Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater? - Esther Perel

"Once a cheater always a cheater. True or False?" - Sara in Portland, Oregon

This is one of the top questions I receive. Watch to find out my answer...

[billaddison]

It's amazing how much more interesting youtube is than tv or even netflix.

[mt]

My ex cheated on me. Being cheated on, betrayed, is the most painful thing one should endure in his/her life...
Now i have chosen to move on and recover myself.
We can do this guys ❤️

[debdeb]

This is SO good and a perspective that is rarely ever highlighted in our society. As someone who has been through cheating with their spouse, I can’t express how complex the situation truly is. It’s not as black and white as “the minute they cheat, I’m gone”. All thing have to be weighed and considered and a beautiful fruit can be born from forgiveness and change. Thank you Esther for offering a perspective that’s essentially unheard of in our current society. It’s helped to breathe life into my life. I hope this comment and video helps someone else who’s gone through this as well.

[ndkskwbbuekfbsgsuwkneje]

INFIDELITY is a symptom of a CORE ISSUE - Therefore, is NOT the betrayed partner's job or responsibility to FIX the cheater's CORE ISSUE!

[beatricet]

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice. Shame on me. My ex cheated on me for three months with a woman who turned him down years earlier. At the same time he was cheating he was talking to me about getting engaged, where we would get married, etc. When I discovered the affair I confronted him and the other person. I gave him a second chance on the basis that neither party would ever communicate with the other again. Both agreed. A year later I found out they were still in contact with one another, so I ended the relationship immediately. Ironically they are not together now. It's one thing to give someone a second chance, but don't ever allow them a third chance to take advantage of you. Life is short. Walk away.

[andrewmcgovern]

Esther is just so deep, nuanced, and "on it"! A breath of fresh air in our puritanical black and white American way of looking at things and looking for easy categories when life often isn't like that.

[Pvppy_dramz]

Cheated alot as a young teenager like 3-4 times. At 19 I've definitely matured enough. I stopped doing drugs and went to therapy so i can work on myself. Apologized to those I hurt and I'm currently in a healthy relationship.
People can change it just takes work and accountability.

[RG-hfet]

The trust bond is shattered. I tried to forgive but couldnt forget & it became all consuming 24/7 picturing the two of them together. It took YEARS for that image to fade away. The pain was non stop for a very long time. I won't go through that ever again. I'd rather be alone the rest of my life.

[dolphinrose]

If a person can't communicate he/she is unhappy in a relationship, then they will continue that pattern of stuckness till self realization, we can't make other people realize their errors etc, so once a cheater always a cheater can be true if the person does not realize their behaviour. Also ppl do make mistakes etc but would you want to hurt someone you love by infidelity? It only means you love yourself more that you decided to get your needs met without considering discussion with your partner . Such ppl shouldn't be in relationships because relationships need work, love, patience etc .you should just love your mirror reflection

[SingingPupRecords]

"That defines them as people who chose a rather lousy way to communicate certain things that they need a better language to communicate." So important. That opens the possibility of growth and healing for a couple. Destroying relationships because people don't know how to deal with what is happening in a truly mature way just perpetuates hurt and pain. Dealing with hurt and pain in a way that leads to growth and greater closeness is rare but worth it.

[driverpls]

Ms Perel.. you are a better person than I am. If you lie to me and live a double life in my presence, I am out. My own self esteem will not allow me to be disrespected in such a way. If the spouse is dissatisfied, then end it and go away.

[headsupfiction]

They may never cheat again. But the mentality that allowed them so deeply betray a loved one will always be there.

[renatika]

Studies show that once a cheater the probability of doing the same is 3 times more probable...and the sample of therapy clients is skewed already. Those who don't regret won't go there...

[alisonberard]

I have been married to my husband for 22 years and around 10 years ago I found out on Facebook that he was cheating. He continued to cheat on me with more than one women and over a few years of it happening, I cheated as well. I worked through it with him and it was incredibly hard and took a long time, some counseling and some real honest inner work but now we are sooo in love and balanced and into each other like never before. Why did I stay in the first place? I really love everything about him, how he loves me, even then, who he is and how he thinks all turn me on. I couldn't imagine my life without him. I was devastated when I found out, but it ended up being the best thing to ever happen in our relationship.

[patriciavasara]

I totally agree with Esther, I believe "Once a cheater, always a cheater" applies to narcissists only. Those guys don't seek therapy because in their minds "there is nothing wrong with them". The guys who cheats and seeks therapy to fix himself is not the narcissistic type.

[debwest]

When you say someone was a good husband, son, cheated once. The problem with that statement is that when he cheated, it involved many bad behaviors like lying, sneaking, phone calls, excuses, planned dishonesty, using marital it is hard to say those amoral behaviors are ok.

[ltrenum]

I love how she approaches things, very honest and objective.

[ruggedshark]

Cheating is a symptom of pure selfishness - a soul sickness, mental sickness, sometimes an addiction that's impossible to break without some type of help - "moral psychology" if you will - almost never remedied by the unaided will alone...

[paolos]

I love Ester, however there is one obvious issue here-
She says the people she sees in her office are not repeat cheaters, and I believe her.
However repeat cheaters tend not to seek therapy. Typically those with a narcissistic orientation tend not to seek therapy.
Cheaters who aren't working on themselves or relationships may well repeat and may be more likely to do so.

[jart]

Been there, and because of that Done that. The best thing to do is ending it. Nothing will ever be the same in the relationship. Great video and advice.. 👍🙏✌