INFIDELITY SERIES: Once Trust is Broken, Can it Be Healed? - Esther Perel

On March 19, 2015 Esther Perel delivered a TEDTalk about affairs. This series is an expansion of that talk, to dive deeper into a few areas of conversation.

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[mwernli]

„Once you live with the answer, it means that you have to live with the consequences of knowing.“ - Wow… What a sentence. Words of wisdom.

[latinaalma]

She really is the BEST at expressing herself on this and many relationship topics...in my professional opinion as someone who academically educated and trained therapists and psychologists, she is the gold standard for public information about these subjects. She talks about the right issues and does so beautifully. signed a PhD academic psychologist

[kevinwalkingPH]

Listening to her reminded me of my pain. Got teary eyed there for a bit.

[HRm]

“The actual gutting that can be experienced.”

Yeah the pain is so real, and is quite physical.

[thomaswoods]

I gave everything to my marriage and all of our kids in a combined family and after all that was cheated on. So to the question can it be healed? Much of what she says is correct, but I would add this. You have to keep the bar high if you have any chance at happiness. I spent 15 years working to make her happy on a daily basis. When the infidelity was revealed it was at that point about my happiness, not hers. I got married to find greater levels of happiness, not to be miserable. I sure as hell was not going to stay in a marriage where I was miserable. So I held the bar high to ensure my happiness. She failed at every turn, choosing to manipulate and deceive rather than being accountable and remorseful. So I kicked her out and was done. I think the people that get into chronic caustic marriage relationships don't draw the lines sharp enough. Keep the bar high for your own sanity. If they choose to repair at least you'll know it's legitimate.

[mayaportland]

The pain of being cheated is worst than anyone can imagine.
Is the pain ever going to end?

[chrisreuben]

What makes cheating worse is lying, I went thru hell with my ex I knew what she was doing but it took me 2 weeks of solid ranting an raving before she finally decided to fess up. It was the worst time of my life, but for her to dig her heals in an lie just made me rage

[aikoyonamine]

This is really insightful for preparing oneself to enter a relationship with the person we will be with. Love is a skill, not a feeling. It starts with trust in oneself and our partner to receive trust. It takes guts and courage.

[vaneshobe]

I got goosebumps while listening to her. She understands that pain we had. If only I could send this to the cheater. But the thought of him not being able to understand this concept is already frustrating. Then this is the moment when we pick up the broken pieces and restore ourselves again, stronger than ever.

[chochoejege]

It’s just so painful knowing how much you have invested in a relationship and all of a sudden you get heartbroken by that same relationship...I just can’t seem to forget it every time I wake up or I see him it’s just feels like he’s still talking to her am still fighting to trust him 🤦‍♀️

[buzzingnoise]

Esther you are a glowing beauty.

At first I looked at my situation like I was a victim, I had been attacked, I was living a lie.
Then I spent a lot of time meditating and healing myself. I let go of my own ego. It was in control of me. I now live with my ego. We go back and forth haha.
I now see that the mistakes we make do not define us. It is the choices we make in all the days that follow. How we think. Feel. Experience the world.

If you are in danger in your relationship please leave. Do not let someone psychologically or physically abuse you. That person has their demons and you can't fit them.

If someone has made a mistake that doesn't put you in danger then you can make it through if you both want to. Make sure you're at peace.

[aychmorgan]

One can argue that an emotional affair isn't as bad as a physical one, but it still stings all the same. The trust is gone, and may never come back if it's not addressed.

[Lordkeggles]

For has completely disappeared never to return.

[JohnnyJitsu]

She is so spot on, the pain, grief, turmoil of when I get intrusive thoughts…flood me and bring me down like I have never felt. This shit sucks.. 😢

[susannezami]

I totally agree with her and this concept doesn't just apply to infidelity. I was a victim of sexual abuse as a teenager by several different people. One of them approached me as an adult and sincerely apologized for his behavior. We had a long talk. He didn't attempt to lie or make any excuses for his past behavior. It ended up being a healing experience. He is the only one who I have been able to forgive and not continue to hold bad feelings for. With him, it's almost like I have been able to let the experience go. Esther is right, to heal, the one who is at fault must acknowledge the responsibility.

[courtneycalderon]

Esther, thank you. I felt compelled to write a comment to simply thank you for two reasons: 1. for acquiring this knowledge and 2. for sharing it.

[yzfr]

"It is very important to not ask your partner to not bring it up because you can't tolerate feeling so bad for how bad you had made your partner feel." From expressing myself to her time and time again, she told me I'm emotionally abusive because it feels like I'm "hammering" her with what she's done. All I'm doing though is expressing myself and why I feel the way I feel. It is repetitive but I feel like there was never space made for it, instead it has pushed me away even further from wanting to express myself to her. I'm currently having so much trouble trusting my girlfriend it rips me apart almost every day. I feel like I can't even refer this video to her because she would just manipulate me even further into believing her lies. I literally have no clue what to believe. When I ask for reassurance, and she provides it, I feel like my heart and soul are getting burned by every word she says. She messed with my head so bad in just believing she wasn't doing anything. I don't even want the reassurance anymore. Everything could be a lie that comes out of her mouth (not saying everything is) but now I just question everything and it's mentally exhausting and straining. If you're reading this and are experiencing anything like this, you're not alone and I hope you make it through this.

[foryou]

Amazing how every reaction she described as necessary after an affair (by the deceiver) is something I thought is necessary immediately after my ex told me about her affair.
I recently thought that I simply expected a bit too much from a person, but I understand now - I would do it if I ever had one (not that I think of it as a possibility) .
She is an ex because she lied and deceived for a long time after the affair, and simply did not try enough (if any at all).

[Chiqsan]

Wow! "There are certain questions that are very important to have while the answers are better not to know". OMG That just spoke to my heart and spirit and everything.  I have so many questions and curiosities but I really don't want to know the answers or details. I know for certain I'm better off without it. Many times those answers rip open wounds even more.

[ryancaldwell]

It's sometimes better to know the truth of acts because what's in your head from guessing is likely worse than what really happened and Knowing will create relief.