Why you can't tell your kids how badly your narcissistic coparent treats you

ORDER MY NYT BESTSELLING BOOK 📖 "IT'S NOT YOU"

JOIN MY HEALING PROGRAM

JOIN THE DR. RAMANI NETWORK

GET INFO ABOUT MY UPCOMING PROGRAM FOR THERAPISTS

SIGN UP FOR MY MAILING LIST

LISTEN TO MY NEW PODCAST "NAVIGATING NARCISSISM"

DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.

THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[elligerrard]

My mother (a conditioned enabler) has told me all about my father's narcissistic behaviours and I'm glad she did. Not only did it help me to recognise and understand his confusing and threatening behaviours were not normal, but it helped me to not identify with or internalise the trauma he caused. For example, as a child I often blamed myself for his rage, but knowing he was a narcissist, I could release the identification with the responsibility for his moods (and the moods of men in future relationships). NOT explaining narcissistic behaviour means children accept it as normal when it is absolutely abnormal. I would agree if children are young and they have, so far, only ever witnessed the narc's nice, friendly, fun, charismatic false self don't tell them, but once they're a bit older and they start to notice behaviours like rage, gas-lighting, baiting, manipulation, etc, personally I think it's important they are told as soon as they are mature enough to understand.

[inkystarz]

Telling children the truth, without maligning the narcissist, is imperative. I remember being a child who was lied to and I’m not going to do it.

[angelasmith]

It’s tremendously painful when your kid(s) are unhappy with you for parenting them because the narcissistic parent only shows them their “on” side.

[jerrysstories]

I can't agree. It was enormously comforting to me as an abused child to know that other adults knew my mother was in the wrong. I wish one of those adults had been my father.

[lysaarvideo]

My mom gave up hiding the facts, when I was in my teens. It actually helped me. We knew, we felt the same.

[tamynetable]

I can't wrap my head around not telling the adult child the truth. I am sorry, but there is a need there for understanding.

[dearbeloved]

In my opinion kids are smarter than we give them credit we don’t need to tell them because they will see it on their own. My son is 13 and I use situations to teach him about boundaries, etc. Trust me you don’t need to say anything kids see and hear it all.

[chioma]

I actually don’t know if this is a good idea. I think honesty is always the best way, but raising the kids should be the priority. It’s not about speaking ill of the narcissist co-parent it’s about explaining what is happening so they don’t become desensitised to the dysfunction

[bethwhitton]

My motivation is protecting my child from entering into unhealthy friendships and relationships in his life. Instead of telling my son about his narcissistic Dad, I provide education to help him as he decides who to be friends with in school. The topics are relationship red flags, how to deal with bullies, setting boundaries, knowing personal values, etc. if he knows these things then if he experiences poor treatment from his Dad, he will recognize it and will have the tools to addresses it in the way that is right for him. Hope this helps others. Good luck to you all.

[lindainphx]

It was never a secret how my covert narc ex treated me. He did it openly in front of the kids from the time they were young and they grew up observing it all. I remember them asking me why their dad throws temper tantrums "like a 2 year old". And them asking "Wow, what's WRONG with him?" They were grade school age at the time. I have 4 daughters and once they hit puberty he started treating them/speaking to them just the same as he did me. He's said some really fowl things to them. Of course, he was one person in our home, and a completely different one in public. When I finally divorced him, they all thanked me and asked me why I waited so long.

[AndhraAdapaduchu]

The first victim in toxic relationship is the truth. Pretending to be happy, everything is normal to the world and kids takes a huge toll. Kids will know, they always do because they are hurt the most in this families. Both the adults made their choices to be in it for various reasons, but kids didn't. They are stuck in this toxic family environment which hurts them when in it and haunts them life long even after they leave the house.

[jsandoval]

The whole point is you can’t do or say anything to help the child from narcissistic abuse. The courts should take more actions against this damaging form of child mental abuse

[nicolaoneill]

I’m watching this as I am packing to leave. He has told them I’m breaking the family. That he loves me so much etc. I’ve kept the abuse from them all their lives. They are young adults, both at university (youngest just left and I stayed in the home for Christmas but can finally get out!). I’m having to move four and five hours away from the lights in my life. I’m broken. But I will not speak ill of him. I won’t break their hearts and re-write their childhoods by telling them what he is. Hopefully he won’t either but that’s on him. Twenty four years of abuse. Two years of watching your videos has awoken me from the slumber. I’m broken but determined to start again.

