CPTSD: Learn to Have Better FRIENDSHIPS

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[katierose]

So if someone I meet LOVES me after I listen to them for 30 mins yet never asks me 1 thing about myself. That means THEY failed the test, right? You hinted at that but didn't elaborate that it's really a test.

[danmalone]

African proverb the child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth

[Depplova]

From my experience, I am always the listener, the one who was there when stuff gets rough, the one who will call to just see how you are, rather you're in a bad way or not. People tend to confide in me frequently. But nobody seems interested in me. Being as good to people as you'd have them be to you doesn't always guarantee you'll keep friends. I usually end up feeling used and even judged. It's hard to explain x

[CedricsMom]

I had a therapist once who told me that the healthier I get, the smaller the pool gets of possible relationship partners. She was right. There are a LOT of screwed up people out here and not a lot of healthy folks. Even the people in recovery don't show their true colors in the rooms. But this 30-minute listening experiment is new and I'll try it. I'm so tired of being disappointed by people who I think want to be my friends but simply don't have the ability.

[withyoctopus]

10 tips for having good friendships
1. Hang out with good people
2. Listen
3. Follow up on what they told you
4. Encourage your friend if they have doubt I'm themselves
5. Show up for the hard stuff
6. Don't talk behind their back, ever
7. Stay in touch. Face to face or phone to phone.
What's the other three? Comment if you know.

[LinYouToo]

It took me a long time to realize that the best relationships are ones where it’s mutual, it’s reciprocal, and they’re growing. In the past, I had two major issues in friendships. The first, was projecting and idealized friendship onto the other person unfairly to both of us. The second was not realizing that the relationship was not mutual and was not reciprocal but realizing too late or down the road. By the time I did I felt resentment. I often felt like I was the one doing all of the work and it’s because I was. That’s not entirely their fault. Going back further into my young adult hood I always felt good when I was needed. That was unhealthy as well. It’s one thing to be able to offer support and compassion, but it’s another to feel like you’ll get some thing in return for it or to allow people to call you only when they need something. I had one friend that I allowed to call me when she really needed me for something but she was never really there for me any other time. I could blame her but if I’m being honest I allowed it to happen. Then one day, I stopped it. I let her know I could not go forward this way any longer. I let her know that my needs had changed. She had a high speed come apart because her gravy train and confidant was no longer available to her as I had always been. A funny thing happened when I got very clear around my friendships in all relationships. When I saw them for what they really were including my own part in them, I was able to sort through which ones I could continue investing in and which ones I could not. As soon as I let go of the unhealthy relationships, and there were a few, the other ones blossomed almost immediately because that’s where I put my attention. In the end I realized that chasing after people who were not available to me in the healthy way I needed them to be was my own pattern repetition from childhood, chasing after parents who were never there emotionally for me. But I chase no more.

[kellyyork]

It’s amazing how many people did not get even these basic things as children from their own parents.

[maydavies]

It is eye-opening to learn how terrible of a friend I have been while thinking I have been a good friend. Bringing myself into the conversation as a way to help the person feel heard and understood/related to, giving unsolicited advice as a way to show that I have value and am therefor worthy to be a person's friend.

[lisaj]

For someone who never learned this in childhood and so for a long time didn't really understand how friendships work or what it is all about, this was really helpful. Wonderful stuff.

[laur]

I feel so ashamed and guilty that I have never been good at this. I have struggled a lot with friendships and this video made me feel very emotional. Hopefully, moving forward, I can try to do these things better.

[auntihooha]

Wow. This is so important. I listen to people, always have since childhood. I always felt the urge to make people feel better if they were sad. I was also put in charge of taking care of my little sisters and cleaning the house, starting at the age of ten. I listened to my little sisters' problems, then the problems of their children . . . until I realized that NO ONE ever listened to me, in fact, as the scapegoat and gaslit outcast I was not only not listened to, I was told that my memories were wrong. It literally drove me crazy.

[minutofgroundhog]

Somebody once said : '' You can't go thru life thinking the next person you meet will someday let you down. But then they do''..( I have no friends)

[kellyyork]

She’s the only person I’ve heard who helps you to understand why you have shut down and kept yourself from the outside world and how to correct that. However, you still have to guard your heart and stay safe since I think we are all vulnerable to psychopaths out there.

