Surviving Infidelity: Are You Choosing Your Spouse or Just Needing Them?

Today Samuel shares insight behind the need to choose your spouse.

- What kind of affair was it?

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“The Recovery Library gave me 24/7 support because I could be up at 3am and search for the topic I was struggling with. It also helped as a couple because we could investigate topics together so it wasn’t subjective. I trusted this information because it was from professionals who also had lived through and recovered from infidelity. Double credibility in my book.”
- Amanda, Florida

HEAL with Affair Recovery:

[lesliemontagne]

He continued to tell me he loved his affair partner. Even when the physical involvement stopped, contact continued for years - more because he wanted and needed it (addiction). She had started to move on. When she was done with him, he wanted me to understand that he was "addicted". He had no moments of clarity. He never gave me a heartfelt apology. He just realized that I had picked up so much slack and so many family responsibilities, he still wanted me to perform them. It was not really his "choosing to be with me". The affair partner shut him down. Then, all of a sudden he wanted to integrate back into my life. I've bided my time, waited until our children had grown and now I am leaving. He did not do ANY work to help himself or help me to heal. He is so disingenuous I feel I have absolutely no more connection with this selfish, self centered and manipulative person. DONE!!!

[terrimartel]

We're not even close to "recovery", but this question is so pertinent. I hope we can get to the point where we can be honest with each other and answer this question. It was difficult to hear you comment about realizing Samantha's value as being young enough to remarry, etc. My heart sank when I thought of my reality. People say I don't look my age, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm 62. It's difficult to imagine starting over at this age. This question won't be able to be faced honestly unless we find help for our marriage. Thanks for these videos. They give me a glimmer of hope for some sort of resolution.

[TheCameronHarper]

I have been following y’all since the first infidelity. You articulated what I’ve been trying to express since the biggest infidelity in September. I would love if we could have a reunion of couples who’ve watched this and learned. For better or worse.

[shannadean]

Thank you for these videos Samuel. These videos have helped me more than any other help outlets.

[staleydu]

Each of us does get to choose for ourselves. No one needs to give us permission. And I do believe each of us deserves to be chosen, loved and adored. Maybe I'm just a romantic, but I believe that.

[patrickstrasser]

Four months from DDay, and the content of this video has been at the crux of nearly every argument. My wife's last day of work (she works across the hall from her AP and has continued the affair at least up to last week) is this Friday. She has actually talked about quitting several times in the past four months, but every time I spent days asking myself why she was quitting and weather she would come to resent me for having to leave a good job and then use that as fuel for yet another affair. Her motivation never seemed to come from a heart that was choosing me. I hope it does this time.


These videos have been a TREMENDOUS help over the last four months. I actually landed on Affair Recovery just a few days past my first DDay and I honestly don't know how I would have gotten to where I am without this guidance. There are so so many pitfalls (and more to come, I'm sure) that I was able to understand at least on a surface level because of the insight in this channel.


My wife and I have years left to building a new marriage. Four months of vacillating will do that. We'll be watching these videos as long as you keep making them.

[PugFeist]

I just found out last night my fiancé was cheating with another man. It’s all still raw but I’m hoping to take something meaningful from this video to help me process it all.

[akraven]

This is what I need today. I'm getting the papers today. She's not putting in the work. Today was the final straw.

[meganrodriguez]

10:05 respect the warfare, there was a time you chose someone else. That definitely hits him hard and I like that comeback.

[jackkeen]

Great insight. Am I letting the financial and social restraints make the decision for me? If those restraints were gone would I make the same decision? No. I wouldn’t.

[markabbott]

I want to do the work and I am trying with the funds we have but maintaining two houses now is breaking me and I can’t afford the programs. We have done everything you offer that’s free and appreciate it. Thank you. Just not getting anywhere. Sincerely, Mark

[Dawn-tvbk]

Wow! This is very eye opening. Definitely things to think about.

[VioletRaze]

I've been struggling with this question lately. We've been together over seven years, and his affair was August of 2019. As our wedding date approaches, I keep wondering if I'm only staying because of our history, and to avoid the nuclear bomb that would go off once his affair came to light. In order to reconcile, we decided not to tell friends or family to avoid extra negativity. While reconciliation is going well, and he's doing everything "right", it's getting increasing difficult being the only one to know the pain he's caused me.

To anyone else in my shoes who are farther along into reconciliation, how did you deal with the realization that healing would be easier if the source of your pain was no longer in your life? I think I choose him, but knowing I could heal more easily without him makes leaving very tempting.

[maryellen]

I so appreciate your insight and the videos; they have been helpful in my healing. This particular video was a conversation I had with my unfaithful husband this week and it helped re-enforce our discussion. Thank you for your help.

[shaunabee]

This has kept me stuck for years, I need him to “choose me” and he’s not. Ughh...

[marriesb]

I gave him the option to leave or stay he chose to stay only been a month and we are getting closer than before.... If he left I would have survived one way or another our son is in his twenty I would not stay if we didn't still love each other

[wb]

Talking with my wife the other day she said she wonders if I am staying with her because I'm afraid of being alone or if I really want to repair our marriage. My response was I think both of us wonder why the other is staying

[katrinajacobs]

Wow so hits home!!!! Question I have been asking a while now.

[offroadchixrule]

Perfect timing. Hopeful he'll watch this. I need to see the work to show he wants me

[GuppyPal]

What if the unfaithful genuinely does not want to be with the betrayed and is only staying because they feel like they have no other choice (due to finances, kids, reputation, etc)? What then? What is best?