of what THEY NEED." Thank you Dr. Carter, I feel so seen right now.

[warrenbradford]

15 Traits of a Narcissistic Parent Checklist:
1. Maximum telling, minimal discussing.
2. Reminders about the chain of command.
3. Inconsistency between public/private persona.
4. "Discipline" is not really discipline.
5. Manipulative use of reward and punishment.
6. Erratic moods, set off by trivia, selfish preferences.
7. When the child is immature, the narcissist is more so.
8. Separateness becomes a referendum about the parent.
9. Unavailable during critical moments.
10. Criticism is the norm.
11. Anger is abrupt, harsh, demeaning.
12. Expecting apologies, but offering no apology.
13. Unfulfilled promises, passive-aggressive patterns.
14. Loyalty is required as an obligation.
15. Stonewalling, silent treatment, withdrawal.

My narcissistic mother has trait number 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 10, 11, 14, and 15. Her narcissism, which she gets from her mother, is generational curse me and my siblings has suffered from. I will make sure I end it by the time I raise my own children.

[genuphobia]

The worst part for me is the fact that they will never apologize and never feel remorse, no matter what I try to say or do. They'll always just think I was crazy and they were right. They still have my little brothers on their side and they all think I was just the failure of the family. Even though I graduated high school, have a stable job, and my own apartment with the love of my life. It won't ever be enough.

[dinky-diridgy-didge]

You owe me
My way or the highway
Control
Double Standards
Jealousy
Contempt
Sadistic
Pyschotic
Hate
Selfish
Manipulation
Gaslighting
Punishment
I'm sure there's more I've forgotten to mention

[imnoel]

Lots of truth in this list. Another one, the narcissist parent can't stand their child's happiness-they see it as a threat to their inflated sense of superiority. The slightest expression of joy, and down comes the shame hammer. It can make it a real challenge to allow oneself to have fun, or even smile.

[SuntoryPop]

#1 on the list has to be “conditional love”. You want love you better feed the parent what they want, when they want it, how they want it etc. Of course there is no actual love with a narc, as narcs only love themselves.

[davashorb]

Mom was always so disgusted and exasperated with my not being like her. How many times I heard her say, " You just always have to be different, don't you!". I quickly learned to hide my true self from her.

[SoGoodWeNamedIt]

The best example of narc parents is that kids are like playing with dolls. Our purpose is to act out scenarios for their entertainment.

[spiritualone]

My bio mom is 92 years old and a hard core narcissist. My childhood to adulthood has been traumatic. I’ve had to create distance. Thank you for the video Dr Carter.

[Imoenn]

It's very difficult when your parents are Narcissists, very very confusing and the worst part of it is people on the outside saying "They're good people." or the "What? They don't seem like that to me..." which keeps you stuck in the vicious cycle of never being enough and it always being your fault.

[cc]

My mother is 94 and still at it. My siblings and father are her flying monkeys and I will forever be the outcast scapegoat child. One thing is for sure. Narcissists never change.

[Dj.D]

I noticed narcissistic parents or one of the parents always have weird rules for their kids to follow that no one else does or is very uncommon. Some of these parents also seem overprotective or very strict. Often these rules or ideas don’t benefit the kids in anyway. There’s no real life lesson or common sense to these rules.