[juneandrew]

I’ve been to so many psychologists over the past 25yrs and they have never helped. I wish I had this information years ago. It would of saved me from so much loneliness and hurt. Thank you 🙏

[bemeeklezvelveeta]

Clean compliments are something I never even realized I did the wrong way lol

[LoveAllCreations]

There are a few issues I've faced when implementing your advice ....
1. "Just choose a good person" ... okay, and where are they hiding? I seem to only attract toxic or shallow personalities.
2. This issue has been raised in other comments, too. When I let someone else do the taking and I just listen, they will talk for hours without ever including me.
3. I'm socially very awkward and people sense that, so they try and avoid interacting with me all together or as soon as they sense my awkwardness during our interaction. Or they run as soon as my anxiety starts showing (eg. Hypervigilance as scanning my environment, red rash in my neck, earlobes and face, my fidgeting, etc).
Sadly, I cannot control these things. They simply happen.
4. When I finally get someone to listen to me in turn as well, the conversation quickly turns to how my past trauma is affecting me still and they are the ones offering me unsolicited advice.

How do I get past all this? I want to be a friend to someone, really I do, but it seems it never goes anywhere.

[jasxaf]

when i think about investing in other relationships, there's a sense of dread and "i'm too tired to connect" that comes over me. I think i've heard you touch on that in other videos. i'm sure energy comes with healing and boundaries, but the struggle persists.

[dadevi]

I thought I was being paranoid about cutting people out of my life last year, but they did break the friendship code by not believing in me and talking about me behind my back. Glad to know I was right by letting them go. I realized that I've been weighed down by responsibilities and haven't been present enough to build lasting friendships. This is good info.

[bramsrockhopper]

Been watching a lot of your videos and learning a lot.

This advice you are giving is so useful…but in my experience, most people want to talk and be heard, but given the opportunity they don’t want to know about me - what I’m doing, how I’m feeling or anything at all. They just want to do the me me me thing and be heard and admired and empathised with.
I seem to be doomed to be the listener, the empathiser, the confidante. Anything I’m dealing with is a secondary consideration and I feel like it’s almost resented if I show that I have feelings or needs.

I end up thinking, “why the hell am I doing all this, making all this effort to be a good person, a good friend, a trustworthy person, a generous spirit, when no one is being those things to me? Why am I never heard? Why don’t they care about me?”

I’ve had other people, including friends and family, be downright rude to me or talk endlessly about themselves with no heed for me, or just be crappy people, and do all these things she is warning us against (rightly - they’re not good ways to be!) and I have to endure that with a smile, and agree, and listen, and nod. Because if I do anything other than be the passive, empathetic good person in the relationship, then I’m ‘difficult, over-sensitive, needy, critical’ etc etc.

Why make all this effort if we get nothing back? I genuinely don’t get it. It seems like if you don’t stand up for yourself a bit in the conversation, then people walk all over you and don’t value or respect you. If you do stand up for yourself and engage more equally, you get criticised and put down and labelled.

Feels like I can’t win. If I have a relationship, why does it have to be so one-sided? Why don’t they want to hear me? Is there like a period of punishment we have to go through where we have to be this charming ultra-careful person in order to get to a point where our feelings become important? How long does it take?

Just makes me sad because I try to be this good, easy-going person, and yet still nothing I do is right for other people. I spend my whole life walking on egg-shells and trying to get things right with other people, trying to read the room, trying to gauge the other person and balance my approach…still I’m lonely. I’m not perfect - very far from it - but I’m trying to be calm and easy and helpful and nice and listening, try not to be this needy, damaged, weirdo….and….nothing. Goes nowhere.

I’m tired of having to be the only adult in the room who’s really trying. I see other people break these social rules all the time and they get away with it. How does that work?

God it’s exhausting being us.

(Btw, I love the comments section guys because you all get it, you feel the same, and you express it really well. I gain a lot from reading your comments, thanks everyone. Good to know it’s not just me…)

[jango]

Good points but as we are emotionally fragile, we need to learn about boundaries; also not to "over-share" or tell people our secrets too early in the friendship. Don't trust everyone right away.