Managing 'cheerful pressure' in narcissistic relationships

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.

THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[klarapletl]

Being cheerful is the essential part of the “walking on eggshells” routine…

[krystal]

Whenever I would try to stand up for myself my narcissistic mother would always say " what happened to my sweet daughter. You used to be so sweet."

[ninac]

My mom forced me to play guitar in the church worship team every Sunday. I hated it because of extreme social anxiety. My mom didn't care.
After the first few services my mom was like "Why don't you smile up there? Everyone else is smiling and you're frowning. Be happy that you're worshipping God!"
My whole life I have shut down my own emotions to benefit others. It's all starting to make sense. Thank you Dr. Ramani.

[angeliquebiller]

Very true! And what was even more confusing to me (and my siblings) while growing up with this type of parents, was that "yes" we were pressured to show cheerfulness when we were YET when we truly WERE cheerful, we would be met with or even wrath and rage! It seemed as if we always "felt the wrong way"... Soooo confusing!

[PriyankaBaranwal]

I have narc parents and all the time they wanted us to look happy and together no matter how broken we were inside and our relationships. They cared only about how our family looked instead of felt!

[rebeccavick]

Absolutely! I was expected to smile and be happy no matter how I felt. And I had to "stuff" my other emotions. Even after my boyfriend who was killed in a car accident when I was a teenager, I was expected to be cheerful and happy. It has really screwed me up to the point where I have been depressed for the last 40+ years and numb to feeling anything at all, except an overwhelming anger.

[sindyhope]

I am now an adult and still, if I'm not busy or smiling I'm mentally ill labeled as my mother committed suicide so I ALWAYS am the "sick" one! Narsasistic family systems are horrific and now going through a divorce from a domestic violence marriage I only see ALL this now.... You don't know until you know!

[ashleynoelle]

Yes, I’ve experienced this “cheerful pressure”. Everything had to be light, entertaining and attractive.

[tinaralls]

Yes! Required by narcissistic parents to act happy, and if I cried, was told I was crying crocodile tears to get my way.

[stariadreamtea]

Stepford Wives. "The other mother" in Coraline. WE ARE A *HAPPY* FAMILY! snarled through gritted teeth. My mother outlawed sadness - so it pushed me into being a teenage Goth! 😄 I feel a lot of Goths were probably creative children of Narcisstic families who ban and penalize raw emotions. Staple those smiles on!

[One-Goth]

Exactly this. People have no idea how to respond when you tell them you aren't doing well. And, as you say, telling you that things aren't that bad, when your heart has been shattered into a million pieces and you cry everyday, doesn't help one bit.

[lisamr]

OMG!! My mother used to say all those things to me. Or she would walk by me at a function and say "you better start smiling." I used to yell at her and say "I cannot go around everyday, all day smiling, people are gonna think I'm crazy." It was horrible. The problem I got into was I didn't listen to them, I fought back. I'm still fighting back...for 53 years now. I was ALWAYS miserable According to my mother. Needless to say I went no contact several years ago and it's been so much better, mentally. Thanks again Dr. Ramani!!

[kire]

My narc wife, 50th birthday right after New Years during Covid with her parents and sister at our house, and 40 neighbors outside our home serenading her. Oh. My. G….. Finally figured out what this all is after 22 yrs of exhaustion. Executing my strategic exit plan now. Out by 1st qtr ‘23.

[jillfiorillo]

The person I was dating just said this to me yesterday! He said I “wasn’t any fun anymore” and that I “wasn’t the same person he met years ago.” He didn’t care or want to admit that the reason I live in a constant state of hell is because he’s a compulsive liar, consistently gaslit me, and destroyed my reputation where I live because he was going around town to bars and his work playing victim by using a curated narrative these people believe. I blocked him on everything last night so here’s to hoping I can follow through and avoid going back again. It’s amazing how predictable and similar narcissists are, such that when you speak, it’s as if you’re addressing us personally. It’s validating in a way that encourages me to leave and provides healing. Thank you for everything you do.

[ezb]

This video is SOOO important for me. I am in my 60s and my mother in her 90s and she still orders me to be cheerful. About a year ago, I had a call with her where I told her I was sad because a close friend had become seriously ill and was facing a serious operation and possibly death. At the end of the call, she said, “Next time we talk, be more cheerful!” I no longer obey these orders, but I have realized that I have a tendency to do a softer version of them to other people. I am now working on responding to friends’ non-cheerful moods by listening, sympathizing and allowing space for those feelings instead of trying to make them feel better.

[ohidontknow]

I used to encourage happiness. Genuinely thought i was doing a good thing. A few years ago I saw a Dr Ramani video about invalidating kids feelings. I had no clue that's what I was doing. I changed immediately and I am very much grateful for Dr Ramanis advice as its greatly improved my relationships.

[harbyarby]

“You’re ugly today!” A parent said to me around 9y/o-I only remember being grumpy (but upon learning more about toxicity I was being gaslit and reacting to it). That statement changed my life.

Also: “smiiiiLE.” As a command.
“Aren’t you opinionated.”
“Don’t cry.”
“At least you’re not starving or…, you should be grateful.” (I am!)
Totally ignored when having emotions or expressing serious opinions
(as a punishment?) Very effective:/

Thank you Dr. Ramani!!

[Donita]

When I was a child my narcissistic alcoholic father would physically abuse my mother and sexually abused me. And yeah we kids were always expected to be careful and happy. But as a child I had so many physical problems. Stuttering, uncontrollable bowel movements, constant stomach aches and terrible itchy rashes. So what I'm saying is yes that abuse will come out physically to hurt you because at the time I felt like I had to be a robot and be and do as I was told.

[Dreamseeker]

Thanks for the clarification. Because my ex narc was more of a malignant/self-righteous kind of personality. And if I was having A-day where I was in a good mood and was cheerful and happy I would actually upset him and sometimes send him into a rage. He would want to know why and/or who made me so happy.

[julieb]

I always had a smile on my face, but I was struggling with depression and suicidal ideation. Once I got out of those relationships, my symptoms got better. Funny how that works!