The Avoidant Secret Behind Every Breakup!

If you want to learn to build a fulfilling lifelong relationship with the man you love and help him understand and cherish you in return, pick up your copy right now.

Ever wondered why some couples break up while others stay together and fall in love again? In this video, I'm diving deep into the secret factor that drives 95% of relationship endings. With over 15 years of professional training and clinical experience, I've identified a key factor that often determines whether a relationship will last or end in heartbreak.

I'm Adam Lane Smith, The Attachment Specialist. Throughout my career, I've helped thousands of people, first as a therapist and now as a coach. Today, I will reveal how the avoidant attachment style is the primary reason even strong couples may lose the love of their life, and what you can do to protect your relationship from this hidden threat.

What You'll Learn in This Video:

The exact moment when a relationship is most at risk of ending.
How avoidant attachment style develops from childhood experiences and its impact on adult relationships.
Common behaviors of avoidantly attached individuals that contribute to relationship breakdowns.
Effective strategies to manage and prevent relationship crises, particularly when dealing with avoidant partners.
How to maintain calm and open communication to prevent or handle breakups constructively.
If you're new to the concept of avoidant attachment, this video will provide you with a clear understanding and practical advice on how to navigate and strengthen your relationship. For those familiar with my channel, I'll build on previous discussions and offer new insights and actionable steps.

Additional Resources:

Check out my videos on "The Biology of Avoidant Attachment Style" and "What Men with Avoidant Attachment Style Need to Be Happy" for a deeper dive into these topics.
If you're facing a potential breakup, learn how to effectively manage that critical moment with the techniques discussed in this video.
For a comprehensive guide on building a healthy relationship with an avoidant partner, explore my video course "How to Love an Avoidant Man."
By the end of this video, you'll clearly understand what's driving the final decision in breakups and how to prevent it from happening in your relationship. Let's go!

Join The Mentorship Program:

Subscribe to The Attachment Newsletter:

If you enjoyed this video and want more content like this, do me a favor: be sure to hit that like button, leave a comment, and don't forget to subscribe to the channel!

Share it with your friends, and hit that notification bell so you never miss an update. 🛎️ Let's grow this amazing community together! 🚀

Work with Adam Lane Smith, The Attachment Specialist:

The 4 Attachment Styles Guide - Free! 📥

If you’ve struggled in dating or marriage and worry you’re not good enough, worry no more. The Attachment Specialist Adam Lane Smith wrote this guide to show you how to stop fearing abandonment and start building healthy relationships. Through his proven step-by-step method for repairing attachment, Adam will teach you what people really want from you, how to give and receive love without fear, what red flags to avoid, and how you can build a lifetime love with a partner you trust.

Slaying Your Fear - A Book For People Who Grapple With Insecurity

Connect with Adam on your second preferred platform:

Chapters:
00:00:00 - The Secret Factor in Relationship Endings
00:02:39 - The Contribution of Avoidant Attachment Style to Breakups
00:05:15 - The Vicious Cycle of Withdrawal and Resentment
00:07:51 - Managing the Moment of Loss
00:10:33 - The Importance of Maintaining Calm and Control
00:13:23 - Building a Mutually Beneficial Relationship
00:15:55 - The Importance of Asking Questions During a Breakup
00:18:41 - Bonding During a Breakup
00:21:28 - Handling the Moment of Loss in a Breakup
00:24:09 - What Men with an Avoidant Attachment Style Need to Be Happy

[lindagonino]

I’ll be avoiding avoidants from now on.

[kbc]

In listening to this, I now understand I handled the break up "right" and it was the BIGGEST MISTAKE of my life! He broke up with me, I stayed cool, calm, we discussed things and got back together. And then got married and spent another miserable 5 yrs together in a brutal intimacy anorexia situation. If I had acted like I felt during that first break up rather than meeting him where he was at, being so calm, cool, collected, supportive, etc. I would have saved so much pain and misery and maybe even had the opportunity to meet someone else and have children before it was too late. As it is, I never got that chance because I wasted too many years on an avoidant man who never wanted to make any changes.

[WahkeenaSitka]

This video is an EXACT step by step breakdown of what happened in my relationship with my ex-boyfriend. We broke up about a year and a half ago. We were together for about 2 1/2 years. The first 5 months were amazing, and then the drop off happened by month 7 and then I became more and more lonely. I've never felt more lonely than I was when I was "in a relationship" with my dismissive avoidant ex.

[MaryWong-pnzm]

I just saw my avoidant from a distance. I had a rush of anger and sadness. I had to walk away to maintain my composure. He looked happy. I felt it was so unfair after what he put me through. I knew in that moment that no matter how hard I would try, it would never be normal. It's too hard. A healthy relationship is equal give and take. I choose to be in a healthy relationship.

