How to Actually HELP SOMEONE With CPTSD

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You can’t force a person with CPTSD to change: You can’t make them heal. You can’t make them learn about the adult effects of abuse and neglect in childhood, and you can’t even make them admit there’s a problem. But there are things you can do that genuinely help a loved one accomplish all these things themselves.
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[gabe_]

Ugh, needed this. My sister and I both came from the same abusive household. She finally got out and I've been strongly encouraging therapy or resources because they changed my life. But I need this reminder that I can't save anyone, and it's her journey. It's so hard though!

[deep_cuts]

4:43 1. Be safe
6:11 2. Be encouraging
8:44 3. Be aware
11:13 4. When they are in a CPTSD state, be gentle
12:00 5. If you want to help them recover, recover yourself

[Timblisi]

On the point about safety, here's probably the number one safety tip: If someone says they are angry and need to walk away to calm down, do not in any way interfere with their attempts to walk away. Do not block a doorway. Do not take hold of them to stop them. Do not even criticize their need to walk away. Just ... let them walk away. If you don't let them walk away, they might stop choosing to walk away. :D

[SirParcifal]

My husband took me to counseling and helped me research - he also discovered some bugs in his childhood as well - I'm hoping working together will make us better parents.

[danielc]

It's hard to explain cptsd to someone who hasn't been through it themselves.

[k.atiaaa]

i’ve recently gotten a proper diagnosis that seems to fit me, and that was cptsd. a lot of people had thought it was depression, anxiety, bipolar etc. but this has made me understand a lot about myself and how i act and how to become more aware, these videos have helped me come to terms with my mental illness instead of denying it. thank you.

[davisildiko]

Thank you Anna, this is such an important advice even for therapists working with CPTSD!
Perhaps others find this summary of it helpful:

1. Be safe.
2. Be encouraging.
3. Be aware (of emotional flashback or dysregulation) and respond with points 1. 2. and 4.
4. When a person is in a CPTSD state (showing their CPTSD symptoms)... be gentle.
5.Recover yourself (from your own issues - If you want someone to recover)!

[butterfly]

I was raised by a grandmother who was an alcoholic. She was a mean drunk, verbally abusive and violent at times. She was very demeaning and we catered to her and pampered her. I thought that was how you treated people. Scarey thing is I navigated towards people just like that. It wasn't until 2019 that I snapped out of it. Oh the regrets I have and damage I am trying to repair. My poor children. They were the only people in my life who loved me and they caught hell. I hope it is not to late for us. I had no idea how to love me let alone my children. I have a lot of work to do and 2020 has been a year of healing.

[kimberlydavis]

Most people don't know how to really help us who are suffering from complex-ptsd, major depression, anxiety and ocd. I fell through the cracks many many times and got left behind suffering with complex-ptsd etc. It's a big problem that there's not enough therapist, services and resources who are trained to treat complex-ptsd. Complex ptsd isn't fun at all. It's a daily struggle. It affects my daily activities and has for many many years. People just don't understand how serious complex ptsd is. I have come to my own realization that I do better being by myself. I need to have my own place and space to myself for my own sanity and privacy. I need my own place and space to myself. I don't do well being around people all the time. I just can't handle it. It stresses me out too much and then I'm physically exhausted and fatigued. I'm so tired of trying to explain it too people who really don't understand.

[jannajohnsen]

The symptoms you describe here like "cold", "flying into rages", "dysregulation", difficulty to take criticism, saying cruel things, are also symptoms of covert narcissism. So, how do we know the difference and avoid getting exhausted trying to help a narcissist?

[elliskent]

You are a wonderful human being....Thank you,

[wendyburgess]

My 15 year old granddaughter, who has CPTSD, lives with me and I am getting SO much help and guidance from you. I really appreciate these videos. Thank you and bless you. 😊🌺

[GentleLoveAngel]

A very important lesson for those of us with overly open & loving hearts. It's important to know the "boundaries" of helping people with mental health disorders so that you don't end up hurt when trying to help them.

I say this from experience; I gave it my all to help numerous people and show them love for maybe their first time ever, and it would feel like it just went to the void; they would always pull away. It was the same pattern with everyone and it started to hurt me. I began to think my love and help was defective or I'm not good enough for the world, and slowly became entirely drained and thinking low of myself. Almost like I was traumatized (or retraumatized) in a new way, I hate to say. It has been a recovery process.

Luckily there's wonderful people out there who look like they made it to the other side of the tunnel, making videos like this for us who aren't there yet. I now realize why these people couldn't be helped. I already knew it wasn't their fault, but it's so nice to know it's not mine either; that I just have to approach it differently...sometimes very, even as backwards as it might seem at times.

But also so importantly that they are responsible for their own journey, because they can't be helped without being willing; it has to be their choice to accept and heal and it comes at their own time. So basically there's nothing I could have really done anyway, at least not on the scale I was hoping for. But I do see opportunities in this new light. I think this is a big load off of my shoulders that continues to unload as I come across great resources like this. Thank you

[luluathome]

You can’t heal them but if you can’t just get them out of your life, we can learn discernment and effectiveness towards keeping our own goals and needs met. I believe we can learn skills to deal with people who are unhealed including learning how to be strategic, learning what leverage you have and applying it, and building your support system so you don’t get isolated or pulled into their drama circle.

[laureldell]

I laugh often when you discribe behaviors bc its as if you know me personally. Ive been in therapy all of my adult life and you've done more for me in one video than they have as a whole. Thank you

[Other.]

Emotional flashback is spot on. The trigger is a comment, but it connects to a network of childhood experiences and feelings around those experiences. It’s actually amazing how much one can remember (unintentionally) in a split second. So I react to those experiences, not necessarily the comment.

[joy]

I am healing my CPTSD and painful as it was, I was also toxic and abusive. Anna, your videos have helped me realise how I can navigate organically and effectively to heal each day. I may have caused trauma, too to my son. And this for me, is painful as a mother. But I can heal. I am healing from all the hurt of the past. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for being part of our journey. 🌱🙏🦋

[intrepidtomato]

My husband does all of these (without even knwing about these vids), it probably helps that he has worked with animals and small children. Sometimes he also reflects my feeligns or the events of the day that may have caused an upset back to me as if I were a toddler which, embarrsingly, helps immensely. Ex: "you seem a bit anxious. Remember you went and confronted XY today, that was difficult, right? Why don't you go take a break for a moment" . He's so good at this, I somehow won the lottery

[samwatson]

I found the first part of this discouraging and generalized. I have cptsd... for I time I was misdiagnosed as BPD... but I am very aware of my condition and what happens when I am triggered. Some of us are doing all we can to acknowledge it and learn about it... we aren’t broken or unfixable..:.just hurt

[oceanai]

From the fulness of my heart, thank you for your wisdom and knowledge. I am a child and youth worker and I work in child protection and also part time in a homeless shelter and your videos have brought me so much insight and awareness and I am able to do better, more healing work💜.