CPTSD Makes You FEEL Like Unavailable People Just 'Find' You

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I get hundreds of letters from viewers who wonder why they "attract" unavailable, exploitative, sick or abusive people. In this video I respond to a letter from a woman with trauma wounds from childhood,who wonders if it's a coincidence that she has secret "friendships" with men who are older and married. Hear my tough-love response about how to face reality and change this harmful pattern, so she can find real love at last.
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[yai]

LISTEN TO HER! I wish I saw this before I let me CPTSD convince me I could entertain an unavailable person. Only pain, loss, regret and shame.

[vivianworden]

Actually these types play the numbers game. Its not that we attract jerks. These people hit on everyone until they strike oil. 🙄

[morgantomlinson]

I love how Anna gets straight to the point! She entirely ignores the common narratives, rationales, or dancing around awful situations. She is just willing to say IT'S WRONG!! It amazes me how many people will rationalize homewrecking, it's just a terrible situation that can be genuinely traumatizing for the people involved, especially if the existing relationship involves kids. Heartbreaking. Thank you Anna for your wonderful advice.

[Areutherehello]

This happened to me once a long time ago. A married man led me on, made up this sob story about his marriage being on the rocks, and how he was miserable, but "I was the one he'd been searching for " blah blah blah. I believed him and emotionally--it never became sexual, he took me for one hell of a ride. When I found out that he had bookmarked me and that he had already married another affair partner, it just about darn near broke me in half. I mean, I got REALLY hurt emotionally and psychologically. I realized that fateful day that he had just been using me all along. Just using me for an ego boost, just to feel like he was some God-annointed stud. It hurt to finally understand that I was one of many--not so special after all. My spirit and self-esteem went into a tailspin and almost four years later, it still hurts me if I think about it too much. Now, I'm working on my CPTSD and limerence issues, and not interested in pursuing a romantic relationship. I want to find love someday, but I'm not ready. And that's ok.

[designchik]

Listening to her letter brought back a lot of memories for me. I was often approached by married men in the workplace who certainly picked up on my desperate need to be validated by a man because of my dad’s emotional abuse. In most cases, it never led to anything, I think because I wasn’t pretty enough. But they did use me to get their needs met in the office: extra work, overtime, running errands, adoration, etc. It took me a long time to wake up to the fact that I was the only person who could end these one-sided relationships and take back my power. As a dear friend of mine used to say, “What do you get when you marry a man who cheats on his wife? A man who cheats on his wife.” It rarely ends well, Gwen. ❤

[lovenosa]

At that age I attracted a lot of married men too. They know who to prey on. The issue is when you entertain them. Pathetic men are very attracted to excessively agreeable women which is a very common trait among young women who didn’t get father love. I had it too. Now I’m old enough and healed enough to tell them off at the first sign of boundary crossing.

[jillainenewman]

I never had any involvements with the married variety, but I do apparently "attract" emotionally unavailable men exclusively. Every one was a taker and I was the giver. Now in my 50s, I'm single and I don't pursue relationships anymore at all. And you know what? I'm literally the happiest and most content I've ever been in my life.

[waynepolo]

"Bookmarking." I so love hearing and learning new language for these phenomena in interpersonal relationships.

[justjules]

Yes sweetheart LISTEN! This will not end well. I’ve been there and done that and feel deep regret and shame decades later. You have to heal this within yourself and it’s really something only you can do. You also have to really realize how worthy you are of real love and respect. The attention feels amazing until you look back and realize what it really was. Stay strong xx♥️

[theunrestrictedbookclub]

I agree. I’ve been in this situation before and years later I’m still healing the wounds from it. Regardless of anyone else, being ‘the other woman’ is self destruction.

[venomousbluefrog]

There are so many people out there who will weaponize your limerence against you, it's really awful.

[MrErik]

I am a male who discovered I had CPTSD from watching your videos. Since then, I’ve join BetterHelp. I’ve being doing both individual and group therapy. I also was introduced to a book called No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover. Really opened my eyes. I am in the process of a paradigm shift while currently being in a relationship. It’s very hard work. I hope my guy sticks around. But I know I am in a better place in part thanks to you.

[Dan_Chiron]

Omg, this! For the sake of your well being, don't even enter into muddy waters. If something feels wrong, it is wrong. When I was 17, I met this 30yo guy who never asked me to have a relationship (until I confronted him), yet he made sure to appear as we were in a relationship, even made it look like we lived together. He wasn't married, he was supposedly available, still he didn't was available to me. I liked his attention and the fact that he treated me like an adult, but I wasn't. I was thinking about unsubscribing from life by the time I put together my last figment of willpower and ran away. As an the adult I am now, I think he was grooming me to do whatever he wanted, and he did it for years. I grew a lot from that experience, but I'd never wish anyone to learn it the hard way like that.

[blackthornsloe]

This letter slightly triggered me too . I grew up surrounded by addicts who wandered around pretending to themselves and everyone else that they were blown this way and that, made no choices and were innocent passengers in the train wreck of their lives and the collateral damage that caused .
I wouldn't be surprised if addiction isn't in the present or future of this individual's life .

[vednobolje]

It's heartbreaking as well as comforting, in a way, to see I wasn't the only one in this kind of situation...
Don't get me wrong, I don't wish it on anyone.
It's just helpful to see it from an outsider's perspective. I know exatcly how Gwen is feeling, I've been there.
And I get and agree with Anna's advice: just end the relationship, go no contact. There's nothing there for you, but pain and misery.
At thus point it helps to label the men as cheaters and liars, because sometimes the cognitive dissonance can be to much to handle..
Even though they're feeling, thinking human beings, and cheating and lying does not make them a bad person - we have to watch out for making these truths into excuses.
It doesn't matter how lonely and complex and devastating their situation is - it's their responsibility!

And it is our responsibility to not get involved with people in relationships - not because it's morally wrong, but because it's harmful for us and everyone involved.

Much love and hope you find the power to walk away. Even if you don't, it's just another harsh life lesson and maybe next time around you'll know how to protect yourself from harm.

[wanjiruolive]

It's not about who you attract but who you

[stacyjaye]

When you get older, you'll feel guilty for the people that got hurt by your actions. It's called regret, the best way to avoid it is to monitor your day to day actions. And you might ask yourself why you have hours of free time? You're young, you should be doing stuff, working, going to school, interacting with people your own age. Good on you for writing in.👍☮️

[socorromeza]

Listening to you is so healing for me. I struggled with a lot of the issues you talk about and I know too well how to lie to myself, how to crap fit - I thought I had an above average imagination. I never realized it was due to the abuse I suffered as a young child. I dated several married men and I was always left feeling empty. It’s hurtful!

[KatarinaP]

That man is just looking for his narcissistic supply, doctor Ramani talks about it in her videos. And I've been through a similar thing about a year ago, it lasted for a couple of months, strictly online, ended up in me apologizing to his wife once it became obvious she knew and mutual blocking. Made me completely loose my trust in men too, not sure if I'm ever going to trust them again in the context of a romantic relationship.

[if]

15:19 poly and non-monogamous are biased themselves. It's unrealistic illussion that serves only them not the partner and is also a sign of unhealed trauma.