[tszling]

What I've learnt from them is that no matter how much you compromise, a small gesture or grand gesture, they do not appreciate you as the way you want them to be. They have their own standard, do not compromise easily and will take you for granted. Now if you confront them, telling them how they ignored your emotions, they may apologise but will still defend themselves and then push you away. To them, relationships are always about winning or losing, even with the loved ones. This is so sad. I am not grieving over the end of the relationship, but people like them are in a loop of self sabotage. They can never find peace within themselves if they haven't developed self-awareness.

[kittydoggyMeow]

I tried honest and open communication and they don't want that.

[jojochara]

I had a brutal break up with an avoidant man a couple years ago. Staying calm really is the best thing you can do for yourself. He blamed me, twisted virtues into flaws, whatever he could dig into (even bringing up my past hurts and saying I was a red flag for them even happening to me) At certain point I realized he wasn’t negotiable and just told him I trusted him. He was stunned and questioned why I trusted him, which still puzzles me to this day. But I stayed kind, thanked him, and we never spoke again.
Being respectful and never chasing and letting a person go who wants to go, is the best thing you can do in this situation. The silence is the closure in it’s self.

[bezza]

Absolutely true it's called stone walling. Amongst other horrible abuse they inflict. No accountability or responsibility at all shift blaming. Come On this a a little boy in a grown mans body. 😢

[michellepackman]

I really appreciate you outlining some metrics to tell if something has potential. I really love my partner now. He’s such a sweet man. I feel so bad that he is afraid to feel a deep connection, and the times we have talked, he has stayed calm and serious. I know I’m making him face this and work on it by being myself and being kind to him. I wish I could crawl into that little cave in his mind and hug the little child who didn’t get what he needed, but just like people with NPD, they have to save themselves. It just takes so much of our time as empaths. So much of my life waiting. I’m sad for both of us.

[jsing]

If the avoidant doesn’t do any work. None of these methods work long term. One sided relationship

[bigthangz]

7:01-You think avoidants TELL you when they want to leave. NO!! You're being too kind. They sneak out. Try 2 manipulate & sabotage the relationship so they can sidestep the guilt of knowing that they ended a relationship that was suppose 2 progress.

[Jackietreehorn-ze]

My ex gf was avoidant. Wonderful woman who I had to part with. It's mind-numbing how they can make you feel. Never had an argument in over a year of dating. She was also a flight attendant. Never date one. Flying is the best job to have as an avoidant. Miss her each day, but I moved on. I hope she's well. This guy's explanation is spot on.

[TriggerTravels]

Bahaha getting the avoidant to sit down and talk about soemthing? Good luck!

[silvana.ximena]

I broke up with my avoidant a week ago (I did my best to self-regulate while doing so) because I was exhausted after months of trying to make the relationship work (individual therapy, I showed him your videos, better communication, getting rid of my anxious attachment).

Sometimes it felt like I was doing all the work because his effort was love crumbs for me, and he wanted more time to "heal". I wasn't willing to wait for him anymore.

After a few days he claims he's made a mistake and he wants to "prove" that he wants me back. I love him, but I'm not sure I can trust him anymore. I'm really hurt and disappointed; I fear he does the exact same thing again.

Edit: we were together for 6 years.

[LivyWithWhiskey]

Hmmm yeah a 30 min guide on how to be there for your partner while they’re breaking up with you? With a minefield of steps to take just to hold on to the sliver of hope they’ll maybe stay another day? I made it about 20 seconds in & realized that’s ridiculous lol too much work. The irony is they’re the ones that think everyone else is too needy 😂
Just go find a secure. It’s not worth it, dudes. The currency for these crazy ‘relationships’ is your self esteem! You just become burnt out from catering to their needs all the time and become some sort of weird emotional slave & then it’ll be “your fault” for not “holding boundaries”. There’s 50/50 odds you find a secure and my life magically got easier as soon as I did. Learn from literally anyone in the comments!!

[ForrestMystic]

"I can't be the man you want me to be, you deserve better." Yup, that's it. He had told me how happy he was with me just 2 weeks before. Talk about getting the rug pulled out from under you.

[Shannonatorrr]

While this information is very valuable, i still find myself angry that the emotional awareness, growth, and regulation is completely dumped on the partner to learn and manage. How about "how to build a successful relationship as an avoidant person"? Both people need to be aware and learn strategies to communicate and make decisions, not dump it all on one partner to do all the emotional work.

[Chris-hzbw]

Questions? My avoidant hated being asked questions. Asking questions resulted in severe emotional disregulation.

[hallelujah]

Just as you said, after about 5 months of 'we're not a couple' (even though his closest friends felt we were) he said,
"Go and find someone who can give you what you need"

[jenniferjamison-lqvn]

The smartest thing to do is run and count your blessings that you don’t have to exist in a relationship where you’re forbidden to display authentic emotion. Only other avoidants work within this dynamic. They are the ones that need the help. A healthy person would welcome authenticity, regardless of what that looks like. If you need a strategy that’s inauthentic to who you really are, you’re with the wrong person! This sounds crazy to me! You will spend all your time trying to hold onto something you don’t have because of their inaccurate perception of things due to the fact they are seeing through trauma lenses.