[lasphynge]

Yes! Yes yes yes! Do not burden your children with extra information about adult problems BUT don't deny their reality if they bring up *their* experience with their parent. Do not add to it, but do not deny or reframe it either.
My mother took the "don't speak badly of the other parent" a bit too far, and probably also underestimated what was going on at our father's house. When we came complaining that he was being horrible and said horrible things to us, I guess she thought her role was to assure us that despite his behaviour, deep down, she was sure he still did love us dearly, and he just had difficulties expressing it normally. Indeed... I think I heard that my father loved me many more times from my mother than from his own mouth. It's kind of tragic because I know it cost my mother a lot to say those things, now that I've grown up and heard more about her side of the story. It's a terrible misunderstanding, she meant well and she thought that for our sake, she had to force herself and make sure we heard we were loved by both our parents. But as the reality didn't match... I internalized the idea that basically, if someone disrespects you, yells at you, shames you, rages, becomes forceful etc., it's their clumsy way to express how much they love you... and I went on to be drawn to red flags in my social and romantic life. Oh the relationship disasters that ensued... but after seeing the pattern repeated a number of times with the same painful outcome over and over, I eventually learned and grew.
I was recently finally able to discuss those things with my mother, as adults. It used to be a very triggering topic for both of us, so I didn't expect it to come up in the conversation or try to make it happen. But it did, and it seems we've both made much progress in processing the past, and it was a very unexpected but wholesome moment, I feel all the more connected with her and anchored in my truth.

[lorimiller]

When the father calls his 15 year old daughter a fat slob, lazy, and screams in her face because she’s giving her opinion and standing up for herself - it’s time to tell her the truth ! Even though she knows he’s abusive it’s time to leave and protect your children from their toxic unhealthy parent. Kids need to know, these people are like criminals and I don’t want my kids around people like that. Thanks Dr. R ❤

[Elizabethpepper]

BIG DIFFERENCE between speaking badly of someone and speaking honestly. If someone behaves badly, then what is one to do? Sugar coat and lie?

If anyone behaves abusively or toxic, its cruical to talk to the child. Focus on the behaviour though not person.

This is how i approach things eith my child and his ASPD father. Once he actually said, "its ok if you want to say mean things about dad- he always does about you".

[hopekassandra]

I did everything @DoctorRamani said not to do and lost my only child. I didn't know what narcissistic abuse was at the time of my divorce. My ex weaponized our child against me and my child began to gaslight and abuse me in the same manner as my ex. When I took up for myself my child discarded me and I have not seen or heard from my child in over a year. It's been devastating but I'm determined to keep living so I'm back in therapy. I know that I may never have a healthy relationship with my child and it has broken me. I must accept it and move on but I still pray everyday that my child will be ok.

[coleenpowell]

Having been through it all, I can say the best thing for the non-narcissistic parent to do is lots of self-care and personal development. As the kids become teenagers and young adults, they will start seeing through the narcissistic parent as if they were completely transparent and they will see all their pretentious ways. The non-narcissistic parent doesn't need to say much. Kind of like watching a movie play out on its own without giving away the ending. Kids are so very smart 🤓. They discover things on their own. Just don't gaslight them. It will backfire.

[euchiron]

I saw what was going on. They didn't realize I could see. I carried those lessons through adulthood. I acted out that normalized dysfunction as years of trauma-bonded relationships.

"We don't talk about those things in this family" is a recipe for mental illness. Just don't follow this path.

I wish there could be an easier way through this. Silence and pretense teach the opposite of emotional growth.

[IsisChandlerx]

I was a member of a support group for children of narcissistic parents. Every single person in the group who had figured out there was something wrong with their narcissistic parent during childhood (because an adult in their lives told them the truth or they had figured it out on their own) was so much better off than the people who had figured it out in adulthood. Those who had figured it out in childhood were overall healthier. They had broken out of their dysfunctional families. They were happily married, raising children, and had careers they loved. Those who had figured it out in adulthood were still stuck in their dysfunctional families. They were suffering from tons of health issues. They had never married or married an abusive person. They were all working in jobs they hated. The sooner you accept the reality that your parent is a narcissist, the sooner the healing begins and the better off you are going to be. Children are way more intelligent than adults give them credit for. Nine times out of ten they already know something is wrong with their narcissistic parent. When other adults don't point out how unacceptable the narcissistic parent's behavior is, it normalizes toxic behavior and does more harm than good for the child. Tell your kids the truth so they will grow up prepared to live in our imperfect world.