The Baffling Vulnerable Narcissist: A 12 Point Checklist

Dr. Les Carter helps you understand a form of narcissism called Vulnerable Narcissism. It is baffling because these individuals are often quiet and can be introverted, meaning they do not show their colors right away. But over time, you will see how their behaviors fit the main descriptors of narcissism, just not in the grandiose ways as some of their more obvious counterparts. To assist you, Dr. Carter offers a 12 point checklist.

Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who lives in Dallas, Tx. In the past 40 years he has conducted more than 60,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.

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Join Dr. Carter on our Facebook page, Surviving Narcissism, for a time of live questions and answers each Thursday at 11:30 Central Time, U.S.

[inirafitzpatrick]

When they shame you for your “negative” emotions and expect you to comfort them through theirs...

[maureena]

1. very emotionally delicate
2. highly critical of others
3. quiet smugness
4. constant need for reassurance
5. passive aggressive
6. deep shut downs
7. victim mentality
8. poor listening skills
9. drain emotional energy in a social situation
10. cynical regarding other's successes
12. self-sabotage

[brandyoctober]

The tell tell sign of any narcissist is putting their needs above everyone else at all times

[DeborahLArmstrong]

They have to be the one who suffers the most. No one ever has it worse than them. You could be in a hospital bed dying of cancer and they will sit there and moan about their rotten life. It's like they are in a competition with you, like the "Pain Olympics" or something.

[wellnesspathforme]

The worst part is the multiple personality part. They can be very fun and pleasant among more surface level friends and coworkers, but they can be completely different and cold-hearted towards their family members.

[jimboy]

You usually feel worse after you've spent time with them. Also they misunderstand things you say and when you try to explain they've already moved on.

[melomadre]

This is spot on! What is really scary is the vulnerable narcissist who is also able to turn this behaviour on and off at will, appearing charming when it serves their purposes.

[sheilajac]

raised by one - this is a cinch!
1) gossips & snoops
2) backstabs/triangulates - communication is always indirect
3) critical
4) manipulative
5) martyr/victim complex - seeks sympathy, not empathy
6) extremely emotionally immature
7) envious of other women (or men but they're usually women, no?)
8) belittling
9) enamoured with celebrities & fame
10) "faultless"/blameless
11) shallow/vain
12) morbid/sadistic ie schadenfreude
13) contemptuous, petty, indifferent (added extras for good luck)

[lawrencefrank]

Perfect description of my wife. The rollercoaster ride has become boring and disgustingly predictable. I used to crave a real conversation with her. Constantly wondering why I cant actually connect on an emotional level. everything is fake and false. dry and impersonal. for the longest I thought it was me, right up until our kids were old enough to communicate and express feelings. I love my babies. She hates that I adore our children. My son watches your videos, you have improved our lives immeasurably.
THANK YOU!

[rebeccawoolfolk]

I like how Dr. Carter often ends his videos by suggesting things we can work on in ourselves. It's so easy to sit in judgment and think, "Well, I'm not a narcissist, so I'm ok, " but we all have things we can work on.

[colbysmom]

They will hold on to grudges until they need that person for something again. Then they call them up out of the blue and expect that person to do their bidding. Really odd behavior.

[GypsyMaeRose]

They just can't bear to see other people happy.

[MrNemitri]

It's interesting how many traits a vulnerable narcissist shares with borderline personality disorder.

[tad]

Whatever they acuse you of is what they are doing at the time.

[lornayuen]

It’s like describing my husband. Today is a bad day. Didn’t know what offended him. Suddenly I get a cold shoulder, silent treatment, glum and sulky face. Like a five year old having a tantrum. They jump to some conclusion without any discussion and suddenly you are guilty as charged. Countless times my words have been misconstrued and used against me. I usually wonder if he even understands basic communication.

[xLittle_Lilithx]

I'm currently cutting ties with a close friend who checks every box on this list. They are SO emotionally manipultive. I'm putting my foot down. No more!

[emchammer]

I love blasting these videos on high volume so that the narcissists can hear them

[jmg]

This is SO spot on. My ex wife. Well, this and the alcoholism and food addiction. No wonder I was miserable. It’s impossible to have a rational conversation with these people. And if you try to discuss your feelings/needs, forget about it.

[caroline]

I went out with a vulnerable narcissist. Never have I had to walk on eggshells this much. Their silence is incredibly cruel, and they will never admit the harm they do. If a smallest thing is not to their liking they will just walk out without communicating and leave you worried and confused, not even knowing what you did wrong. I’m so glad I ended it but the damage they did was very deep.

[marleym]

They only engage when it’s someone they want to impress or that they are attracted to. They will sit pouting or just staring and act like saying a single word is difficult but the moment they see that girl/guy they are into they will light up and try to show off etc. Then go right back to being a lump of dull negative energy the moment their potential supply is gone. It’s so creepy.